Becoming a stepparent to children who have lost a parent is always a delicate balance.
As though they now are more or less the mother or father figure these children may have in their lives, they shouldn’t try to replace the parent they lost.
Some children and stepparents manage to find a happy balance and maintain a healthy and loving relationship.
In sadder circumstances, the children never grow to accept their new stepparent, and their relationship remains strained.
Redditor SuccessfulShip2224 and her younger sister lost their mother when they were both young children, and their father remarried soon thereafter.
While the original poster (OP)’s younger sister managed to maintain a healthy relationship with their new stepmother, the OP never did, eventually becoming somewhat estranged from her father and stepmother.
Learning that her younger sister was soon to be married, the OP offered her an heirloom to wear on her wedding day.
A gesture that moved her younger sister but which her father and stepmother viewed as a slap in the face.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for letting my sister wear mom’s necklace during her wedding?”
The OP explained why the “something old” she gifted her younger sister for her wedding was not appreciated by her father or stepmother:
“My mom died when I (29 F[emale]) was eight and my sister (24 F) was 3.”
“Our dad was remarried two years later.”
“My sister immediately bonded with dad’s second wife.”
“While I was always distant with her.”
“I didn’t like her vibe.”
“To be honest looking back I know she was the way dad wanted her to be; ready and willing to step in and take over everything mom did.”
“This made me mad, but for my sister, it was just natural.”
“It was a year after they got married, Dad and Emily (his wife) sat us down and told us she’d love to legally adopt us and be our mom.”
“I said no before they finished talking, and I refused to hear them out.”
“My sister said no as well.”
“But she was saying no because of me, and I knew it at the time, but I didn’t try to reassure her she could say yes.”
“This caused a strain between me and Emily because Emily felt really let down.”
“My sister already called her mom.”
“But she said no to making it legal.”
“And I didn’t make it easy on her.”
“My sister and Emily were very close when I still lived there.”
“My sister called Emily mom all the time.”
“Never called her Emily or stepmom.”
“She fully bonded with Emily.”
“I never bonded, and I was asked to leave right before I turned 18 because of all the issues between us, which I did happily.”
“I have seen my dad and Emily 5 times since.”
“Each time, it was my sister’s birthday or something sister-related, like my graduation.”
“Otherwise we have zero to do with each other.”
“I didn’t invite either of them (Dad or Emily) to my wedding.”
“My sister was invited.”
“My sister is now engaged.”
“We were talking a few weeks ago, and she asked me if I’d have any of mom’s jewelry that I could let her wear to her wedding.”
“She told me how she thought of mom a lot these days, and she felt bad for completely disregarding her when she was younger.”
“She said she imagines the kids she wants, and it kills her to think of another woman fully replacing her if she dies.”
“She also mentioned how in the last couple of years of living at home, she asked about mom more, and Emily clearly disliked it.”
“And Dad refused to talk about her.”
“She said that for her wedding, she would feel wrong wearing something of Emily’s when Emily wanted to squash out Mom’s memory.”
“I told my sister she could have the necklace mom wore to her wedding, and I wore it to mine.”
“That it could connect the three of us.”
“She loved the idea.”
“Emily and Dad are pissed.”
“They feel like my sister is disrespecting Emily, but they are also pissed at me and reached out for the first time in more than a decade to yell at me for successfully alienating my sister from Emily and destroying my sister’s only motherly relationship.”
“They told me I only said yes to spite Emily, and I’m sh*tty when my sister has called Emily’s mom almost her whole life.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was firmly in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for giving her sister their late mother’s necklace to wear at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was honoring their late mother’s wedding in a personal and beautiful way, and if anyone was disrespecting anyone, it was Emily and the OP’s father disrespecting the OP’s late mother:
“NTA.”
“But don’t let sister have it until the day of.”
“Put it on her after she puts on her dress like your mom would have if she were still physically present (because she is still emotionally present).”
“This also keeps Emily or Dad from an opportunity to get hands-on and vanish the necklace.”
“Then make sure you get it back before she leaves the reception.”- Swiss_Miss_77
“So according to your dad and stepmom, you are somehow…doing something your sister asked of you that makes you both happy…at them?”
“Emily had the chance to take the high road and blew it.”
“She already had a whole childhood with your sister where your sister gave her everything she wanted in terms of treating her like a mom, and she still needed to try to erase your mom’s memory.”
“If she’s unhappy about a very small token of your mom at your sister’s wedding, honestly, I hope she marinates in that bitterness.”
“NTA.”- EsmeWeatherwax7a
“They dismissed you when they legally could.”
“These are not parent figures at all.”
“Good thing your sister saw through them in the end.”
“NTA.”- DoIwantToKnow6417
“All that drama over a f*cking necklace?”
“You are absolutely NTA.”
“You shared a treasured family heirloom with your sister (her ‘something old,’ I presume), and it made her even happier on a happy day.”
“Your dad and stepmom are jackasses for not wanting your sister to have a connection with her birth mother on her wedding day.”
“It sounds like SM is intensely jealous of your mother’s memory.”
“It’s truly a shame.”- alisonchains2023
“NTA.”
“You are only doing what your sister asked.”
“SHE came to you wanting to know more about your shared biological mother, which she wouldn’t have had to do if your father and Emily had put the kibosh of any talk of your mother.”
“It makes sense that your sister originally bonded to Emily — she was very young when your mother passed away.”
“It’s so cruel of your father and Emily to try so insistently to completely replace her.”
“If Emily ‘loves’ you and your sister, she should love, or at least show respect for, the woman who brought you two into the world.”
“It’s ridiculous that Emily is being so damned childish and making your sister want to know more about her mother and wear her Mom’s jewelry at her wedding about herself, which will do more harm to your sister than if they had just…. not done any of that.”- fallingintopolkadots
“The first time your dad and Emily reach out to you in a decade is to yell at you?”
“Wow.”
“NTA.”- Ok_Stable7501
“Your sister asked. You didn’t demand.”
“I think it is very kind of you to let her borrow the necklace.”
“I also think you should keep a very close eye on it lest Emily ‘accidentally’ loses or damages it.”
“NTA.”- JaneTheCane
“NTA.”
“Full stop.”
“How Emily and your father proceed from this point forward will determine whether or not they have a relationship with your sister.”
“I understand why your sister was able to bond so easily with Emily.”
“She was so young. It’s unfortunate that Emily and your dad don’t know how to be bigger people or how to parent grieving children.”
“I hope your sister gives herself grace in all this and gives herself a chance to discover the mother she never knew.”
“It will be so nice to have someone to remember and live her with after all these years openly.”-mimka79
It is sad that the OP and Emily never managed to maintain a loving relationship.
However, since the OP was a young child who lost her mother, and Emily was the adult in the situation, it doesn’t seem as if Emily put nearly as much energy into creating a healthy relationship between them as she could have.
Instead, it seems that Emily always allowed herself to feel threatened by the OP’s late mother rather than help her stepdaughters get through their grief and honor her memory together.
Had she done that, they could have very likely evolved into the family Emily seemed to want.