Even if weddings are ultimately the bride and groom’s special day, weddings tend to be held because they want to spend their happy day with those near and dear to them.
So it’s not hard to imagine a bride being upset when her brother tells her he won’t be coming.
Making things a little more complicated, though, is the fact the brother has Multiple Sclerosis (MS), and the wedding venue was not accessible for the brother, who uses a cane.
This sticky situation led the brother, who uses the Reddit handle @Thisbetterbegood_, to visit the subReddit Am I the A**hole (AITA), and ask fellow redditors:
“AITA for telling my sister that if she really wanted me at her wedding than she wouldn’t be having it on a f*cking farm?”
The Original Poster (OP), shared his story, and the sticky situation he found himself in.
“I (26 Male (M)) have MS and require a cane to walk.”
“My sister (28 Female (F)) has decided that her upcoming venue is gonna be on a farm, which is perfectly fine, as long as her and her fiancé are happy.”
“However I looked the venue up online and it isn’t very friendly for people with disabilities, it’s in a very rocky place, muddy.”
“I went to a similar farm a few weeks ago and it was absolutely awful trying to move around.”
“I decided that I would rather attend the wedding through SKYPE.”
“It would be easier for everybody involved and I called my sister to ask if that was alright and she was upset because she wanted me to be there physically.”
“I explained everything but she accused me of just being lazy and not wanting to go out of my way, and I replied that if she really wanted me there, she wouldn’t be having her wedding on a f*cking farm.”
Before asking fellow redditors if he was in the wrong in this situation, the OP sought his girlfriend’s input.
“She was upset with me after that, and I spoke to my girlfriend about it, and she told me that I should’ve been a lot nicer since my sister is really stressed about her upcoming wedding and a lot more gentle with her.”
Fellow redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Fellow redditors were fairly divided on this particular thread, though the majority sympathized with the OP.
Several readers felt the OP shouldn’t have merely made judgements on the venue by visiting its website, and perhaps should have called and/or emailed the venue to inquire about accessibility issues.
“Did you only look at their website, or did you contact them directly with questions?”
“Websites often overlook being clear about accessibility issues, when the venue itself may be okay.”
“Things worth asking – is the entire venue wheelchair accessible (even if you don’t use a wheelchair, this often make more clear the level of access you need.)?”
“Are all paths paved?”
“Do wedding parties use the entire grounds, or just a special area?”
“I was at a similar farm a few weeks ago, with a friend who uses a power wheelchair.”
“Many parts were inaccessible, others would have been difficult with a less-rugged chair than hers (e.g., the apple picking) but the part that was built for use by wedding parties was fine – paved parking lot, paved path leading to the shelter used for weddings, banquet area right by the ceremony area, only involving a tiny part of the farm.”
“Tourist farms that set up as wedding venues are making a significant investment – sensible owners will pay attention to the ADA in their plans, if only to avoid a lawsuit for being inaccessible.”
“A little more research may bring good news, or else will give you more weight on your side of the scale – you didn’t just look it up, you contacted them, and there are specific obstacles.” –Jazzlike_Humor3340
“OK, fellow disabled guy here.”
“Mobility and balance issue for me.”
“OP, since you have MS perhaps you have similar issues?”
“First, before jumping to conclusions, call the owner of the venue to discuss your concerns.”
“Ask if perhaps they could send a few photos to help you assess your concerns.”
“Parking area to ceremony.”
“Ceremony to reception.”
“And bathroom access.”
“With that information perhaps all is well. Perhaps not.”
“Maybe something like renting an off road mobility scooter could address your needs (and they are NEEDS, not things that would be nice) adequately?”
“That said, don’t take unreasonable risks.”
“Falling and getting seriously hurt there would be no better way to steal the bride’s thunder, getting hauled off in an ambulance is no one’s idea of a special touch for her special day, right?” –que_he_hecho
The OP confessed he had only looked at the website before making his decision.
“I only looked at their website.”
“No, it’s all dirt trails and none of the ground has been paved.”
“To the best of my knowledge, the majority of the farm is available to the wedding party but I’m sure some areas are off access.”
This led some to come to the decision neither the OP or his sister were the a**hole in this situation, and with a little more work from both of them, a compromise could likely be made.
“Without knowing what your sisters actual options for venues are to get married in the time frame they want and at the budget they want I don’t think it’s fair to call her TA.”
“Wedding venues can be hard to find for the time frame you want to be married in.”
“You’re not TA either for not wanting to be uncomfortable for her whole wedding.”
“Before just deciding not to go you or your sister should call the venue to find out if there are any accommodations that can be made for your disability though.” – throw_away_800
Though some felt the OP was definitely not the a**hole in this situation, and his sister should have taken his disability into consideration.
“As a disabled person, lack of accessibility, and abled people’s refusal to even think about the fact that we can’t access things they take for granted, is exhausting.”
“Having that kind of thoughtless ableism come from your own immediate family, on the occasion of a major family event (i.e. having them worry more about aesthetics than whether you can actually physically access the wedding venue) is like a punch in the gut.”
“It’s like saying they really don’t even care if you’re there.”
“The fact that your sister would go so far as to call you lazy as though your limited mobility is somehow a choice, is downright gross.”
“I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this, and I don’t blame you for your resentment at all.” –FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Though the OP was the a**hole in the eyes of other redditors, who believed he was making rash assumptions, rather than expressing his concerns to his sister and family about his mobility at the venue.
“Kinda seems like you jumped the gun here when you haven’t even asked if there are ways to make it more accessible.”
“You went straight to being angry about her choice of venue without even considering that she probably didn’t realize that you would have trouble walking there and the first she’s hearing of it is you yelling at her to not have her wedding on a ‘f*cking farm.'”
“From what you’ve written it seems like you yourself didn’t know that farms are tricky for you until a few weeks ago so why would she know?”
“Being a jerk about it instead of offering actual suggestions or even just researching solutions yourself just makes you sound petty.”
“YTA”. – in35mm
One hopes the wedding is far enough away the OP and his sister might have time to sit and discuss possibilities around any accessibility issues.
As Redditors pointed out, there seems to be a path towards resolution, which hopefully this brother and sister can find, and thus allow them both to be present at the OP’s sister’s special day.