There are several antiquated traditions when it comes to marriage which many people are thankful are now largely a thing of the past.
These include a groom asking permission from their bride’s father, the family of the bride being the ones expected to pay for the wedding, or even a bride feeling obligated to wear white.
And then there are women taking their husband’s names.
It’s becoming more and more common for women to keep their maiden names, or in some cases hyphenate their surnames with their husbands.
Some men are admirably progressive and willing to take their wives’ names.
Something the fiancé of Redditor agirlhasnoname_2 was more than willing to do.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) received resistance to this notion from a rather unexpected place.
With doubts cast on her decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA: I, a female, want to give my fiancé my last name, but my father and brother don’t want me to. Am I wrong for planning on doing it anyways?”
The OP explained how she wanted to keep her surname after marriage, and while her fiancé was on board with the idea, others were not.
“To start, my fiancé is willing and happy to take my last name.”
“He grew up with a horrible father.”
“He has no attachment to his last name and no siblings.”
“I have a very unique last name and a strong attachment to it.”
“I brought this up to my father and he said wasn’t so sure about it, given my brother is the only male in the family who would carry on the name.”
“My brother found out before I could bring it up to him and called me, saying I was being inconsiderate and couldn’t believe he hadn’t been asked.”
“This got me irritated because, in my opinion, I have just a right to share my name as he did with his wife.”
“He and his wife have been married for over a year and I think they feel possessive about the fact they were the only ones “supposed” to carry on our name.”
“I think the fact that this is an issue at all is rather sexist.”
“It’s my last name too and if I want to give my future husband, who has never had the privilege of feeling like he belongs to a family, my name, no one should take issue.”
“I have three sisters who aren’t yet married, but they shouldn’t have to feel bad about giving their name either.”
“I don’t feel like I’m being selfish here, but AITA for breaking tradition?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for going through with her fiancé taking her name, despite her brother and father’s objections.
Everyone was confused why the OP’s brother and father would take any issue whatsoever with her fiancé taking her name, finding their behavior sexist and ridiculous.
“NTA.”
“Why the f*ck should they care?”
“If anything they should be proud that your fiancé wants to take your name.”
“It is sexist, and it’s ridiculous.”
“And if nothing else, it’s your name, your fiancé, and your marriage.”
“Do it.”
“They’ll get over it.”- sim-o
“NTA.”
“What the f*ck are the dudes in your family thinking even?”
“It just makes no sense.”
“Give your fiancé your last name if that’s what you and he want.”- rose_cactus
“NTA.”
“Your brother and father are being ridiculous and there’s no logic behind what they’re saying.”-HallouYou
“NTA.”
“You’re correct that your father and brother are being sexist.”
“There’s no valid reason they could give that would make sense.”
“If you were a single parent, you’d pass your family name on to your child.”
‘Why should it be any different if you’re married and you and your spouse agree?”
“You’re giving your future husband a beautiful gift.”
“Congratulations on the family the two of you are creating together.”- Kenderean
“NTA.”
“It’s your name to pass on as you like.”
“What a pile of misogynistic bullsh*t.”- wigglebuttbiscuits
“NTA.”
“enjoy your marriage.”- ejmci
“NTA.”
“This sh*t is so sexist, like you’re not also a part of the family that can carry the name?”- Pengauno
“NTA.”
“It’s your name just as much as his.”
“How is he getting precious about who carries on the name?”
“His opinion on your marriage doesn’t get a vote.”- BooBerryWaffle
“NTA and you do not need their permission to keep your name or share it with your husband.’
“Go ahead.”
“their concerns are absolute nonsense.”- LucidOutwork
“NTA.”
“The patriarchal tradition of passing names down only through the male line of descent has caused a lot of pain and suffering.”
“Think of all the wives who were shamed, abused, discarded and sometimes even killed for not providing sons, all because only sons could be heirs and only sons could carry on ‘the family name’.”
“A large part of why women were degraded through the centuries, and still are, in many places, is because of this stupid ‘male heir/males carry the name’ tradition.”
“It’s disgusting.”
“Furthermore, it doesn’t even make logical sense that this came out of a world where paternity testing couldn’t be done.”
“You never 100% knew if a baby born from a woman was her husband’s or any certain man’s, but you did 100% know it was hers.”
“Women should have always been the ones to carry family names.”
‘Anyway, it’s a gross, stupid, bloody tradition and you definitely don’t have to uphold it or listen to people telling you that YOUR name isn’t truly yours to give.”
“You DO have just as much right to give it to your spouse as your male relatives do.”- chessie_h
“Did your brother ask you before he gave his wife his last name?”
“No?”
“F*ck em.”- Happyhotel
“NTA.”
“F*ck patriarchy.”
“I wouldn’t give up my last name either.”
“Do what makes you happy.”
“Your father and brother should be happy about sharing their family name.”- bigtiddygothgf7
“NTA your brother and dad are being weirdly possessive and yes, sexist.”- ThatComicChick
“NTA.”
“F*ck the patriarchy.”
“I don’t understand why men get so weird over a f**king name.”- SleepFlower80
“NTA.”
“It is an antiquated tradition dating back to women becoming a man’s property when they marry.”
“Take it from someone who’s broken the tradition.”
“My wife and I combined our last names when we were married.”
“I’m sure some people were upset/confused but f*ck em.”
“Its not about them, you and your fiancé go forth and do what makes you two happy!”- Soggy-Llama
“NTA.’
“It’s just as much your name as it is theirs.”
“And it’s just as much your right to give that name to someone you love as it is their right to do the same.”
‘If you had a penis this wouldn’t even be an issue.”
“So the fact it is an issue is just sexism.”- piscesmermaid007
“Unless you’re some kind of feudal Lord, your last name doesn’t count for sh*t.”
“I’m sick of guys thinking their last name is some holy legacy.”
“My dad says this kind of stuff and its annoying AF.”- GGnidis
“NTA.”
“It’s perfectly legal for the man to take the last name of the woman and the fact that your family is so offended that you’re not being ‘traditional’ is kind of gross.”
“Do what you want, it’s your marriage, not theirs.”- Cipher_3
“My best friend, Jane Doe, and her husband, joe schmoe, took her last name when they got married because she had a bachelor’s, masters, and PhD in her field of study with her maiden name on all her diplomas.”
“She didn’t want to be addressed as Dr. Schmoe but display all her hard work as Dr. Doe.”
“Her partner was happy to oblige because he loves her and doesn’t give a damn what their last name is as long as they get to be together.”- kb709
After reading the comments from the Reddit community, the OP returned with an update, as well as to clarify some things regarding her father and brother.
“My father and brother are amazing people and husbands.”
“I think they were caught off guard by my thinking more than anything else.”
“I’ve let it go for now, but will bring it up again simply to explain my thinking and I believe they will understand.”
“They are rational, empathetic human beings, if a little old school sometimes.”
“As for my fiancé, he is absolutely amazing and all my family approves.”
“When I originally brought up keeping my last name, he was the one who suggested taking mine as well.”
“He’s perfectly secure in his masculinity for all those wondering lmao.”
“Thank you for all the encouragement!”
“My fiancé and I will be rocking our kicka** last name soon enough.”
It is fairly confusing why any father would be upset to have more potential grandchildren carry on the family name.
But it thankfully seems like their reaction came from a place of surprise more than anything else.
One can imagine after the OP’s special day arrives, the only thing that will be on her father and brother’s mind is how happy she is with her new husband.