Nobody likes to be part of lie.
Lies make things complicated.
It's especially awkward when someone makes other people part of a lie and doesn't warn them first.
Once the truth is out, the mess can be impossible to clean.
Case in point...
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my boyfriend's co-worker that we're not married?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've been with Boyfriend for about 5 years."
"We live together."
"He does not want to get married, which I'm fine with now, but it was a point of contention early on in our relationship."
"Boyfriend was talking to Co-worker on zoom when I brought him some coffee."
"Co-worker said something like 'so this is the lovely wife I've heard so much about.'"
"I said something like 'thanks but we're not married.'"
"He said 'oh, Boyfriend always calls you his wife,' and then introduced himself, I introduced myself, then ended the conversation and left as quickly I could while still being polite."
"Because both boyfriend and Co-worker were giving me a weird vibe."
"A little while later, Boyfriend came out of the office and asked 'What was that?'"
"I didn't know what he meant so I asked 'What was what?'"
"Boyfriend then said that there was absolutely no need for me to correct Co-worker and that it's better if people think I'm his wife."
"I said I'm not his wife, I'm his girlfriend, and he never told me that he told other people that I'm his wife."
"This somehow becomes an argument, with my side being that Boyfriend never told me that his co-workers think we're married."
"And Boyfriend's side being that I should have figured that being called his wife indicated that Co-worker thought I was his wife and I shouldn't have corrected him."
"And when I said I thought he'd just made an assumption, Boyfriend said that wasn't the point."
"The point was that there was no need to correct him, that it was rude, and that it make Boyfriend look like a d**khead."
"He then said that the solution to this is that when he next has a video call with Co-worker, he wants me to come in again, strike up a conversation, and say that I was messing with him."
"And that Boyfriend is actually Husband and us not being married is an inside joke I thought Co-worker was in on.
"I then said that was the dumbest f**king plan he'd ever come up with, and 'no f**king way am I doing that.'"
"And he said I was being an a**hole, that I got him into this, and now I have to bail him out."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. That is so shady and it feels like there is a lot more going on."
"If you're not married he doesn't get the perks and that includes calling you his wife." ~ Ilovegifsofjif
"Even in the states where that's a thing I'm not sure how it would handle a situation where he says they're married and she says they're not."
"Personally I think if she chooses to split over it she should get to divorce him and get half his stuff."
"If he chooses to split then he shouldn't get any of hers because he chose not to marry her."
"I'm sure the law doesn't actually work that way, but I can dream."
"And OP, NTA."
"If your B[oy]F[riend] doesn't want to look like a liar to his coworkers, he should try not lying to his coworkers." ~ Kylynara
"At my job, definitely."
"I conducted 2 interviews with my manager, I liked one person, who was a single female."
"My boss liked the other person, a married man with a baby."
"The man was obviously not right for the job, came to the interview in jeans, sat in the chair all laid back, used a lot of slang, no experience, kinda seemed high to me."
"While the woman has experience, was well dressed, well mannered."
"When my boss told me he was hiring the guy, I asked why, he said that he had a family to take care of."
"Anyways, dude didn't last a month."
"Then I told my manager to call that woman and hire her."
"Instead he did more interviews and did the same f**king thing, hired a guy based on the fact that he was married with a baby."
"The only time I've seen a woman get a promotion at my job is because they threatened to sue if they didn't get it."
"No woman was in upper management, it's all men."
"Sounds like OP might work in a place like where I work, where it pays to be a married man."
"OP needs to ask if he told anyone they have a bunch of kids." ~ JinkiesGang
"I don't believe based on the info provided it's gone that far."
"As someone who has gone from in a relationship, engaged, to married in the workplace, colleagues treat you differently based on how you assign your relationship."
"It may be similar for women, but I don't have that perspective."
"Commitments to your 'girlfriend' are viewed differently than commitments to your 'wife' by colleagues."
"And while in reality it shouldn't matter, sometimes it is just easier to say my 'wife' instead of 'my girlfriend of 5 years who I'm living with and committed to but don't plan to marry.'"
"To acquaintances/colleagues who don't know your story and aren't particularly close to, it can be easier."
"OP is certainly NTA by any stretch."
"And she's right to confront him about using a term he was committed to NOT using (since he never wanted to get married) but I can at least see where the BF is coming from." ~ redsox113
"Hell no NTA."
"Why is he calling you his wife and he doesn't marry you."
"That seems kind of stupid." ~ cdsacken
"This is a real thing for men in the corporate world the company I used to work for a guy when he was hired had on a ring and would talk about his wife and kids and seem like a real family man."
"The head honchos loved him."
"It wasn't until a few years at being with the company someone found out he'd made it all up to advance himself in the job because his bosses and leaders were all 'family minded.'"
"I don't know how they found out but he left not long after it spread around the company like wildfire."
"I don't necessarily think it would've been that big a deal if he hadn't spun all these elaborate stories about weekends with his wife and trips that he would take with his family when he took vacation time he was in deep." ~ italy2986
"He absolutely still sucks."
"OP wants to get married."
"He could've put a ring on her, but he wants to get the societal benefits of getting married without any of the drawbacks."
"It's fine that he doesn't want to get married but he can't have his cake and eat it too."
"He told a large lie without filling her in, expected her to somehow know about it and play along, then blamed her when he was exposed." ~ jmurphy42
"NTA. That would be the stupidest inside joke in history."
"If your boyfriend, I mean husband is adamant in calling you his wife, why doesn't he propose lol considering your long history too!" ~ itsabouthejourney
"NTA. Boyfriend looked like a d**khead because boyfriend was being a d**khead."
"You didn't do that."
"If he doesn't want to be married, he should not tell people he's married."
"If he wants people to think he's married, he should get married (although I advise against that)." ~ WritPositWrit
"At the very least, if boyfriend is going to put on such a ruse, maybe girlfriend should be in on it."
"A married man is usually more likely to get promotions at work than an unmarried man, so there could be a somewhat valid reason for the ruse."
"But without having the girlfriend's permission/having her in on it, it just seems like a d**k move.
"NTA easily." ~ wpgstevo
"NTA... he doesn't want to pay for a wedding then gets mad because you're not married and you tell people that you aren't like what the hell." ~ Dearhrider757
"NTA, you have every right to claim your relationship status."
"You shouldn't feel ashamed or need to lie about your relationship status."
"I don't know the culture you're in on why being married would be a benefit at work."
"But you don't owe him a cover up." ~ Delicious_Lobster468
"NTA. Your comment was not out of place."
"It also seems pretty damn bold of him to call you his wife after refusing to marry you."
"Also, his plan is the dumbest fucking plan I've ever heard."
"It's making my skin crawl just imagining being on the coworkers end of this weirdo scheme." ~ REDDIT
OP came back with an update...
"We talked. He's f**king a (female) co-worker."
"Apparently 'I can't leave my wife for you' sounds better than I can't leave my girlfriend for you.'"
"So now he's going to have to tell people we've divorced."
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Of course thanks to your update, it all makes sense now.
Sorry about your situation.
Good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.