Holidays can bring a lot of joy.
And an equal measure of anxiety.
One sticking point for many families with young children is where to spend their time. Do they stay home or go to visit their parents?
A girlfriend tired of last-minute cancellations by her boyfriend’s mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question.
Aggressive_Cup_1393 asked:
“WIBTA for visiting my mom for Christmas instead osumother-in-law (MIL), after MIL cancelled on us 2 years in a rows even though she has bad health issues?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve never posted before so I hope this makes sense and isn’t too long. Me (38, female) and boyfriend (36, male) have two kids (4, male and 1, female). We’ve been together for 8 years.”
“Our families don’t really live close to us. My mom lives a 10-12 hour drive from us, his dad/my father-in-law (FIL) lives an 8-9 drive from us (4-6 hours from my mom), and his mom (MIL) lives a 4-6 hour drive from us.”
“His stepdad lives about an hour from us, but we don’t see him super often as he has a lot of health issues and is busy with doctors.”
“In the four years since our son was born, we did Christmas at home, then at my mom’s house, and then two years in a row we organized our entire grandparent visiting schedule around planning to see his mom for Christmas.”
“Each year, she cancelled at the last minute. I LOVE Christmas and was very upset, and yes, I was an idiot to agree to it again after the first year.”
“We ended up having a super low-key lunch with his stepdad both years, which was fine, but still. Also, please note, the second cancelled year was when we had a 2-month-old baby, whom she hadn’t yet met.”
“Both of those years, we visited later in January, I think, and both years it was underwhelming. She is a part time carer for her dad.”
“I think he’s the reason for the second cancelled year? Nobody else could take care of him, I guess?”
“And often when we visit, she’s gone most of the day. We had plans to do a proper belated celebration with nice dinner and presents, but it never happened.”
“This year, I am insisting we visit my mom for Christmas and his mom for Thanksgiving, which is two days after our son’s birthday, so it could be a special combo celebration.”
“Another factor is that my mom can’t host us for a Thanksgiving trip, or really any time until later in December. Her partner is currently recovering from major surgery, is sofa-bound essentially, and has to use a wheelchair, and isn’t really up for company while he’s recovering.”
“My boyfriend told her, and she requested we switch, so she could have us and sister-in-law (SIL) all together. SIL lives with her, but does Thanksgiving at FIL’s house every year.”
“I do not want to do it, and when I told him, he got very disappointed, saying his mom will be really upset and that he’s worried about her health, and what if it’s the last chance to have Christmas with her.”
“She DOES have a lot of health issues (Crohns, autoimmune stuff, thyroid removed, not sure what else), and he says she downplays it, but when he Googles stuff she has told him, all the results are alarming and I guess leading him to feel this intense worry.”
“Am I the a**hole for not wanting to go and for insisting we see my mom?”
“I am a huge pushover by nature when it comes to this kind of thing and also have a very hard time being able to tell when my choices/thoughts are fair and justified or out of line and a**hole-ish.”
The OP later added:
“Why did she cancel each year? So last year, I think the main reason was she couldn’t get time away from caring for her dad. Her dad has multiple carers, including someone who is an actual professional, but he treats MIL like a default option.”
“The other carers had vacations booked, and MIL didn’t think she’d have time for us. The previous year, I actually can’t recall exactly. I remember she said it ‘wasn’t a good time,’ and it might have included her and SIL (they live together) both having some minor injuries that limited mobility.”
“She has actually last-minute cancelled many trips, so they are starting to blur together I’m realizing (including one memorable summer occasion where we called to say ‘hey, we are about to pack up the car and drive to you, should we bring bathing suits?’ and she said ‘oh, didn’t I tell you? It would be best if you come next month.”
“Ultimately, my mental calculus was divorced from the reason for each cancellation, just focusing on the fact that the cancellations exist and she’s not super reliable—perhaps understandably. But still!”
“Why can’t we just stay home and tell everyone to come to us? We live in a small townhouse, and nobody involved except my mom would be willing to sleep on an air mattress crammed into my office. The logistics with all the family members also wouldn’t really work out with everyone being able to travel.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I refuse to visit my boyfriend’s mom for Christmas even though she’s in poor health, and he thinks it’s unfair for me to choose my mom.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Twice now you have been let down by her at a time of year you treasure greatly.”
“Your two actual disappointments beat your partner’s one future disappointment.”
“Anyway, it’s not even that his mother *can’t do Thanksgiving, it’s that she wants it done her way again, and who’s to say she won’t cancel again?”
“Meanwhile, you haven’t had Christmas with your own mother for several years. It’s time you did so.” ~ Ma-Hu
“So wait, his mother wants to overrule your mother’s needs?”
“Ask him how he will feel putting strain and stress on your mother and if he is willing to apologise and tell her it was all for nothing when his mother cancels Christmas AGAIN.”
“Ask him if he is willing to ruin your household’s family Christmas AGAIN for the third year in a row. Explain that your kids are young now, they won’t remember, but the pictures that are taken will show that once again, family is missing because his mother cancelled AGAIN.”
“It’s time he accepts that his mother is unreliable and needs to relegate her to a smaller holiday.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“You choose to alternate who you plan Christmas with in order to keep things fair. She cancelled the year you planned with her (and the next one); it’s not her turn anymore. She needs to wait until it is her turn again.” ~ booch
“I think another important thing is that you didn’t just say no. You offered something and she declined/requested a different accommodation. Seeing you at all should be more important than seeing you together with SIL.” ~ Organic_Razzmatazz72
“First of all, tell him to stop Googling medical stuff. Of course, it will seem alarming. But that doesn’t mean it actually is.”
“Second of all, Thanksgiving with MIL and Christmas with your family seems like a fine compromise on its own. Throw in that she has had to cancel last-minute the last two years, I likely wouldn’t plan to attend an event she hosts again.”
“And husband saying ‘this could be her last Christmas’ is meaningless. It could also be her last Thanksgiving, by that logic. Better get in for the closer one.”
“Overall, NTA. You can FaceTime MIL and celebrate on a different day. It’s unfair to have to cancel Christmas two years in a row. No reason to risk cancelling a third. Your children deserve a stress-free Christmas that doesn’t come with a last-minute change of plans.” ~ Sami_George
The OP provided an update:
“First of all thank you so much to everyone who commented. I came here to just vent and see if maybe someone could tell me if I was out of line, and y’all went above and beyond.”
“I wanted the full spectrum of interpretations and opinions, since taking all that in and then making a decision/assessment of things is my preferred way of operating, and I sure got what I wanted!”
“Even those comments that called me a heartless jerk, I value that because it’s a potential way my thoughts and actions could be viewed, so it’s something valuable for me to keep in mind.”
“I realized I had been harboring a lot of negative thinking and resentment towards MIL and that whole branch of the family, and it was making the entire situation very fraught in my mind, so any concession felt irritating and unfair.”
“Reading through all the comments that delved into her possible POV kind of exorcised my resentment and bad feelings and I feel a lot more charitable towards her. Many, many people also said incredibly validating things and made me feel more secure in my thinking.”
“Good news! To those of you who suggested a New Year’s Eve trip to MIL, THANK YOU! I proposed doing MIL’s house for Thanksgiving/toddler birthday, my mom for Christmas, and then MIL for NYE, and it went over with zero fuss or pushback.”
“Yes, it’s a lot of travel, yes, I’m going to be stressed about it, yes, the kids will probably be fed up with being in the car. But it’s just one year, and time with family is worth it.”
“So thank you all so much!”
It sounds like the OP found the best solution for everyone.
Hopefully, they have a happy holiday season.