A relationship with one's in-laws isn't always an easy connection to cultivate.
Not every family member, old or new, will bond.
Having a cordial relationship may just be the best it gets.
But that type of 'best' may not sit well with every significant other.
Redditor Positive_Topic_8 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her relationship with her husband and ailing M{other]-I[n]-L[aw], so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for refusing to go see my husband's sick mom?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (33 M[ale]) for 3 years."
"In these 3 years, I've visited his parents every single time they've needed something."
"Festivals. Birthdays. Random check-ups."
"Even when his mom had a minor surgery last year, I took leave from work and stayed there for 5 days helping with meals and meds."
"Meanwhile, he has visited my parents… twice."
"Both times for 2 days."
"And both times, he was very reserved for the whole time."
"When my mom had a bad flu last year, and I wanted to go stay with her for a few days, he said, 'Can you manage it yourself? I have work.'"
"Manage it myself?"
"She's my mother."
"I went alone."
"When I video call my parents, he doesn't even sit with me."
"He'll either stay in the bedroom or scroll on his phone in another room."
"Sometimes he won't even say hi."
"My mom once asked quietly, 'Is everything okay? He doesn't seem comfortable with us.'"
"That hurt more than I expected."
"He says I'm overreacting."
"That he's just busy."
"That not everyone is 'into family stuff.'"
"But when it comes to his parents, suddenly it's 'we need to go.'"
"'It doesn't look good if you don't come.'"
"'What will people say?'"
"Last month, when my dad needed help sorting some legal paperwork, my husband didn't even call him."
"Not once."
"I handled everything on my own after work."
"Now his mom is unwell again."
"Nothing life-threatening, but she's weak and needs care."
"He told me we're going this weekend."
"And for the first time, I said no."
"I said I'm tired."
"I said I don't feel like putting in the effort where it's not mutual."
"I said it hurts that he expects full D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] energy from me while giving nothing back to my parents.
"He got furious."
"He said I'm being petty."
"That this is about health, not 'keeping score.'"
"But it doesn't feel petty."
"It feels like I'm finally reacting to three years of imbalance."
"I'm not saying he has to worship my parents."
"But basic respect?"
"Showing up once in a while?"
"Making a phone call?"
"Why is it always my duty but never his?"
"And honestly, yes... technically, I could go this weekend."
"I'm not dying."
"His mom is a sweet woman, and I really bond with her."
"I can definitely make it."
"I'm just… emotionally tired from my husband's behavior."
"I love my parents and really want a nice bond between them and my partner."
"I have a beautiful bond with his parents. "
"I feel bad, but I'm really not liking the imbalance here."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITAH here for saying no to visiting his sick mom?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"You've just seen a preview of how the rest of your life will be with this man."
"Act accordingly." ~ Humble-Feedback1236
"So you know, there are double standards where he expects all give from you and gives nothing back."
"Like the lead comment said... 'You have seen the future, act accordingly.'"
"This will not go away."
"The fact that he refuses to see it is going to get worse."
"There will come a time when he will expect you to go to his parents when he has work."
"You know the future."
"Act accordingly..." ~ Usual-Canary-7764
"If it's not even a big deal, he shouldn't make it one if you are not going."
"You are not being petty, you are just matching his energy."
"Calling you petty for setting reasonable boundaries is as gendered and manipulative as calling an angry woman hysterical."
"It is not okay."
"A marriage is a partnership, and he isn't treating you as such in this situation."
"Honestly, I hope you show him the comments, and he realizes how lucky he is to have a wife who genuinely seems to like his mom."
"So NTA!" ~ Loud_Shallot_1367
"The way your husband is behaving can't be isolated to the inequity of parent relationships."
"People like this expect more than they give."
"Unfortunately, I expect you're wearing blinders as to his low-key effort in other situations.
"Look for this pattern in other situations." ~ ArkieHiker
"NTA. This is about respect."
"He is not showing you respect for you and your family."
