A parent’s death is always heartbreaking.
And when the surviving parent starts to move on, it can lead to a ton of stress.
That is when lashing out happens.
Case in point…
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA if I stop paying my daughter’s tuition over a disgusting comment she made towards my new girlfriend?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (56 M[ale}) wife died at the young age of 51 from a car accident.”
“I was in deep morning for about a year after her death.”
“I met my new G[irl]F[riend] C (43 F[emale]) around January.”
“C was the one who made me laugh for the first time after my wife died.”
“She’s smart as hell (3 Ivy League degrees), has a dark sense of humor that I love, a terrific cook, and overall an amazing woman who I can imagine spending the rest of my life with.”
“She is also on the heavier side, a fact that becomes relevant later.”
“I have 2 children, E (25 M[ale]) and A (19 F).”
“They were well aware that I had gotten a new GF before I first introduced them to C this summer.”
“She got along immediately with E, but A was very very standoffish.”
“After that initial meeting I asked A if there was something wrong but she denied it.”
“C made a few more attempts to get to know A but they were all rudely rejected.”
“E and A both came home for Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I asked A to please be polite during the meal since she’s always been rude in her interactions with C even though C has been nothing but gracious in return.”
“The dinner was going as well as it could have for the first 10 minutes, although I noticed A glaring at C the entire time.”
“When C went to grab her third helping of mashed potatoes, A said ‘Don’t you think you’ve eaten enough, you fat pig?'”
“C started sobbing immediately and ran off into the bedroom.”
“I felt my face turn red and told A to get out.”
“About half an hour after A left I texted her stating that I would no longer pay her tuition unless…”
“1. She apologized to C and…”
“2. C accepts her apology.”
“A must have assumed that I was bluffing because she instead doubled down on her behavior during Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I then logged into her university’s tuition payment website, canceled next semester’s tuition, and sent A the screenshots.”
“She called me crying and begging me to reconsider but I told her my mind was made up.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared ESH, so you’re all the A**hole.
“ESH. Something more is undoubtedly going in between C and A.”
“You need to find out why A has such a strong dislike of her and reacted so strongly.”
“A is probably still deep in morning for her mother.”
“You’ve managed to put your grief behind you, but the process is much slower for some people.”
“Seeing C in her mother’s place at Thanksgiving was probably very hard on your daughter.”
“That doesn’t excuse her rudeness, but it might explain it.”
“Secondly, you’ve made your daughter’s tuition dependant on C accepting her apology.”
“As the fees are something between you and your daughter that’s not appropriate especially as C seems to be the issue here.” ~ jojoamethyst
“While I agree that the daughter was wrong to be that rude and mean, I do think that OP’s punishment is out of proportion to the crime committed.”
“Therapy, yes. A stern talking to, yes. A deep and open conversation, absolutely.”
“No longer paying college tuition, that daughter was relying on for her future… that’s like amputating an arm because a (nasty) cut got infected.”
“Furthermore, OP is sending his daughter a message that his love and support is conditional at a time where she most needs unconditional love and support from her remaining parent.”
“This will push her away so hard.” ~ penguinsofwonder
“Seriously, these people are acting like she’s upset over something stupid.”
“Her mom literally died.”
“She’s still probably destroyed over that.”
“It’s not as simple as ‘Oh all she had to do was be nice to a person for one dinner.'”
“No, she had to be stoic during a special family holiday while someone she doesn’t know is sitting where her mom used to.”
“Yeah, she was out of line with her comments, but people have to understand what she’s going though.”
“The death of her mother is probably a life changing event, it might define the rest of her life.”
“It’s probably really difficult coming back home to an empty house to begin with, much more to see a stranger in there.”
“Again, not saying the daughter was right to do what she did, just defending her from people saying she’s a baby or she’s in the wrong.”
“If you really think that, I feel like you lack a lot of empathy.” ~ RickToy
“Also, this isn’t like OP was cheating on his wife and is now demanding his daughter to call his mistress ‘Mom.'”
“I have no idea what is going on with the 19 year old, but whatever it is, we don’t need to excuse her rudeness.”
“For what it’s worth, I was in the same boat with my Dad dating when I was a 19 F. NTA.” ~ GrayRVA
“I was gonna go with n-t-a but after reading this comment and the one above it, definitely gives me a broader perspective.”
“ESH since what daughter did was obviously completely out of line.”
“OP should step up and be a father and dig deeper as it’s definitely something that needs to be addressed on a much deeper level between father and daughter.”
“Would highly recommend some family counseling together just between father and daughter as well.” ~ Terrible_Username234
“The biggest issue with OP is he unnecessarily escalated the issue between his daughter and GF.”
“It was completely unrelated to his daughter’s tuition (i.e. her future) and he immediately jumped to using that money as leverage to force his daughter into compliance.”
“Instead of trying to connect with her in what is clearly a challenging, emotional situation and working through it.”
“That’s just shi**y to do to someone you love.”
“Keep fights limited to what’s actually going on.”
“Don’t threaten to blow up the foundations of your relationship unless you get your way (or you actually are ready to end the relationship over it).” ~ CanAlwaysBeBetter
“I would also agree with ESH.”
“Please try looking at it from your daughters perspective OP.”
“It may not excuse her actions, but at the very least, don’t punish her for her grief.”
“I’ve been in a similar situation.”
“Though it happened to me at a much later age.”
“I have lashed out, and I still despise the new woman.”
“Because the speed at which the new woman came into his life made me question everything up to that point.”
“Was the marriage ever real?”
“In the case of your daughter she has the added grief she needs to process.”
“And in her eyes she might feel she hasn’t had the time to.”
“While she’s still grieving you’ve brought this new person back and forced her to accept (again) the reality that her mom is truly dead, and that you’ve already moved on.”
“Certainly you withholding paying her tuition on condition of her apology, makes you also an a**hole.”
“She hasn’t had any time at all to even build up her own savings to pay her own way, and you drop her the moment you can because she offended your new GF.”
“That would just build up resentment, and further her inner convictions that now that you’ve moved on, you have chosen this new woman over her, your daughter.”
“Frankly speaking, there are many other better ways you could have handled this.”
“Sitting her down and asking her how she’s feeling for one.”
“Understand and give her the space she needs, and she will come back from this.” ~ elric331
“Spot on. I’m 20 years older than daughter and it freaking HURT to see my dad with a new GF at our family holiday table — and it had been more than a year.”
“And it wasn’t just that she was there, and that she wasn’t my mom, it was that she was so different from my mom and they were so clearly enamored with each other in a way he never seemed with my mom, 30 years of marriage will do that to you.”
“And while he had a while to get used to the idea of dating and loving a new person I was just now dealing with that, live and in-person in front of me.”
“Granted, I didn’t call her a fat pig, but I did call her a racist when she said racist shit at the dinner table.”
“And I MAYBE got more upset than I normally would have because of the heightened emotions… and again I’m a 39 year old woman.”
“She is a child doing child like crap.” ~ TaraBells
Well OP… you have quite the situation on your hands.
Everybody needs to sit down and have some honest, calm talk.
Though you may want to see a family therapist first.
Good luck,