Every successful relationship has important milestones, and for many of them, one of those milestones is making the big decision to move in together.
Of course, when this happens, both people’s needs have to be considered, the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, and issues with accommodation could ultimately be dealbreakers.
Redditor traumadramaaita was shocked when her boyfriend refused to accommodate her needs and make her feel more comfortable by limiting his dog’s access to the rest of the house.
When he began to question if they should still live together, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder if she was asking too much.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for giving my boyfriend conditions on me moving in with him?”
The OP was thinking about moving in with her boyfriend.
“My (24 Female) boyfriend (26 Male) and I have been together for 3 years.”
“I currently live with a couple of roommates, but our lease is up in 6-weeks, and they both decided they want to get different places.”
“My boyfriend lives by himself in a duplex, and we’ve talked about me moving in with him before, but nothing too serious.”
“Now that I am going to have to look for a new place anyway, we’ve talked about it more in-depth. We’ve talked about how we would split costs, which furniture we would keep, stuff like that.”
But she didn’t like that he had a dog.
“One big hang-up though is that my boyfriend has a dog.”
“I have some dog-related trauma from my childhood, and they can be a massive trigger for me.”
“When I first started dating him, I would make him put his dog in the bedroom when I visited, which wasn’t often. I would pretty much make him come to my place 90% of the time.”
“Eventually, with my permission, he started introducing his dog to me in small amounts. I am now comfortable enough around the dog that the dog can be free in the house while I’m there, but my boyfriend has to be there too. I can’t be around the dog by myself.”
“My boyfriend also has friends that have dogs and they bring them over to my boyfriend’s house to let the dogs play in the fenced-in backyard they have access to.”
“Just the thought of unfamiliar dogs in and around my living space gets me on edge. I need to be able to feel safe and comfortable in my own home.”
“I’ve had to leave my boyfriend’s house before when his friends had their dogs in the backyard because they are loud and big and I just can’t handle it.”
The OP wanted to establish some rules if she was going to move in.
“So I told my boyfriend that if I’m going to move in with him that we need to get a crate for his dog so that I can have a place I can put the dog when I’m home alone.”
“I also told him that his friends would no longer be able to bring their dogs over.”
“My boyfriend did not take this well. He has always been very supportive and understanding of my needs regarding his dog, but he told me that I was going too far.”
“He said he’s not going to punish his dog by putting it in a crate every time he leaves and that this is as much his dog’s home as it would be mine.”
“He also said that my rule about his friends was controlling and he wouldn’t agree to it.”
The OP didn’t understand where her boyfriend was coming from.
“We fought about it because he’s never been this dismissive about my needs before and I didn’t understand why he was being like that.”
“Eventually, he told me that maybe it’s not a good idea if I move in anymore.”
“I was shocked and told him he was being an a**hole for putting dogs over my right to feel comfortable and safe in my own home.”
“I also told him that he was putting me in an impossible position because I haven’t even looked at alternative housing options.”
“I can’t afford to live by myself so I would have to scramble to find roommates and possibly would have to live with people I don’t know.”
“He told me that he’s sorry, but that he’s already worked so hard to get me comfortable around his dog and he won’t take steps backward.”
“I’ve done a few quick searches for housing and I am pretty much screwed if I don’t move in with him.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was absolutely asking for too much.
“YTA. That’s not a good compromise at all. Your issues are yours alone to deal with and your phobia can be worked through and healed with time and effort.”
“He’s already been extremely accommodating, but depriving the dog of its space and friends for the rest of its life is just cruel.” – Unlikely_Cap_7168
“‘Why doesn’t my BF love me enough to be cruel to his dog? This is just such a small thing I am asking!'”
“I honestly would avoid you like the plague, OP, not because you have a trauma, but because you have zero empathy. Having people with zero empathy around in one’s life is begging for trouble.”
“Do your boyfriend and his dog a favor and find another boyfriend without animals, also preferably a guy who puts his own needs first over everyone else’s, just like you do.” – Willbewithyousoon
“This is what convinced me that OP was the AH. I think OP should have said, ‘Hey, I’d like to explore this option. Here are the circumstances I’d be comfortable under. I understand I’m asking a lot of everyone involved, and I will look for alternative options if this doesn’t meet everyone’s needs.'” – GenXgineer
“Also they have been together for 3 years and said they have kinda discussed moving in together before, so how is it that this is the first time living with the dog has been discussed?”
“Totally not fair for OP to expect the dog to have to change their routine for her. I understand phobias, but that does not mean she gets to control the dog’s habits in their own house.”
“The dog was there first, and I hope the boyfriend puts their foot down and refuses to follow OP’s conditions. YTA.” – Street-Mall3318
“I guarantee if they did move in together, at some point it would go from a crated dog (if the boyfriend ever agreed to that and he absolutely shouldn’t) to ‘I think it’s in our (my) best interest to get rid of the dog.'”
“You knew he had a dog, who is family, whether you get it or not, going into this, OP. What you’re asking is cruel to the dog and unreasonable to expect from your boyfriend.” – elag19
“She thought waiting to the last minute and making the timeline an emergency would make him cave in. Good for him for not doing so.”
“OP, work through your dog trama or cut this guy loose. He did his best to make you comfortable, but you are asking far too much at this point.”
“A dog lover usually needs a dog-loving partner.”
“OP, YTA.” – _littlelowin
Others agreed and pointed out the OP wasn’t the only one who needed to feel comfortable.
“It’s not even OP’s home yet … it still is her boyfriend’s and the dog’s home. The DOG also has a right to feel safe and comfortable in its OWN home.”
“The dog is no less important than it was before just because OP wants to move in.” – HP9997
“OP keeps saying that she wants to be safe and comfortable in her own home. She currently is – in her own apartment. So she wants her boyfriend and his dog to give up their safety and comfort for her? Naw man.” – Major_Zucchini5313
“The OP said, ‘I was shocked and told him he was being an a**hole for putting dogs over my right to feel comfortable and safe in my own home.'”
“But he’s not even putting the dog over her needs to feel safe. He’s simply saying that his house isn’t compatible with her needs.” – beaversm26
“If anything, the dog is more important. OP can speak up for herself and do things for herself like leave if she’s uncomfortable. The dog can’t.” – drwhogirl97
“I hate to say it – but if you are that traumatized by dogs, WHY ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE WITH A DOG.”
“Everyone is entitled to their trauma and I understand OP has issues around dogs. But they are also choosing to date someone with a dog.”
“I am highly, highly allergic to cats, so I don’t date people who have or want a cat. I even communicate this before we meet for the first time because it is literally that much of a dealbreaker for me.”
“If OP cannot handle being around dogs – it sounds like they are not compatible.” – derbarkbark
It was unclear what the OP was doing in her own life to help her move beyond her dog-related trauma, but her boyfriend’s accommodations were certainly coming to an end.
While the subReddit could understand this being a big transition period for everyone involved, they also agreed this was far too much to ask of the boyfriend and his dog, and it also border-line with controlling behavior.