The rules of dating can be difficult to navigate.
Finding a compatible companion can be a delicate process.
This is especially true when chosen companions shared complicated histories with certain people.
Dating a person who is disliked by another family member or best friend can lead to more drama than love.
Redditor satrytanz found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his relationship with his brother, so he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
“AITAH for refusing to accept my brother’s apology for dating one of my bullies?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (19 M[ale]) used to have a good relationship with my brother (20 M), and we were in the same grade most of our lives.”
“He had to repeat second grade because of health stuff he had going on the first time.”
“We sometimes had the same teacher, and in high school we had some of the same classes too.”
“So he knew all about the kids who bullied me.”
“It started off with one guy, and then three of his friends got involved, so I had four kids bullying me.”
“Then by middle school, the first guy started going out with the new girl in school, and she joined in the bullying, and a friend she made joined after that.”
“The new girl was just like the first guy in that they were the two worst bullies and were kinda perfect for each other in that way.”
“They were together for a couple of years, and even after they broke up, they stayed friends so they could bully me.”
“It was in high school when my brother started going out with the new girl (obviously, she wasn’t new anymore).”
“They were supposed to keep it quiet, but she bragged about it to my brother, and I still stayed with her, and they dated until a few months ago.”
“My brother said they broke up because he saw her bully someone in college.”
“According to my sister (16), they actually broke up because she cheated.”
“He vented to her about it and then decided he would try to fix our relationship.”
“He apologized six times already, but I keep refusing to accept his apology.”
“I have so many reasons, too.”
“But even if he didn’t break up with ‘new girl’ because she cheated, or even if he broke up with her for bullying someone else, how is that not meant to be like the worst feeling for me?”
“Because it means he was fine with/could tolerate her bullying me for years, but another person was too far.”
“But that’s even a lie from him.”
“He knows I know about it, and he keeps saying our sister is wrong and he broke up with her over the bullying.”
“My parents want me to think about his apologies, and they want me to figure out what he can say or do for me to accept an apology and actually forgive him.”
“They think it’s time we got past all of this and repaired our relationship.”
“They told me he’s apologizing, which is more than a lot of people do, and they keep pointing out that he means it.”
“He said he’s willing to prove that he’s sorry, but I don’t buy that he can truly be sorry when he was dating her for years.”
“This wasn’t a few months or a year.”
“It was years.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“NTA, for all the reasons you gave.”
“Tell your parents that his lack of care for you lasted for years, and words do little to correct for that.”
“Proving that he has developed the personal qualities of empathy and compassion is required for forgiveness, and that will also take time and consistent action on his part.” ~ Ducking_Glory
“Sorry you’re having to go through this. NTA.”
“She bullied you and bragged about dating your brother.”
“Your brother didn’t care and continued to date her.”
“He made his decision and would have stayed with her had she not cheated.”
“He’s only trying to rekindle things with you since he doesn’t want to lose you and her.”
“That in itself is a betrayal that is very hard to come back from.” ~ Raider4-
“NTA. What people like your brother don’t understand is that his leaving you alone and not getting your parents involved would do more to prove he’s sorry than constantly bugging you about it.”
“His not respecting your opinion even now proves he doesn’t care and is only doing it for selfish reasons.” ~ Mmm_hummus
“NTA.”
“’I’ll do anything to make it up to you now.’”
“First, explain why you ignored the bullying to start dating her, much less continue?”
“What did she say about her bullying?”
“Why did you agree and accept that?”
“He probably doesn’t have answers to those questions, but hopefully it might help him see the magnitude of his actions.”
“His actions have consequences.”
“A ruined brotherly relationship is the outcome.” ~ ringslingleader
“NTA. An apology doesn’t just make everything better.”
“Sometimes the hurt is so deep that words don’t even reach it.”
“Sure, what someone says is important, but what they do matters even more.”
“If a person stood by and let bullying happen for years, no apology can erase that.”
“Saying sorry isn’t enough, not ever.”
