Sometimes people need a quick getaway.
A quick jaunt to an exotic island may just be what the doctor ordered.
And sometimes people need to go alone.
But leaving behind a significant other, even just for a weekend, doesn’t always go over well.
Not every partner is going to be on board.
Redditor Key_Replacement987 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for wanting to take a 1-week vacation to Hawaii without my spouse?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have 3 weeks of P[ersonal]-Time]-O[ff] left to use for the rest of the year, and after failing, I[n] V[itro] F[ertilisation] my friends invited me to visit and stay with them as a way to cope with the situation.”
“I’ve been dealing with things since April and finally gave up.”
“Emotionally, I’m not doing well.”
“Clearly, since I’m here typing this out.”
“My spouse doesn’t think it’s fair since he doesn’t have time off to go, and I don’t want him to miss work and it be unpaid.”
“He gets 1 week paid PTO, and he used it as a staycation.”
“He’s not big on travel.”
“If he joins me, then it would cause us to get a hotel, probably a rental car, and increase our expenses.”
“I want to go as cheaply as possible.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, I have a deep dislike for the ‘I won’t, so you can’t either’ folks.”
“Your spouse is allowed to have a life outside you!!” ~ crazyy_llamaa
“100%. I haven’t done IVF specifically, but I did 3 rounds of Clomid (fails) and 1 round of an injectable (forget the name) plus trigger shot and allllll the damn vaginal ultrasounds that went with fertility monitoring, and that was its own level of Hell.”
“And that’s not even talking about the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and all the other stuff.”
“OP is definitely NTA and should enjoy her trip.”
“And if her husband is really against it, then maybe she needs to consider whether she should continue to pursue having kids with him.” ~ Sylentskye
“NTA, I have a deep dislike for the ‘I won’t, so you can’t either’ folks.”
“Your spouse is allowed to have a life outside you!!” ~ crazyy_llamaa
“If you love someone, you should want them to experience the best in life, not hold them back because you’re jealous that you don’t have the same opportunities they have.”
“This summer I suggested my partner join his mom and nieces (who live in a different province) on a trip back home to Central America for a week, and was definitely slightly jealous when they sent home pictures of them jetskiing at the all-inclusive resort they stayed at.”
‘More than jealous, though, I was super happy to see him having fun and bonding with our nieces, who we don’t see nearly often enough.”
“My partner encouraged me to take the previous three summers off from school and go on 12-week cross-country camping road trips with my dog.”
“He was only able to fly out to join us for a short leg of the journey each time, because he had limited time off.”
“It was an amazing gift of selflessness, and those memories are what have held me together after I lost my dog last year.”
“I wouldn’t have those memories and my dog wouldn’t have had the most wonderful last three summers of her life if we had been limited to vacations that we could all do together.” ~ Mysfunction
“He’s used up his PTO himself while you were working, so the people saying it’s unfair are also being unfair.”
“Why is it only ok if he uses it to stay home?”
“Plus, you’re with friends.”
“This isn’t a couple thing.”
“That said, I can understand why he feels bad.”
“You should talk it out with him, maybe plan something for the two of you to do as well, since he’s probably not mentally great as well. NAH.” ~ Torquip
“NAH, but don’t be naive in thinking that just because you aren’t an AH, that it won’t cause problems in your relationship.”
“Hawaii is a pretty big trip and on a lot of people’s bucket lists.”
“While he may not be big on travel, Hawaii is not just any destination.”
“If I were in your spouse’s position, I’d be pretty upset and pissed that my partner is going to Hawaii without me.”
“It seems pretty clear that you can’t really afford Hawaii, but are getting to benefit from having friends.”
“There is nothing wrong with that per se, but if I were the spouse who was also dealing with IVF not working for you guys, and my wife left me to go spend time in Hawaii with her friends, I’d be put in a pretty low place.”
“I’d struggle with resentment for not being able to go to Hawaii and knowing that my wife would likely not be as interested in returning since she had been there herself.”
