For an adopted person, backstory is pivotal.
Information about one’s biological parents and the circumstances that led to giving the person up can, for better or worse, shape identity.
Some adopted people seek out that information. Some have no interest.
But one Redditor, whether she was interested or not, recently had it fall into her lap. She was so spun around by a key discovery that she turned to the “Relationship Advice” subReddit for guidance.
The Original Poster (OP), known as THROWRAshdndndn on the site, laid out the major factors right in the post’s title.
“Found out I have a twin back home that I never knew about because my parents didn’t want to adopt a baby with a disability.”
She began by sharing what she’d always known.
“I was adopted from India when I was six months old. I’m now 28. Since my parents are white I obviously knew I was adopted from a young age.”
“The only thing I was told was that my bio parents were very poor so they put me in an orphanage and both moved away to find work.”
“My parents were also from two different faiths and they had me out of wedlock so I was rejected by both sides of their family.”
“I thought I knew the full story until very recently.”
And then the promise of a new generation brought renewed curiosity.
“My parents have a box of my things when they first adopted me like the clothes I was wearing, my toys, my papers etc in a box somewhere in their closet.”
“When I found out I was pregnant last month I wanted those things to give to my daughter.”
“My parents had no problem giving me the box with all the things in it. When I took the box back home to look at it, I was looking over all the pages. Inside the box there’s a lot of papers in Marathi with an English text version as well.”
“There’s about 30 pages in there. My friend is Indian but she speaks Hindi primarily but knows a bit of Marathi.”
“She told me the written texts are similar so one day when she was over we decided to go over the papers for fun.”
Those documents piqued her interest.
“To my disappointment she couldn’t understand a lick of what the Marathi papers said but she noticed a name, ‘Nakusha”’and told me she recognized that as meaning ‘unwanted daughter.'”
“After looking over the papers for a while she told me she also noticed another word ‘sister’ being mentioned on some of the papers.”
She wanted to do some more digging.
“I was so thrown off. I asked her to clarify but she didn’t really know much else because she’s not that fluent and thought she was making a mistake and said she could take a picture and ask her dad whose fluent what it means exactly and what they’re referring to.”
“The English text version said nothing about a sister and it was supposed to be a direct translation.”
“When my friend left I called my mom and told her that the funniest thing just happened, my friend was very badly trying to translate the Marathi papers and noticed the word ‘sister’ but we think it’s just a mistake.”
“My mom chuckled nervously and said it must be a mistake and changed the convo. In hindsight it was clear as day but at the time I didn’t think twice of it.”
Then, with some help, there was a breakthrough.
“My friend texted me a few days ago saying her dad looked at the pictures and said that the Marathi paper said that I was born a twin but my twin was born with a missing lower leg and an arm and is basically ‘in-adoptable.'”
“My twin was sent to a special adoption center and that’s all the paper says about that.”
Cue life-altering, mind-splitting confusion.
“I. Was. Shocked. A twin?! I was led to believe I was an only child. I have a twin sister out there somewhere in India. Is she alive? Is she well? Does she know about me?
“Ever since I found out I have a whole twin out there I feel like a part of me is missing. I have someone with my exact DNA out there.”
“My husband is just as shocked as me. He was there when I went over to my parents house to confront them.”
At first they denied it and said my friends dad mistranslated it, but after some badgering and crying they finally admitted to it.”
Finally, OP and her parents had it out.
“My dad says they really wanted me and they couldn’t afford to raise a disabled child and they didn’t want to leave without me.”
“They tried to say they loved me so much and were so set on adopting me and the agency only told them about my sister once they already bonded with me and that my sister was better off back in India because she would be too big a burden.”
Still reeling, she needed the wisdom of Reddit.
“I feel so lost and confused and like I don’t know what to do. I’m pregnant and my hormones are crazy.”
“I haven’t spoken to my parents since and my brother told me they haven’t stopped crying. What should I do?”
Many people were shocked right along with OP. They didn’t know what to say themselves, but that didn’t stop them from reaching out.
“This is crazy I’m very sorry you’re going through all of this.”
“Don’t really have any useful advice but sending you a hug from an internet friend and whatever you chose to do, it’s okay, nothing is your fault and you’re making the right choice 💕💕” — twoeyedhuman
“That’s super intense. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. This is like a book or something.”
“It is kind of sad that they kept that from you but it is understandable that they couldn’t take on raising 2 kids and one with a disability.”
“I’m trying to envision how to tell a child they have a twin back home and that they can’t live together or see each other. At what age to let them know the whole story.”
“There’s probably no right answer so they went for what they thought was right for themselves.” — WeezleyJ
Many people, however, defended her parents.
Some speculated that they didn’t have as much as control as we may think.
“If the twin left behind in India was classified as unadoptable by whatever governmental body did so, then perhaps the adoptive parents wouldn’t have been able to adopt the handicapped twin, even if they had wanted to.” — pogeauxpoum
Others completely understood OP’s parents decision-making.
“Be thankful for the life they gave you, and do not hold it against then. The odds of the two of you being adopted together were probably highly unlikely due to your sister’s additional needs…”
“…your parents recognized they could not give her the life she needed. If you want to seek her out, such things are seemingly now easier than ever.” — wandering-mind
“Would you feel the same way if your parents declined to adopt a disabled baby that you weren’t related to? Of course not.”
“After all, it’s not like you are out there looking for disabled unwanted children to bring home either (and there are plenty of them, sadly.)”
“It is very hard to raise a disabled child and few people choose to adopt disabled children. Your parents are not evil and they don’t deserve to be cut off for this.” — StereoOnCookingBacon
“They could not handle a child with disabilities. It’s not that easy for parents to go through the pains of taking care of a child with special needs. Talk to your parents.”
“Don’t blame them for making a choice which is you, but blame them for not telling you you had a twin. Try to find her once the covid-19 cases come down in India.” — hecatonchires266
And some people began to imagine that effort to reunite.
“You should go find her if she’s still alive! You’ve been given an epic quest! Once your baby is born and you’re sorted out with that. Also once covid dies down.”
“BUT You can begin research! Find out the orphanage. See if they have records. This is an epic mystery!”
“Maybe she died young after a tragic life. Maybe she is alive and has her own kids. You should find out what happened to her!”
“This is all very exciting so i hope you give updates.” — Leooeeoeoeo
“The best bet you have is to wait until your child is born, and then contact the orphanage in India to see if they have any record of your sister.”
“You might be able to find her, but since that whole thing was ~25 years ago, your chances might be slim as there would be no computerized records of that time.” — whitedranzer
“Wishing you the best! I hope you find your sister.”
“For what it’s worth, I’d be more than happy to contribute to a fund for finding/helping her if you go this route. I’m sure others would too. Good luck.” — samdaines
With all that wide-ranging feedback and commentary from Redditors, it’s hard to say if OP left feeling any less confused.
Ultimately, of course, how to feel and what to do next is up to her.