“There’s a story I read about a preschool teacher who gave her students sheets of paper and told them to mess them up: crumple, stomp, scribble, tear, whatever they wanted.”
“When they finished, she asked them to smooth the papers out and try to make them look new again.”
“Of course, none of the kids could do it.”
“The wrinkles and marks were there to stay.”
“She told them to apologize to the paper, then asked if that fixed anything.”
“Every child said no.”
“The damage was still there.”
“She explained that people are like that, too.”
“Once you hurt someone, you can apologize a thousand times, but the scars don’t just disappear.”
“What you do has consequences, and saying sorry can’t undo the hurt.”
“OP, your pain is valid.”
“You don’t owe anyone forgiveness just because they finally said what you wanted to hear.”
“Your brother and your parents have to accept the reality.”
“Your brother broke something, and no matter what happens now, it won’t go back to how it was.”
“If your brother keeps saying sorry but doesn’t actually change, he’s not making things right; that’s just manipulation.”
“He needs to truly admit what he did, take responsibility, and realize he broke your trust.”
“Maybe things can get better someday, but they’ll never be perfect again.”
“And if they are pressuring you to forgive when he isn’t even trying to do better, that’s not going to solve anything.” ~ Alkuna
“He can’t prove he’s sorry because he didn’t finish the relationship for you, so apologizing meaningfully through actions is no longer available to him.”
“All he has left is lip service.”
“It seems a shame that your parents’ dedication to repairing your relationship didn’t happen at a more appropriate time.”
“Just say no to their requests and ask where they were hiding their concern when it was you being hurt rather than your brother.” ~ notAugustbutordinary
“NTA. A few words in the present can’t make up for years of condoning abuse in the past.” ~ cinekat
“NTA Just because he’s your brother is not a reason to accept an apology when you know he is lying about the reason he broke up.”
“Either he’s trying to apologize because of your parents, or he’s regretting his bad decisions and is feeling guilty, and he wants you to resolve his guilt.” ~ SubstantialShop1538
“NTA, you need to be very clear.”
“There is no coming back from this.”
“He made his choices and can live with them. I could never trust him again.”
“How can you let a woman hurt your brother and still love her?”
“I’m pretty sure your parents don’t talk to all their family, so use it and ask them why they are not forgiving them?”
“Tell them to stop wasting their time and yours.”
“You won’t forget or forgive.”
“End of the discussion.” ~ SummerTimeRedSea
“NTAH. Tell your parents he needs to make it up to you for at least the same length of time he actively chose to betray you and be in a relationship with her, if not double.”
“Then you’ll believe his apology is sincere!” ~ NagaApi8888
“NTAH. He showed you exactly who he is.”
“He’s certainly not someone you can put your faith in/believe in based on his past history.”
“You can trust him about as far as Mufasa could trust Scar. “
“That guy will 100% betray you again if he’s faced with that decision… don’t give him a chance to do so.”
“Just keep your boundaries and go have an amazing life.”
“You certainly deserve it.” ~ Jovon35
“He apologized after the breakup?”
“This meant that while they were still together, he was complacent in your mistreatment.”
“He only became apologetic because up until then, he figured that as long as he was getting something, you didn’t really matter.”
“Now he doesn’t have the girl, and he’s trying to salvage something he was callous enough to throw away for a fling. NTA.” ~ SegaNeptune28
“NTA. What you went through was constant abuse.”
“Not only from her, but also from your brother choosing to look the other way and stay with someone who hurt you for years.”
“That’s not a small mistake; that’s a repeated choice.”
“You’re not obligated to accept an apology just because it exists.”
“Forgiveness doesn’t erase harm, especially when the harm was ongoing and involved betrayal from someone who was supposed to protect you.”
“You’re allowed to set boundaries and take the time you need, or never accept it at all.” ~ flowersofcherryy
Reddit is 100% with you, OP.
Your brother’s betrayal cut deep.
It would be a shame to lose your relationship with your brother over this ‘new girl’ who doesn’t deserve the attention.
But you’re allowed to process your feelings how you process them.
Take your time, you’ll know what to do.