The wedding industry is becoming increasingly difficult and expensive to navigate, and that's definitely not just for brides and grooms.
It's more expensive than ever to commit to being a bridesmaid, especially when you have to wear a dress and shoes you'd never pick for yourself or ever wear again, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ashamed_Hotel2440 wanted to be mindful of that for her wedding party, so while she had a color and fabric in mind, she otherwise directed her bridesmaids to a website where they could pick any dress they wanted that fell within those parameters.
But when her cousin didn't want to use that site and chose a much more expensive option, which didn't even have the color she'd required, the Original Poster (OP) began to smell drama percolating in her wedding party.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTAH) if I tell my bridesmaids that they have to pick a dress from the website I sent them?"
The OP was trying to be mindful while planning her wedding.
"I (30 Female) am getting married next year in May."
"I sent my bridesmaids the link to where to get their dresses. The website I sent them is Azazie, which has a wide range of options in the color and fabric I want, and the dresses are all within 100 dollars."
"The dresses can be any style, as long as the color I picked for them, which is lavender, and the fabric is the same."
She was surprised when her cousin objected to the website suggestion.
"One of my cousins, who is also a bridesmaid, sent me a link for a different website, which I looked at, but it did not have the colour I selected for my bridesmaids."
"It's also Park and Fifth, which is much more expensive, and since my bridesmaids are buying their own dresses, I do not want to ask them to spend a lot of money on me."
"I texted her, 'Thank you for sending me the website link, but I'd rather everyone pick from the website I sent them. This way, everyone has the same color shade and fabric.'"
"I didn't get a text back from her yet."
"Am I wrong for asking my bridesmaids to pick a bridesmaid dress from the link I sent and not other sites?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that as long as the site was inclusive, she was NTA.
"If the site you sent is affordable, carries the range of sizes your bridesmaids need, and has styles that address any restrictions they have on what they can wear, for e.g., religious, cultural, gender identity, or disability reasons, you're fine."
"Otherwise, you may have an issue. I'd ask if there's an issue you're not aware of with the site you picked." - Synapse4641
"This is what I did for my bridesmaids. I picked a website that had dresses at most $125, told them the color, and let them pick what they wanted."
"The website had the range of sizes needed, and all the style preferences. If these things are all true, then NTA, but if you picked super expensive or not size inclusive, well..." - Bitter-Composer9508
"NTA 100%. I was worried this was a case of requiring your bridesmaids to buy some pricey designer dresses, but it certainly is not. Azazie is reasonable, and it's YOUR wedding." - Ayencee
"NTA. The website's dresses mostly average under $100 for a large variety of styles. In the United States, it is standard for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. This has been the norm for a very long time."
"I've attended and been part of many weddings and wedding parties over the years. I'm going to several weddings again next year, and only one bride has paid for her wedding party's dresses. That bride's parents are footing the bill, which is why the bridal party's dresses are being paid for that way."
"OP is already being much more relaxed in terms of what she wants her bridesmaids to wear. Many brides pick everything from color, fabric, to style and shoes. No other styles of dress are allowed, and shoes are all the same as well, so for OP to only have a preference in color and material is already nicer than many brides." - BlueDragon82
"NTA. I saw you said that the site was Azazie. This is exactly what my sister-in-law did when she married my brother. We all chose the style of dress we wanted, but it had to be the right color and fabric (and she wanted a certain length)."
"A nice thing about Azazie is that you can get fabulous deals from their clearance and sale section. You may not get the exact same dye lot for the color, but if it's close enough, your bridesmaids can get dresses for as low as $15 (well…that was the lowest price four years ago). I ended up buying a bunch of fancy clearance-priced dresses to have on hand." - ismybrainonthefritz
Others agreed and were concerned that the bridesmaid was only trying to create drama.
"Your cousin is the a**hole for causing drama. There are plenty of dresses to choose from on Azazie."
"I'd tell her, 'You're in or you're out. I don't expect the other bridesmaids to buy a dress at that price point. I'm also ensuring that the dye lots for the dresses will match. If you can't find something you like on Azazie, I'd love to have you as a reader rather than a bridesmaid who is supporting me on my day.'" - Flewwthecoop
"I had my bridesmaids get dresses from Azazie. Gave them a color and fabric, it had to be short and that was it. They all got ones that worked for them. The dresses were $100, $120 at the most. Why make it more complicated?" - Perfect_Form5444
"For the last wedding I was in, I was due three weeks before the wedding, and even I found a dress that worked for me on Azazie! I did the try-on option early-ish in my pregnancy and then ordered a maternity dress. I had it altered, of course, by a local seamstress, but they were a great website!"
"It's definitely size, style, and modesty inclusive as well as decently priced, so I have no idea why OP's cousin has a problem with it." - Outrageous_Cow8409
"NTA. Of COURSE you want the colors and fabrics to match exactly. This is a common request, and you made it so easy by providing a resource."
"Every time I've accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid, it's with the understanding that the bride has a lot of say in what the bridesmaids wear."
"I am so tired of people acting like this is an unreasonable thing for a bride to expect. This is how it has always been done. If people don't like it, they can politely decline being in the wedding party." - TheVillageOxymoron
"I used Azazie, and they were great. I did the same thing and asked my bridesmaids to pick the same color (sage) and chiffon as the fabric. They were allowed to pick whatever style they wanted, and it came out beautifully. The dresses were $100-$125, which was reasonable in my opinion. Some of the dress styles they picked have been worn to other events, too."
"Long story short, NTA! I think it's a fair and good idea, too." - Mabu12423
"My friend used Azazie, too, and did the same thing. We just chose which style we wanted. It's very affordable and the quality is good. Plus, there are good options."
"It is standard to ask your bridal party to either get one specific gown or choose from some select options. You do not need to allow someone to order from elsewhere because it will not match." - Natti07
"I used Azazie, and everyone was really happy with the outcome. I ordered swatches of three reds, and we got everyone together to see which one the girls all felt good about."
"My SIL ended up buying multiple dresses because she loved the range of options and price point so much."
"Definitely not an unreasonable ask, in my opinion." - Unitaco90
"I've been in multiple weddings and have been asked to get my dresses from Azazie. They are not crazy expensive (around $100) and do have lots of different styles in the same color, so everyone was able to find something that would work for them."
"I think it's totally fine to expect your bridesmaids to use the site. That's the whole point of it, it allows the bride to choose the fabric and color, and then the bridal party chooses what works best for them."
"I'm honestly shocked that your cousin decided to look elsewhere. Whenever I've been asked to use it, it's never ever been an issue, and everyone was able to find something they liked and at a reasonable price point."
"They even have an option to order a few to try on to help you decide. Tell your cousin that is the site she has to order from, and maybe offer her a few options from there that you think she'd look great in!"
"And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!" - sleepygene
Though many brides in the history of American weddings have made the experience a nightmare for their bridesmaids, this OP does not seem to be one of them, at least when it comes to dress shopping.
She might have a color and fabric in mind, which is understandable, but since she's otherwise interested in her wedding party acquiring dresses that are affordable, fit to their styles, and something they'd want to wear again, she seems to have her priorities straight and chose a website that supports them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.