“I get that he wasn’t the one going through the treatments himself, but he still has to live with it being unsuccessful.”
“This really will take some good communication between you guys to avoid any fallout.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“Um… go. Not even a question.”
“A good partner would support you doing something for your mental health, and it doesn’t sound like he’s sad he’s missing out (since he doesn’t want a trip like this), but rather he just doesn’t want you to have a nice time if he can’t?”
“If so, your memories of the trip might last longer than the relationship.” ~ Professional_Bite147
“NTA. If this is a healing trip for the soul, surrounded by other women, I would let him know that.”
“I would also let him know that this isn’t a Hawaii trip in the sense of an exotic, sexy vacation.”
“This is you, at your friend’s sofa, wine, tears, talking till sunrise rise, etc., the friend just happens to live in Hawaii.”
“Plan an exotic, sexy beach vacation with him next year, and ask him if he doesn’t want you on this friend’s sofa, what locations are he okay with you crashing with a friend and healing your soul?”
“Reminding him that even though the ability to get pregnant and the health of a pregnancy have as much to do with the health of the father as it does the mother, only one of you is doing injections, hormones, and putting your body on the line.”
“You both need to grieve this, but only one of you needs to do it physically.”
“I am so sorry you are going through this.” ~ Bibliophile_w_coffee
“In 2016, I went to New Zealand for a week without the husband and kids.”
“My husband was ok with it, and we screen chatted each night so I could say goodnight to the kids too.”
“We have been together for 30 years, and it’s always me being ‘on,’ so it was a break with friends.”
“You need to be yourself before you are a wife, mother, anything else.”
“Your spouse doesn’t think it’s fair?”
“Apart from sounding just a little childish, your friends are trying to cheer you up.”
“It’s not about him, and if he wants to go, maybe you guys can go together during his next PTO? NTA.” ~ CherryGripe75
“NTA. He doesn’t like traveling, but you do.”
“Does he expect you to never take your allotted PTO or travel if you can’t go without him?”
“I travel every week for work, and my wife has to take more than one trip longer than a week to visit friends.”
“This is a ‘put your own mask on first’ kind of scenario to me.” ~ overZealousAzalea
“You’re not necessarily the a**hole for wanting to go on a vacation without your spouse, but you’re kind of the a**hole for using it as a way to deal with your emotions about something I’m sure your spouse is also having a hard time dealing with.”
“I’d probably need more information to really have a say here, but it’s definitely something you should have a longer conversation with your spouse about.” ~ Leather_Bisexual
“I’m going with NTA.”
“It’s understandable to need time away.”
“However, if your spouse wants to take unpaid leave and go, and you both can afford that, that’s their decision.”
“If you just want some friend time away from your spouse, that’s very reasonable, but be honest with your spouse.”
“I wouldn’t say it’s ‘not fair’ to go without your spouse at all, but maybe you both need a deeper conversation as to why they think that.” ~ kpuza35
“NAH. I can understand you wanting to go on vacation by yourself since your spouse can’t go.”
“I also understand your spouse not wanting to be stuck at home while you are enjoying yourself on vacation.”
“When I was married, I’d leave for a weekend every once in a while, and my ex did too every once in a while, but we mostly did larger vacations together.” ~ lakas76
“NTA. You have 2 weeks more than he does.”
“He chose to stay home during his one week, and now you have an opportunity to spend a week with your friends.”
“I would be fine if my husband went on a golf trip/ whatever with his buddies as long as it was not instead of spending a single vacation with me if I only had one week.”
“If it’s couples, and if the two of you can afford it, then you should have him with you, even if it’s a little more.”
“If it’s all women, I think that would be no fun for a girls’ trip.” ~ anditurnedaround
You’ve been through a lot, OP.
Reddit believes you deserve this trip.
Your husband is just going to have to understand.
It is unfortunate that he doesn’t have the PTO to cover it, so you all need to focus on saving rather than spending.
But that is just life.
Go have fun.