Musician Irate After Wife Of 17 Years Immediately Starts Dating His Former Best Friend And Bandmate After Divorce

Though this doesn't work for most people, there are some of us who will try our best to maintain positive relationships and friendships with the people we've dated.

This is especially true for people who were married, especially for a long time, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.

Redditor SeaDebt8559 was married to his wife for seventeen years, and now that they were divorced, it was important to him to try to maintain a friendship with her and keep her in his life.

But when she immediately moved on to date his former best friend, the Original Poster (OP) felt a strange combination of feeling hurt and confused, despite trying to move on.

He asked the sub:

"Am I overreacting by being upset that my ex-wife of 17 years immediately started dating my former best friend?"

The OP had a falling out with a former friend.

"I want to start by saying that I THINK I probably AM overreacting and that my intention is to just learn about myself."

"There's this guy, Mark. Mark and I were best friends in high school and intense musical friends."

"We played in dozens of bands together, went to college together, and toured together."

"A few years ago, we had a falling out. I wouldn't call it 'ugly,' but there was definitely some significant dysfunctional energy."

"It's my belief that he was quite a jerk to both me and my ex-wife on numerous occasions, particularly when alcohol was involved."

"He's been particularly rude to me, saying some pretty horrible things about me to a friend."

The OP was surprised when Mark and Kate showed an interest in each other.

"My ex-wife, Kate, and I got divorced in July. It was as much of us growing apart as anything."

"We're still on good terms and have felt like great friends recently. I've hoped we could remain friends for years."

"I entered a new relationship in November."

"Now, Kate and Mark have started dating."

"I want to be clear, I do NOT have an issue with Kate dating. I want her to move on and be happy."

"But this particular relationship just makes me want to puke."

"Mark has been a huge source of stress in our lives for years, and ending that friendship was incredibly painful."

"This situation has my blood boiling. I've talked with some of my friends about it, and the unanimous feedback has been, 'What the f**k?!'"

"It's her life and none of my business, but I can't help but feel betrayed by Kate."

The OP also felt really conflicted.

"I have one additional question. What does it say about me that I feel this way in a new relationship?"

"I have absolutely NO interest in Kate. Why specifically does this bother me? The logical side of my mind tells me that I should just laugh and put it out of my head."

"I have a wonderful new partner. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much."

"AIO?"

The OP later updated the post with information he realized might be important:

"I'm terribly sorry to add this context so late, as so many of you have graciously commented already, BUT one thing I should've said up front."

"A HUGE factor in this situation is that Mark has a history of domestic abuse. To my knowledge, there was an incident a few years ago (after he and I lost touch) where the cops were called (by his now-ex) because he had some kind of mental break and started smashing stuff in the house with a baseball bat."

"Unfortunately, this is the second instance I've heard of something like this."

"Kate knows this, and unfortunately, I've literally heard her say the exact words, 'Maybe I can be the one to crack the code with him.'"

"So… I don't think my concern is coming from a place of being controlling or overprotective. I feel as if this man is an unstable danger to her safety."

"And yes, on a human level, there's a chunk of my ego that feels a little bruised over the fact that they were both great friends of mine. BUT, unless I'm reading my own mind wrong, I truly believe that my concern is for her safety."

"She's already in quite a bad place emotionally, and I fear this could end in disaster for her."

"I've voiced this. I suppose all I can do is let it happen and focus on myself."

Fortunately, the OP didn't think that cheating was likely.

"Also, who knows, but I think that the cheating theory is very unlikely. She's extremely shy and introverted. She's definitely been a 'go to work and then come straight home' kind of person, and I've worked from home for years without ever noticing anything unusual with her being gone or anything, so… I really find that theory unlikely."

"I think a much more likely theory is that she decided to date this guy because she's so shy, and the idea of someone familiar (even if there are red flags everywhere) is more attractive than the idea of a stranger."

"AIO?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NOR: Not Overreacting
• YOR: You're Overreacting

Some side-eyed the story, developing theories from a full-blown affair to rejected advances.

