Choosing a wedding date can be a daunting decision to make, but the reality is, you can’t always accommodate everyone on the intended guest list.
This is exactly what a bride-to-be faced when she announced the official day of nuptials and there was no turning back.
When a confrontation with a family member led to major drama, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor AdditionalHost9466 asked:
“AITA for not planning my wedding around my stepsister’s busy schedule?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancée (26 f[female]) and I (29 m[ale]) are planning our wedding and we set the date not too long ago.”
“My mom reached out after learning the date and all panicked told me that my stepsister (27 f[female]) couldn’t make it and I should call her up and check different dates to find when would work better.”
“I told her that wasn’t happening and our date is the date we’ve chosen, if my stepsister can’t make it then the world won’t end. My mom was taken aback by my response.”
“She asked me how I could say that. She told me a sibling or any immediate family member missing a wedding is a big deal.”
The OP continued describing the origin of the family dynamic.
“For background info: My dad died when I was 6 and my brother was 5. When I was 8 our mom told us she had a boyfriend and when I was 10 she remarried. Her husband had my stepsister with his ex-wife and they shared custody.”
“Our plans once mom remarried revolved around my stepsister. Christmas every other year was celebrated at a different time because she was with her mom and not us.”
“Family parties were missed if she wasn’t around because mom was pissed at anyone in the extended family who didn’t make sure my stepsister could be there.”
“She would tell my brother and me we should wait to do something for our stepsister to be there OR she insisted on it and refused to let us go without her. We resented it. And we did speak up but mom said immediate family needed to be there for Christmas, for example.”
“I told her she wasn’t my immediate family so I didn’t need to wait. Mom also resented the fact we weren’t with her every other Christmas Eve because we’d be with our paternal family (court ordered time our grandparents won). She never made everything stop for us though.”
“She’d just tell us we could choose to be with the family vs going with ‘other people’ (meaning our family). Over time it got worse with her saying ‘why did you see x movie without stepsister, why go to the arcade event weekend one and not wait for weekend too so she can join’ “. It was insanity.”
“It really did a lot of harm to our relationship with mom. Neither of us wanted or needed our stepsister included to enjoy it. Neither of us wanted to be forced to plan stuff around her. We had no choice.”
The OP went on to discuss the current situation.
“That’s not how things are anymore. Which mom was shocked I was putting my foot down so strongly about it.”
“She mentioned the immediate family/sibling thing and I told her I have never once considered my stepsister my sibling or my immediate family and I will no longer plan things around her because her attendance is not essential to me.”
“My mom started freaking out on the phone and saying it would really hurt her stepdaughter and husband’s feelings to hear this and how she wanted us all to be together for something as big as a wedding.”
“She told me she’d pay the difference for a different day and I said no. I told her my days of catering to my stepsister’s schedule are over. Mom went nuts on the phone. I ended the call and I’m dodging her calls and texts now because she’s mad.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“You’ve made your position clear.”
“You don’t consider your stepsister as part of your immediate family. Her attendance is not essential to you. Ergo, you shouldn’t change the date of your wedding to accommodate her.”
“Your mother will just have to respect that. Otherwise, she’ll just be admitting that her stepdaughter’s feelings are more important than yours about, you know, your own wedding.” – charmer143
“It seems pretty clear from the post that, like many people we read about here, the mom got so caught up in forcing her One Big Happy Family/ Brady Bunch fantasy that she actually did more harm than good.”
“To me it’s not about losing empathy as a parent, it’s just a little bit of delusion – a well-intended but vicious cycle. Mom never realized that the harder she pushed the step-sister’s inclusion the worse she made it.”
“Of course, she noticed it not getting better/ getting worse, which only made her more anxious about it, so it made her push harder. And now, here we are possibly beyond repair.” – Aristol727
“It seems to have started off that way. However, she absolutely showed a clear lack of empathy towards her children!”
“They pointed out not only the blatant favoritism but also the lack of respect for their individual lives. She continues it to this day with the added audacity of demanding OP change his wedding date to accommodate his step-sisters’ needs. Something that should not have been asked of OP in the first place but also not only his decision.”
“So, now rather she intends to or not, she’s roping OP’s fiancée into her bs. She is showing exactly 0 zero empathy towards her son in this situation. From the sound of it, she lacked empathy towards her children whenever step-sisters’ ‘needs’ have been involved from the beginning!” – phoenix_chaotica
“It sounds like her Mom resented the fact that the paternal grandparents got visitation rights. I’m shocked that she didn’t force her stepsister to go with them to the grandparents’ house, too. Mom is an AH.”
“Stick with your plans, and don’t play into your Mom’s fantasies of forcing your stepsister on you. If she can’t attend, so be it.” –Illustrious-Humor-16
“Hi OP, it is ironic how your mother puts the feelings of the person, who has both of their bio parents in their lives, over that of her own children, who lost their father. Her behaviour is disgraceful.”
“It is nice she wanted SD to feel included, but she’s gone about things in an appalling way. Stand firm on this, as you have been forced to live your life around this person – it is about time she makes an effort and allows herself to be inconvenienced, even if it is just once.” – Aggressive-Peace-698
“I would write her a text saying.”
‘You have made it perfectly clear since you remarried, that my feelings and that of my brother come secondary to those of your stepdaughter. We were beholden to your whims then because we lived with you. This is no longer the case and I have no compunction to continue to have my timetable revolve around someone I have never considered family.’
‘Had you not pushed this at every turn, a relationship may have developed, but since you made it so uncomfortable for us as children, we have grown to resent our treatment.’
‘If you insist on trying to change my mind on this through your misguided anger, I will be forced to reconsider your invitation, as I will not be made to feel guilty for putting myself first on MY wedding day.’
‘I hope you can see how your handling of this situation has impacted us all, but if you can’t, I will miss you on my wedding day.’
“Then leave it at that. The ball is in her court.” – freckles-101
“NTA. Any decision made about a wedding should be up to the people planning that wedding and about those people. You absolutely know that if your stepsister was planning a wedding and you couldn’t attend that your mom would insist you put that other event aside.”
“I’m so sorry this is how your mom continually treated you and your brother. You are important OP. You matter!” – swoopingturtle
“You’re NTA. Your mom has made her position clear: for 19 years she has tried to curry favor with her stepdaughter by prioritizing her over you and your brother.”
“Now you have made your position clear: you will live your own life without revolving events around the convenience of your stepsister.”
“Good for you.” – Dittoheadforever
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole, and they supported her by assuring she mattered despite her mother’s favoritism.
As a bride-to-be, Redditors continued expressing she did not deserve to be going through additional stress as the wedding date gets closer.
Hopefully, tensions will cease and the mother will come to the realization that she was being unreasonable with her demand and that it was taking a negative emotional toll on her child.