As much as we'd like to think that progress has been made, it remains a sad truth that far too many women don't feel safe when going out and about.
There remain far too many men who think objectifying and catcalling women is acceptable behavior.
Hopefully, the bartender or manager at a bar or restaurant can help the situation, and ask these unruly men to leave.
But on some occasions, bartenders and managers are complicit in putting women in uncomfortable situations.
Such was sadly the case for Redditor whothatisnow, who found a bartender putting her safety at risk.
But after her friend claimed that she overreacted to the situation, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making a thing because a bartender showed my ID to random customers?"
The OP first shared that she has a physical trait which can be a nuisance, but others might envy.
"I went out the past weekend with 2 friends."
"I'm 29 but I have a 'babyface' so I still get carded regularly."
"I'm used to that and have no issues."
But on this particular outing, it was her youthful appearance which got her into this predicament.
"Well we went to a sports bar/restaurant place and the bartender, 'Trent' carded me."
"No big deal."
"Then some random guy was sitting a few seats away said 'how old is she?'".
"Trent said 'well she was born in '92 so...29.'"
"I was holding out my hand expecting to get it back because I thought he was done."
"Random guy said 'no way let me see' and Trent walked over and handed him my license."
"I said 'um excuse me can I have my license back?'"
"Bartender said 'yea just a sec."
"Then the guy next to random guy took it and looked at it."
The OP was not at all pleased by Trent's actions, and was surprised to find her friend didn't think it was such a big deal.
"When Trent finally gave it back I sarcastically said 'thanks for passing my personal information around.'"
"My friend Lilly that knows Trent said 'they were just messing around calm down' so I didn't say anything else about it til when we were on our way home."
"I said 'I can't believe you're friends with that tool.'"
"Lilly said 'he was just kidding around you need to lighten up', and apparently him and 'Billy' and 'Rob' are friends."
"If it was something that just had my age, I wouldn't care but my license (like everyone's) has my first name last name, address, and I don't know Billy and Rob from a hole in the wall."
The OP's boyfriend also didn't think much of her encounter, despite being aware of a somewhat dark episode from her past.
"When I told my boyfriend he laughed and said 'they were probably trying to flirt' and I should just let it go, that my past is causing me to be paranoid."
"Because I had a coworker borderline stalking me a few years ago, luckily he didn't know where I lived but he'd 'show up' randomly when I was in public, A LOT."
"I'm sure if he knew where I lived he'd have shown up there too."
After further reflection on how inappropriate Trent's actions were, the OP decided to take matters into her own hands.
"It bothered me Sunday and Monday."
"I could easily not go back there, and probably won't but my thinking is if he's passing around my ID he's doing it to other people."
"I called the place yesterday and asked to talk to a manager and said what happened."
"Lilly called and yelled at me earlier, she said that they were just messing around, it wasn't serious enough for me to call and get him in trouble, that I embarrassed her by acting like an uptight bitch and making a big thing over a joke."
"Maybe they are harmless and it was probably just a joke, but it's more the principle of it."
"AITA should I have just let it go?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP had every right to complain about Trent's behavior, and was in no way the a**hole for doing so.
Just about everyone was appalled that Trent didn't think twice about showing strangers the OP's private information, which could have led to something very serious, and thus deserved to be fired.
"NTA, you didn't consent to the bartender passing around your ID to begin with."
"That is private information, and the fact that your so called friends are bf are defending it is bs."
"You expressed how uncomfortable you were with that, and nobody seemed to stop and really think about how the 'joke' isn't funny and you didn't appreciate it."- BonifideStoner12.
"NTA f*ck that."
"Who would want a bunch of strangers to have their full name and address?"
"NTA at all."
"Honestly you should have made a bigger scene."- Stanski11.
"He's showing strangers at a bar your literal address…NTA."
"That's crazy!"
"And it's none of the other guys business how old you are if the bartender has verified that you're of drinking age."-ChocolateKoko.
"NTA if your license works like it does in my country your address is on it!"
"Contact the owner and tell them what their employee is doing, it's unsafe and I'm not sure if it's even legal."
"Any of those men could in theory turn up at your address, how f*cking stupid is this Trent prick."
"Not okay not ever!"- Anewstageinlife.
"NTA imo."
"That whole routine just reads to me like me like a bunch of barflies sexualizing a young looking woman either as a misguided joke or some uninvited attempt to flirt."
"Either way; just f*ck off and mind your own business huh?"
"And that's not even to mention that strangers in a bar being able to see and possibly remember your home address is potentially dangerous."
"The bartender is an a**."
"Isn't their job, other than pouring drinks, to make people feel welcome rather than f*ckin uncomfortable?"-KentuckyRootHero.
"NTA."
"That bartender seriously crossed the line."
"It doesn't matter if they were 'messing around' - their form of 'messing around' involves sharing people's personal info with complete strangers!!!"
"Honestly this could have been so much worse too."
"Some people use their military ID instead of their driver's license - if that bartender had started showing strangers my military ID I would have raised a scene right then and there, and not felt a lick of guilt about it."-QuackLikeMe.
"Nah NTA."
"Stalking is a very real and serious issue."
"He had no business passing your info around bc as you mentioned, you don't know these people like that."
"It's quite a privilege to not worry about things like that and I truly hope no one has to experience it."
"However the world can be unkind and even less empathetic to victims so I understand your concern."-pnb10.
"NTA."
"In the UK and Europe this would be illegal under GPDR laws."
"You were absolutely right to complain."-TheZZ9.
"Naw."
"No way in hell are you the a-hole on this one."
"NTA."
"You just got doxxed against your will."
"I get it that your friends know this guy, but the fact is you didn't."-carbinePRO.
"NTA."
"He shared your personal info with strangers."
"I'd have kicked up a fuss then and there but I'm that type."
"Wonder how Lilly would feel if her license was passed around, or photocopied and posted on bulletin boards."
"The thing with private info is once it gets out you can never take that back."
"This sort of thing aggravates me."
"It's her friend so anything they do is OK, even when it's not."
"When it's your issue they're just messing around but I guarantee if it was someone else and her issue, she'd pitch a fit."-ohsogreen.
"NTA."
"The bartender was wrong full stop."
"He literally could've just said your age he didn't need to show your whole ID to a complete stranger."
"And Lily has no right to tell you you overacted as it wasn't her ID."-rollergoddessITM.
"WTF NTA."
"Women get stalked all the time."
"Men never have to worry about getting raped or murdered while going out drinking."
"Showing your ID to friends is not something a bartender should do."
"You trust them with your drink and this shows how much you can trust that guy."-PolyPolyam.
"Absolutely NTA!!"
"Your reaction was not only justified, but the correct thing to do."
"As a bartender, he absolutely should not be showing random strangers someone else's personal information ESPECIALLY since you are already personally aware of just how dangerous and scary that can end up being."
"Your friend Lilly is a massive A if she's aware of this previous incident you've had."
"Jokes have limits, especially when they can endanger someone."-Cute_Berry_7295
A few were surprised the OP's boyfriend wasn't more concerned, or even angry, about Trent's actions.
"NTA - holy I would be terrified AF, and my boyfriend would've lost his sh*t.
"Honestly op your boyfriend needed a stronger reaction to your address being passed around to f*cking strangers."-PlaneEnough3246.
Harmless as it may seem, sharing a document which contains someone's personal address is simply unacceptable behavior.
By a bartender or anyone.
Here's hoping that "Trent" will realize this with all of his future customers.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.