"He demands it from you, and now resentment has set in."
"Instead of him recognizing this and addressing it with you, he dismisses it and doubles down."
"The fact is, he can't be asked when it comes to them."
"I'm guessing nothing big happened to cause that because you feel clueless in this."
"So it's not a matter of him limiting contact because they've hurt him."
"Does your husband's selfishness extend to other areas?"
"Are you always compromising the things that matter to you where he concerns but he never has to with his things?"
"Is this an overall pattern that you're just noticing with relation to your parents?"
"I suggest marriage counseling, at least for you."
"While you should put your foot down and demand the same respect, this is going to blow up."
"He's already making it about you."
"You're going to need to find a way to reach him or learn where your real limits are and what you're willing to do to respect those boundaries." ~ CSurvivor9
"He's very clearly showing you that your job as the wife is to look after him, and that extends to his family."
"You are the woman, cleaning and nurturing is your job."
"You don't get to say no; you signed up for it when you got married."
"I won't be surprised if he doesn't suggest that his parents move in soon, seeing as his mother's health isn't great, just so it's easier for you to look after her, of course."
"His job as the man is to make sure you're doing your job."
"You need to put your foot down now before you look up from doing the dishes one day and realize you have wasted your life with someone who doesn't appreciate or respect you." ~ whatswrongwithfolks
"NTA. Your husband believes that he and his family are more important than you and yours."
"It's good old-fashioned misogyny at play."
"This can't be the only area of your lives where he is showing this side to himself?"
"Men like this don't view their wives as equals, sometimes not even as individuals, just as an accessory and extension of themselves."
"So in his mind, of course, it's your job to help him take care of his parents, you're HIS wife." ~ MrsSEM84
"NTA. He acts as if he doesn't like your parents." ~ I-luv-sloths
"You did exactly what he's been doing to you, and he was furious."
"Maybe now he will see how he has been making you feel."
"You married a complete a**hole."
"Give his family the same attention he gives yours." ~ winterworld561
"NTA. But he's likely to still be angry when he arrives there, so circumvent any passive aggression on his part by calling her while he's en route."
"You're frustrated with him, not her."
"Let her know you care but are under the weather yourself." ~ Sifiisnewreality
"He doesn't seem to care about you, or even like you."
"Forget his words; his actions show everything you need to know."
"He wanted a wife so that he could have someone to do his bidding."
"He didn't want a partner. NTA." ~ Remarkable_Rock3654
"NTAH, and I came into this post fully expecting to say you are an a**hole based on the title."
"There are marriages where scores are kept; they are unhappy ones."
"There are marriages where scores need to be kept because the imbalance is completely unfair (yours is this one)."
"There are marriages where scores don't need to be kept because the imbalance doesn't happen often and/or it's compensated for later; these are the marriages to strive for."
"If your husband sees his lack of support/acceptance of your family and their needs versus the support his family gets as 'score keeping,' that tells you all you need to know about him: he doesn't see your family as equal and/or (worst of all) as not worthy of his time."
"It's hard to say where he falls in this, but unless you sit him down and have a long, difficult discussion with him where he shows he's putting the effort in to change his behaviors, then you're in for a one-sided marriage for the rest of your life."
"I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums, but this marriage seems to need one."
"'Either you start putting in the effort for my parents that I do for yours, or we're done' is a valid response to years of willful neglect."
"Edited to remove a redundancy." ~ notheretoargu3
"NTA. Tell him that he's a hypocrite."
"Call his mother directly and wish her well."
"Tell him that if he continues this behavior, you will explain exactly what he's been doing and saying to his mother and that he can explain to her why he's so rude because clearly he has no respect for you, and she's not done raising him." ~ Alternative-Number34
"NTA, you are about to see a side of him, and you aren't going to like it."
"Get ready for his reaction." ~ Careless_Welder_4048
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's time for your husband to step up.
You're not asking for the world.
Your family matters as well.
Stay firm.
Good Luck.