"The most likely reason for a best friend to suddenly become toxic, insulting both the wife and the friend, is that he was previously having an affair with the wife, and she cut it off."

"I think he was toxic because he didn't take the wife's rejection well the first time."

"The tip off is that he ALSO insulted the wife, and he mostly did this while he was drinking."

"He was angry at both OP and his wife, and that feels like the wife picked OP over him. It came out when he was drinking because when he was sober, he was aware enough to realize letting this out would destroy his friendship." - FunkyPete

"Maybe he liked the wife (even subconsciously) and started spotting the things OP wasn't doing 'right' and got frustrated about it. I don't think there's any need to jump to an affair, but it's still... strange." - Competitive-Sail6264

"Maybe they weren't having an affair, but he came on to her and was rejected. That could have the same reaction of him turning nasty." - switchywoman_

"A lot of people have poor judgment and make dumb decisions when they're hurting, though. We have no idea how OP's ex is coping with the divorce or OP dating someone new. It's not that far-fetched." - Curious_Contract2172

"Y'all men are always so presumptuous and quick to blame women. Do you have any idea how often men are mean to women they have feelings for, regardless of whether feelings are returned or not? A lot."

"It's actually super common for men to act like mean children when they're rejected, so I would argue he probably tried to have an affair with her, she rejected him because she was loyal, and post-divorce she probably figured she had a shot at a rebound to a guy who once made a move. Which seemingly worked." - Curious_Contract2172

"I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago where my ex-boyfriend started dating one of my better friends from the college town we lived in. She was pretty messy, and he used to talk so much s**t about her while we were dating, and I used to vent to her about what an a**hole he was."

"Fast forward to our final break-up, I had moved back to my (and my ex's) hometown and drifted away from my old friend group, when who do I run into at the drug store one day but my ex and ex-friend."

"I was already dating someone new, too, so I wasn't 'hurt' to see them dating, more just like, confused? They both talked so much s**t about each other, it was like, were they both just doing that for my sake or something? Were they secretly attracted to each other the whole time?"

"Yadda yadda yadda, they imploded dramatically after a few months, and it turned out they weren't so much secret soulmates as two angry drunks." - Emotional_Emotion113

Others understood what the OP was feeling but encouraged him to move on.

"NOR, but at this point, the best thing to do is ignore it and move on. Neither are in your life anymore, so they don't need to be on your mind, either." - ninjoid

"I think most of us would feel the same way as you do, OP, if we were in your shoes. It's a natural human reaction, but I'd focus on your own happiness right now and enjoy your relationship." - anongirl55

"Allowing their relationship to continue to bother you could negatively impact your current relationship. Your partner may feel like you aren't truly over Kate and aren't able to build a relationship with them."

"NOR, but do your best, for you and for your partner, to let this go and move on." - EnoughManufacturer32

"Sometimes the trash takes itself out, OP doesn't need a 'friend' like his ex-wife. She knows what she is doing… NOR, but if this were the AITA subReddit, the OP would be NTA while his ex would be the obvious AH." - InfoSecPeezy

"If I were the OP, I would ignore and move on. But it sounds like it's a little more complex than 'out of sight, out of mind.' Maintaining a positive relationship with someone you've spent a significant portion of your life with is important, maybe even healthy. It sounds like you can't really avoid it altogether, at least not right now."

"My advice would be, if you want to maintain this positive relationship with your ex, and you truly do believe that you're great friends, maybe talk to her about it, if only to help yourself move past it with the least amount of resentment."

"Mention the stress you felt was put on you both, stress that you don't 'disapprove' of or otherwise care about her dating or with whom, and that you want her to be happy and have love."

"As long as you're being honest about a lack of jealousy and such, a conversation like that might just set you free..." - ChromiumSilk

The subReddit could understand why the OP was experiencing conflicting feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion, but they hoped that he could start to let those feelings go and move on, so he could develop a relationship with his new partner.

But if maintaining a friendship with his ex was that important to him, a conversation might need to happen to clear the air and decide whether the friendship was something he still wanted once he knew the truth.