Back in college, Redditor AITAexwife had an affair with a man who was 20 years older. He had told her he was single with three kids.
But when she became pregnant with his child, she discovered the truth about his family and found herself in the middle of a custody battle.
Despite the drama, the Original Poster (OP) developed a genuine friendship with her affair partner’s youngest daughter, “Kate,” who was younger by six months.
When “Kate” invited the OP to her wedding, answering the RSVP posed a challenge that led her to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit where she asked:
“AITA for going to my friend’s wedding even though her mum and dad (who is the father of my child) will be there?”
“When I was 19 I met a guy in his 40s at university. He told me he was married and had 3 kids but his wife was dead, so he wanted to keep us secret until the kids were ready to hear about us.”
“When we’d been together for 18 months, I found out I was pregnant. He freaked out and admitted his wife was not actually dead. Needless to say, we broke up.”
“Then began a custody battle. And when I say ‘battle,’ I mean battle, as his wife said he could only keep the kid if they got full custody and I got nothing because she didn’t want to deal with me for 18 years.”
“After a lot of bullsh*t from the wife they only got visitation every 2 weeks. Because of her all or nothing mentality, on finding out that her actions had resulted in visitation only, they decided to not be involved at all beyond child support.”
“During the custody case, I met his other kids. His sons both hated me, but his daughter, ‘Kate,’ (who was 6 months younger than me) felt that her dad was the only one who should get in trouble here.”
“Kate wanted a relationship with her youngest brother, who was still an infant and who I now had full custody of. I agreed to letting her see her brother, and we actually became pretty good friends, as we were a similar age, with similar interests, and she spent a lot of time with the baby.”
“A few years ago I introduced Kate to a friend of mine, and now they’re getting married. My son and I are still a touchy subject with Kate’s parents, and Kate says her mum regularly complains about the child support. However, Kate wants her little brother at her wedding, and she and the groom both want me there.”
“The wedding isn’t until next summer, and the invites haven’t even gone out yet, but she’s sorted out her guest list and me and my son, who is now 6, are both on it. I’ve already said we’ll be there.”
“Kate’s parents have seen the guest list. Her mother has messaged me asking me to not attend. I’ve refused, and she called me unreasonable and said I f’ked up her family 6 years ago, she doesn’t want any drama or bullsh*t eg my son recognising her husband as his father (which he will be able to do as he’s seen pictures and knows that Kate is his half sister) or the affair being made known to their wider family.”
“She also doesn’t like my friendship with Kate, and has said that she doesn’t want to see my face at Kate’s wedding as I’ve ‘humiliated’ her enough.
“My POV is that Kate has asked me to be there, I’m friends with Kate and her soon-to-be-husband, and my son is already excited to go, plus it’s not like I’m going to take the microphone and go ‘attention! My 6 year old is the bastard child of the bride’s father! Cheers to the bride and groom!'”
“Plus, I don’t have a problem with them being there, despite the stunts the wife pulled when we were sorting custody, so if they’re the ones putting their foot down, I feel they should be the ones to not go.”
“I talked to my roommate about it, and the roommate said that while she’s a b*tch, I did f’k her husband, and I’d be bringing his child to the wedding.”
“AITA for still wanting to go despite Kate’s mother telling me not to?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors declared NTA and looked to the source for all the drama.
“NTA. The real a**hole here is Kate’s dad, with his wife in second place for taking out her totally justifiable anger about her husband’s infidelity on you.”
“I’d talk to Kate. I know you don’t want to cause issues with her pre-wedding, but it’d be worse if nobody said anything and she had no idea that conflict was brewing on her big day.”
“What if her mom caused a scene? Tell her that you are excited to come and bring your son, but let her know that her mom is upset about this so that she’s prepared for any drama.”
“The priority is to make sure she’s happy at her wedding, NOT to cater to her cheating dad.” – SoftVampiric
“Yes, please keep Kate fully informed of her parents’ behavior. She is the one who gets to decide who she wants at her wedding and what boundaries she needs to enforce to enjoy the day.”
“If Kate asks you not to attend, then don’t. But since Kate wants you there, she needs to enlist some friends (or hire security) to babysit her misbehaving parents or there is going to be drama.”
“ETA: OP, I’m sorry that you were decieved by a predator at such a young age. I’m sorry that that predator and his wife would rather blame you than face reality. It seems you and Kate have formed an awesome connection however and I’m glad your son is appreciated by his sister.”
“Some family is worth holding on to, it sounds like you and Kate have that in each other.” – nippitybibble
“NTA, but being right shouldn’t be the only thing guiding the decision. Definitely talk with Kate about how she wants this to go.”
“Not just ‘I think my dad was in the wrong and I we are friends so you should come’ but ‘I want you there even if it causes a huge scene with my family and my mom ruins my day.'” – joy090
“Uh you f’ked a widower, not a husband. You thought the wife was dead because he’s a liar. None of this is your fault, go to the wedding and have a great time with your son and your friends.”
“Everyone else can suck an egg. NTA” – ThreeToTheHead
“This is something you need to discuss with Kate and her fiance. Although they want you and your son to attend, it sounds like there is the very real possibility that her dad and mom will cause a scene and upstage the whole wedding.”
“Kate and her fiance need to decide if they are okay with the wedding potentially being about this family drama and not about their nuptials. NTA.” – JabbaInBlueJeans
“NTA. Your roommate is off base by saying you f’ked her husband. He told you his wife was dead and you didn’t learn she wasn’t until you got pregnant.”
“Only you can decide if it’s worth attending but the wife is seriously misplacing her anger that should be directed at her husband for being a cheater.” – LAKingsofMetal
“Guy also took advantage of her. He’s 40 years old and he had sex w/ a 19 year old.”
“The blaming that the roommate is doing, as well as the wife, are directed at the wrong person and it’s disgusting to blame a teenager over the grown a** man.”
“Kate is ridiculously mature. She’s amazing.” – Torkip
Many of the Redditors denounced the husband for lying in the first place and encouraged the OP to have a heart to heart with Kate prior to the wedding before committing to a decision about attending.