Some people love surprises, but for others they’re a real nightmare.
An introvert turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after skipping their surprise party.
Unknownlee_0x asked:
“AITA for skipping my own surprise birthday party once I found out it wasn’t really for me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have never been big on birthdays, don’t get me wrong I don’t hate them, I just prefer something low-key: dinner with my closest friends, maybe watch a film, something small basically.”
“Everyone close to me knows this, especially my sister, (let’s call her Maya) who loves big gestures and believes every birthday or achievement needs balloons and a theme and much, much more.”
“Two weeks before my birthday, Maya started acting strange. She kept asking me if I’d be ‘free that Saturday’ and acted weirdly when I asked why. I suspected that she was up to something, so I told her AGAIN that I didn’t want a party. She just laughed and said that as per usual I was being no fun.”
“A couple nights ago (the night before my birthday) one of our mutual friends let it slip about it being a party, she mentioned what she was wearing.”
“Anyway, turns out the whole family was invited and it was at our parent’s house. Some co-workers were also invited but here’s the kicker—MY F*CKING EX.”
“For a little context, me and ex broke up about 2 months ago. It ended pretty badly, no abuse or cheating, but it wasn’t a pleasant ending.”
“I’ve made it pretty clear to everyone in my life that I want NO contact. Maya knows this, however she’s told me multiple times that I should just get over the whole situation because he’s a nice guy and that he’s been a part of all our lives for years.”
“The first thing that I did was call Maya, demanding answers and she didn’t deny it. She just said that we could finally talk it all out.”
“She admitted that she hadn’t just thrown this party for my birthday, but also so everyone could see my ex again and we could fix things between us. She literally said to me that I’d thank her later.”
“I went mad. I said to her she had no right. That I would have been ambushed into the situation, on MY birthday. And this was all after I had specifically said that I didn’t want a party.”
“She just said that I was dramatic and bloody ungrateful, that she had this whole thing planned because I wouldn’t find better, and it was a good gift. She said everyone had gifts and travelled. That everyone was excited.”
“So yesterday, my birthday, I completely powered off my phone and didn’t let anyone know other than my best friend—who wasn’t even invited to the party—so we went out for lunch and went on a walk together. Ended up having a great day.”
“When I finally got home I turned my phone on and it was MENTAL. Maya was fuming, people were disappointed, people even said I embarrassed Maya.”
“Maya is now basically saying that I ruined the whole party, and made it all about me (it was literally my birthday). She says that she did it out of a good place in her heart and that I should at least apologise for not showing up and letting people know.”
“So am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“The action that I took that might be judged is not showing up to my birthday party that my sister planned, because she planned it and I didn’t even let her know.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
“NTA. You didn’t skip your birthday; you chose to actually enjoy it. A surprise party that ignores your wishes and invites someone you’re actively avoiding isn’t a gift, it’s a setup.” ~ Wooden-Luck1865
“The only person who should be embarrassed or should apologize is Maya for not listening to her sister’s stated wishes. Why should anyone have to apologize for ruining a ‘surprise party’ thrown for them by not coming to whatever event the party was disguised as being?”
“It’s supposed to be a surprise, no? If you decided or needed to cancel plans at the last minute, unaware that it was a party, not just meeting up with a sibling, how can you be blamed for what you don’t know about? That is the risk of surprise parties.”
“I realize OP found out about the party and had it out with her sister ahead of time, but presumably most guests still thought it was going to be a surprise. The whole concept of having a ‘surprise party’ means you can’t blame the person the party is supposedly celebrating if they don’t show.”
“Obviously, that is ridiculous, much less when you know someone explicitly said they didn’t want a surprise party or a party with their ex invited!”
“Good for you, OP, for deciding to celebrate your birthday as you wanted! I’m glad you were able to enjoy yourself and not be pressured into attending a party you made clear you didn’t want.”
“It is unkind at best, and manipulative at worst, to have a party for someone who does not desire nor enjoy celebrating their birthday with a party, even without all the complications of inviting the unwanted ex. NTA.” ~ aliannia
“NTA, don’t be surprised when Maya and your ex end up dating.”
“OP needs to send a group message stating she explicitly said she didn’t want a party and that under no circumstances did she want to see the ex. When she learned of the party, she gave her sister a chance to at least uninvite the ex.”
“When that was refused she decided to control the one piece she could, her own attendance. If the family would prefer to keep company with the ex instead of her, that is fine, but they should let her know so she knows which numbers to erase from her phone.” ~ BluePopple
“And make sure the group message clearly says that ‘I told Maya, in advance, that I wouldn’t be attending because my ex would be there. I am so sorry she didn’t share that information with everyone else’.” ~ Latter_Revenue7770
“A group message saying, ‘I had no idea a party was planned! But since Maya mentioned she was having my ex over, and you all know how that ended, I decided to spend the day elsewhere.” ~ Grant_Winner_Extra
“MAYA was probably angling for the ex.”
“NTA. She went behind your back, lied to family, friends and your co-workers AND your ex about the party.”
“Anyone who truly knows you will understand you prefer low-key events, which I can appreciate and enjoy as well.”
“Maya is embarrassed by her lies and is pushing the blame on you.”
“Happy Birthday, and from the sounds of it, you had a fabulous day in a way you appreciated.” ~ RaptorOO7
“NTA. But Maya is right, you did make it about you. Before it was all about HER—her throwing this big party, her mending your relationship with your ex. You robbed her of the opportunity to pat herself on the back! She did it out of a good place in her heart for HER.” ~ sealittle
“Don’t forget that she also robbed poor Maya of looking good in front of a huge hand-picked audience and possibly even content for her social pages.” ~ TheLastWord63
“How dare you not be grateful that someone hijacked your birthday to turn it into an intervention and force you back into contact with an ex. Is she trying to get you two to date again?”
“She should be embarrassed. She actively tried to ruin your birthday. She tried to turn it into a performance piece, intending to control your life. NTA.” ~ Remote-Passenger7880
“NTA, don’t think you could have been clearer about it in advance. Her problem for ignoring you.” ~ Stunning_Patience_78
“Your sister is insufferable. I would have gone ballistic if someone pulled this on me.” ~ BigBackeron
“Absolutely make sure everyone knows you explicitly didn’t want a party, that she said it was organised so that other people could see your ex, and that you reiterated to her again that you didn’t want a party and especially not one that’s planned for another purpose.”
“Make sure every single person who attended knows that she was told multiple times not to do this. Ask for the guest list if you have to.”
“Pretend you want it so you can contact them to apologise if you need to. DO NOT let her make you the villain in their wasting their time and money solely because of her actions. NTA.” ~ Pyjama365
“NTA, you set a reasonable boundary. Well done! YOU have nothing to apologize for. You were not hosting, and you never agreed to come. This is ALL Maya’s fault, SHE needs to apologize to HER guests at HER party.” ~ k23_k23
“NTA, but I would send one message to everyone saying that your sister KNEW you didn’t want a party and KNEW you didn’t want to see your ex, and it was her plan to ambush you with him at a party she, not you, wanted.”
“So for anyone upset, please direct that anger/upset towards your sister. Also let them know that because of her actions, you will be low/no contact with your sister until she can respect your wishes, and anyone who tries to get you to speak with her will also be low/no contact.” ~ Life-Wealth-3399
OP had the birthday they wanted, which should be the most important thing for their friends and family. If it isn’t, then maybe they should take a hard look at their relationships.