There’s a widespread sentiment that forgiveness is necessary for personal peace.
But is it?
Adherents to such advice claim forgiveness is required for the healing of the aggrieved.
However, there’s also an option of putting the offending party in the rear-view mirror and never thinking of them again.
While the “you have to forgive everyone” camp claims regret awaits those who don’t offer absolution, people who have just moved on say they regret nothing.
A man betrayed by his best friend and fiancée turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Prestigious_Wish_613 asked:
“AITAH for not caring that my ex best friend is dying?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I recently found out that my ex-best friend, with whom I was best friends since we were babies until 4 years ago, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He has a few months left to live, and I don’t care.”
“4 years ago, I was engaged to a girl who I thought was the love of my life. He was supposed to be my best man.”
“I found out that they were having an affair for two years behind my back, and they were planning on her marrying me, and a year later, she was supposed to file for divorce and ruin me financially so that they could get my house and money and be together.”
“I confronted him about it and he said the divorce plan was my fiancée’s idea and that he just couldn’t help himself from falling in love with her. He tried apologising, but I punched him and cut them both out of my life.”
“He tried reconnecting multiple times with me and tried apologising, but every time I told him to go burn in hell and that I hated him. They ended up getting married anyways.”
“Last month his mom came and visited me. I haven’t seen her in years, but she always loved me and treated me like a son, so I was nice to her and invited her in.”
“She said that she understands why I don’t talk to her son anymore, and she swore on everything that what he did was despicable and that she never approved of their relationship or marriage, but she told me that he was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer.”
“They never caught it before, and there’s no point in fighting it—it’s done. He is going to die in less than a year. She said he begged to talk to me and apologise for everything before he died.”
“She said I don’t have to do anything, but she begged me to think about it. And she left after that.”
“I have thought about it, and honestly, I do not care. It’s not really about my ex. I don’t care about her anymore. I’m now happily married with a much sweeter, more genuine woman.”
“It’s how he lied to my face for over two years and how fine he was with ruining my life. If I hadn’t discovered it before, they’d have gone after everything I had, and they’d probably be living in my house together right now.”
“He burned that relationship forever all by himself. I don’t actively hate him anymore, like how I did back then; I just don’t care about him at all.”
“He’s a stranger to me now. When he dies, it won’t be any different from finding out a stranger died, and I don’t feel bad for him at all.”
“Am I the a**hole for this?”
In response to a comment:
“I think you probably mourned him and your friendship 4 years ago. No need to do it again.” ~ Personal-Ad-8077
The OP later added:
“It was very hard, but he’s been dead to me for years now. Now he’ll just be dead to everyone else.”
“I already grieved him years ago. I’m not angry anymore, but if it wasn’t for me finding out about his cancer, I would never even be thinking about him.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to see his former friend (NTA).
“Amends are supposed to be for the benefit of the person who was wronged, not the person who did wrong. If you have nothing to say to this person, it is not your responsibility to absolve them.” ~ Plays_in_Mud_Puddles
“NTA. This may sound harsh, but you do not owe anyone a conversation or forgiveness. While it’s unfortunate that he’s dying, ultimately it does not matter in this situation.”
“All you need to decide is whether or not you think you will regret not speaking to him after he’s gone. If you don’t think you will regret it, then don’t feel bad about not doing it.”
“I cut my father off when I was 13. I found out last year (when I was 35) that he was in ICU. I didn’t want to see him, so I didn’t. And, I don’t regret it.” ~ New-Lifeguard-9494
“NTA. I think you’re great for moving past and no longer caring about the shit they pulled. If you did go to see him, it would be solely for his benefit.”
“I hope he realizes there’s nothing in it for you, and you owe him nothing. That he’s already gotten all he’s going to out of you.” ~ Senator_Bink
“I’ve actually been where you are. And yes, I 100% agree with the sentiment. The betrayal will always hurt no doubt. But the affection is gone after a while.”
“My ‘friend’ contacted me through a mutual friend and tried to reconnect after 2-3 years. I don’t know about her, but I had made a whole bunch of new friends and I just kind of forgot about her.”
“I mean, she was part of my memories, sure, but I didn’t know her in the present. People change a lot in a couple of years. And honestly, I didn’t feel the enthusiasm about talking to her like I used to when we were friends.”
“I straight up told her that it’s not that I don’t forgive you, it’s just that I don’t care about you enough to want to reconnect. Honestly, talking to such people is just awkward.”
“You used to be friends, but you actually don’t know enough about them now, and all you can do is small talk. Don’t waste your time. NTA.” ~ Aggravating-Pie-5565
“My father was an abusive alcoholic. Mom finally kicked him out when I was 18, and that was the last time I saw him.”
“Over a decade later, I found out he was in the hospital dying of cancer. I believe it was my cousin who asked if I would go see him one last time, and I said no.”
“I had no desire to ever see or speak to him again, and I don’t feel guilty about it. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but he made his bed. Just because he died doesn’t mean he wasn’t a jerk in life.” ~ blue1564
“I know it’s not the same, but my biological father died years ago. Heart issues. My older sister called me to ask if I wanted to talk to him before he was transferred to a hospice facility.”
“I told her I’ll wait until he is transferred. No one ever contacted me, so he died. I couldn’t care less. He was not a good person or a good man.”
“He cheated on my mother for years. I do not feel guilty or bad. You have nothing to feel bad about or guilty or anything. You are not the a**hole. He and your ex made their bed. Karma came hard for them. You dodged a huge bullet. I wish you well.” ~ Commercial_Ease_2232
“Just remember, he wants to see you and apologize for himself and his conscience. If he truly cared about you and wanted what’s best for you, he would not dig open old wounds by trying to get in touch.” ~ xaqaria
“He wants to apologise to feel better with himself before leaving this world, not because he regrets what he did.”
“You owe him nothing. Let him deal with the consequences of his choices. NTA.” ~ Electronic-Drink559
“Tell his mother you wouldn’t say anything he’d want to hear, so it’s best you not go at all. He’s done nothing to atone, so he isn’t worthy of forgiveness, and you’ve moved on from that time in your life with no desire to revisit it.” ~ Beth21286
“This is your chance for closure, in whatever form you need it to be. It sounds like you’ve already gotten that. You can have compassion for a dying man, but you’re not obligated, its a matter of would you regret it later.” ~ Tazmosis85
“Your friendship died 4 years ago. Your friend will die soon. You were just advancing things for him.” ~ xyxyyxyx
“This is how I felt when I was told a former friend died. I told a mutual friend that they died 6 years ago when they purposely f*cked me over.” ~ breakinbans
Forgiveness isn’t an obligation the hurt party owes to the person who hurt them.
Listening to apologies from someone who wants to feel better about themselves, or look better in others’ eyes, shouldn’t be pushed on the aggrieved individual.