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Mom Livid After Her Mother Bleaches Her 11-Year-Old Daughter’s Hair Without Permission

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Everyone has their own vision of what a wedding should look like, and unfortunately, that can directly impact a person’s appearance or personality.

This was recently discussed on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor arcticfauxy made a terrible discovery when she went to pick her daughter up from a family weekend over the holiday.

But when she was criticized for her reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong.

She asked the sub: 

“AITA for telling my mother we won’t be going to her wedding since she bleached my daughter’s hair?” 

The OP’s daughter stayed with family for the holiday weekend.

“My mom is getting married at the end of July. My daughter (who is 11) was going to be her flower girl. (I know she’s a bit old for the role but she’s the youngest granddaughter).”

“Over the holiday (July 4th, we’re in the USA) my husband and I both were on call, so my daughter stayed with my brother and his wife, who went over to my mom and her fiancé’s house.”

The OP made an unpleasant discovery when she went to pick her daughter up.

“While they were there, my mom BLEACHED my daughter’s hair without even asking me.”

“We dye her hair semi-regularly with Arctic Fox, which is safe for kids. About a week ago, we dyed it a very pretty blue.”

“My mom detests unnatural hair colors and has been hounding me to ‘fix it’ for the wedding.”

“My daughter was fine with being a brunette for a little while when I asked. I was going to let her blue fade out naturally then put a dark brown over it a bit before the wedding. I guess that wasn’t soon enough for my mother.”

“Obviously, I’d NEVER bleach a child’s hair.”

“But my mother in all her glory decided it was a perfect time to ‘fix’ her hair for me. This woman used to be a stylist (over a decade ago), but she should know better.”

The OP was beyond angry.

“I am furious. Her hair is SO DRY and damaged, and the blue isn’t even out. It’s like this splotchy faded green/blue with spots of blonde.”

“I don’t want to put ANY product on it now because I don’t want to risk more damage.”

“The only good thing is she didn’t touch the roots.”

“I have an appointment Thursday at the salon I go to for her to try and fix it.”

The OP decided they would not be attending the wedding because of this.

“I told my mom we won’t be going to her wedding, which is causing a commotion.”

“I’ve been getting a lot of ‘she’s a control freak, it’s just how she is, it’s not a big deal, it’s just hair’ from almost everyone.”

“I cannot believe my SIL (sister-in-law) who’s usually the BEST babysitter let this happen.”

“My brother says I can ‘just fix it’ like it’s so easy.”

“My daughter hates her hair and expected a pretty bleach blonde ‘like Billy Eilish,’ which is what her grandma promised her, not a faded mess.”

“People are acting like I’m overreacting and that my mom’s ‘best intentions’ trumps my own parental choices.”

“I know people already judge me for letting my kid have colored hair, they don’t see how bleach is different.”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some were against the family who protected the grandmother. 

“If ‘that’s just who she is’ then ok, she cannot change, therefore there’s no point in a confrontation, and the only option is no contact.”

“If someone’s excuse is ‘oh well they/I are/am just a s**tty person,’ then my response is ‘great, I don’t have s**tty people in my life’. End of story.”

“Saying that’s just who they are is a ridiculous way to dismiss bad behavior. If they are incapable of change then I am incapable of having them in my life.”butwhy81

“I’ve come to realize ‘that’s just who X is’ has always been said due to the lack of holding someone accountable for their actions. People enable such behavior and excuse it because it’s easier than dealing with the tantrums/outbursts.”

“Hold your ground, OP. If you do not, this will only continue as your daughter continues to grow. Your daughter will see how you feel/love for her by what you do now and in the future.”

“Stop the ‘abuse’ and show your daughter she can trust you to protect her regardless of the situation (even if the abuse is coming from other family members).”brainy_mermaid

“I can’t stand that dismissive attitude towards other people’s feelings. Doesn’t matter if I think it’s just hair—it’s their hair!”

“Some people care an awful lot about their hair, or car, or toad collection, whatever. They’re entitled to be upset or blasé or whatever regarding what happens to their belongings. Folks need to stop writing off feelings because they happen to be different from yours.”Kitty_Kat_Attacks

Others questioned the grandmother’s reasoning as a former hairstylist. 

“The thing is… grandma used to be a stylist. I’m not and never have been, but even I know that you do NOT use bleach to remove temporary color. If anything she just made it next to impossible to fully remove the blue!”

“In a few weeks, daughter’s hair would have been almost back to normal and there are easy ways to speed up the fading process! An occasional vinegar rinse, warm water, clarifying shampoo… boom.”

“This is just… stupid. I wouldn’t judge a newbie so harshly for this, but when a former hairdresser and a CHILD are involved? There is no justification for this.”Dead_before_dessert

“To be fair to Grandma (tho that’s about the one thing you can give her), it sounds as if she got the daughter onboard to having blond hair.”

“As a parent of a preteen, OP is within her rights to be miffed she wasn’t consulted, but then she got the consent of the person the hair belongs to.”

“Of course, the 11-year-old agreed because she didn’t know grandma would botch it spectacularly.”

“Which is another reason to be p**sed off. Grandma was cavalier with an important part of her granddaughter’s identity (and potentially, health, if she botched it badly enough) and abused a child’s trust (you wanna bet she didn’t tell her bleaching colored her was risky and could turn out badly?).”

“And for what? Because she didn’t like that the child’s hair was blue.”owl_duc

“Badgering an eleven-year-old by making false promises about what the outcome will be isn’t really getting her ‘onboard.'”roseofjuly

Though some of the family was firming supporting the grandmother, the subReddit argued that she was out-of-line. Not getting a parent’s permission for something as serious as bleach, especially when it’s utilized poorly, is a serious offense.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.