Conforming to the image expectations of a partner's high-powered career can be a lot to ask. For one woman on Reddit, it felt like she was being asked to transform into a completely different person each time she accompanied her boyfriend to a work function. So, she asked him to pay her.
She wasn't sure about how she'd handled things, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the name whatthehexko on the site, asked:
"AITA for telling my boyfriend that if he wants me to dress and present a certain way, he needs to pay for my clothes and hair and nails and time?"
OP explained:
"I'm a woman in a career feild which really doesn't care about appearances."
"My boyfriend is in a job where looks matter more, investment banking. He wears suits and has to present himself as more wealthy to look good at work."
"My boyfriend wanted me to come to some work events, dinners or happy hours."
"But he said that it was something we'd need to dress up for. I offered to wear some nice dresses I have and he said that it was more than that, his coworkers wives and girlfriends wore designer and had professionally done hair and nails. And that it really was just what was needed to succeed in his workplace so he considered it a professional expense."
"I said that made sense for himself but I'm not responsible for his professional expenses"
"He agreed to pay for the clothes and salon appointments and I also asked him to compensate me for my time getting 'presentable' for those events. Additionally, if he wanted me to act a certain way during these events which was different than my usual behavior at a social event, it should be treated like work, I'd expect to be paid for my time."
"He thought that was unfair, saying that it was weird to charge my boyfriend to attend an event with him. I said that if I'm not attending as myself, but instead presenting an image for business development purposes, that's not socializing, that's labor."
"He agreed to that at the end, and we came up with a list of things I'd need to attend an event with him... Designer dress, designer heels, jewelry, hair done, nails done, makeup done, handbag... He picked out the dress heels and bag, and he asked me to find salons to have my hair, nails, and makeup done."
"When I told him how much the cosmetics appointments and the time I spent on them cost he was upset it was $700. And adding that to the clothes he bought and the time we'd be at the event, it was coming to almost $2000."
"We went and I played the part, it was uneventful. Nobody paid me much attention. Felt like a bit of a waste but whatevs."
"But afterwards when I mentioned that I wanted to borrow his card to make an appointment to get the nails removed, since I needed them filed down by a professional before work, he got frustrated with me. Saying that I was milking him for money and I was only with him for money. I told him that I make the same as he does."
"He got pissed and said that most girls know how to dress themselves and do their own makeup nice, and I got so frustrated I said sarcastically 'go date most girls then, I'm sure 'most girls' would looove being treated like a human dressup doll!'"
"He got really mad about that and I feel frustrated too, like he expects me to do sh*t unpaid for his work! Like I would never ask him to do sh*t for my job, let alone do my job unpaid!"
"AITA for wanting to be paid if my labor was going towards my boyfriends career?"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And for them, what this question spoke to more than anything was OP and her boyfriend's incompatibility.
"Me: what did I just read?"
"How old are these people? How shallow is the bf and his place of employment?"
"This is just bizarre. Everyone's entitled to their own styles. Why is OP with someone who is ashamed of who she is?" --SoftsSecs
"Seconding this. Like why stay with someone who wants you to perform a different identity? What keeps you both together? Are you actually happy in this relationship? Why not date someone who is on the same career and social trajectory as yourself?" --Coconosong
"...I never say this, and it's kind of a trope here, but sh*t, break up with him, OP. It's never going to be enough, even if he managed to get some small amount of clarity, he's just not worth YOU changing, especially if he wouldn't."
"NTA" --arrjay
"As I was reading OPs post I was literally wondering why they are even together. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal and my ex wanted me in short skirts and high heels. Needless to say I didn't appreciate having to be totally uncomfortable just to go to social events with him. I kinda wish I thought about getting paid for it though. Lol" --FollowingNo4648
"NTA, but I also can't imagine seeing doing a favor for someone I love as THIS transactional (I also can't imagine my SO asking me to act differently either though). I totally understand asking him to pay for professional hair and nails, especially if you consistently need to do this, but I paying you for the time? I wouldn't pay my SO for the time to get a suit picked out, sized, and tailored- I'd absolutely pay for the suit though."
"It does seem like he's putting pressure on you to be different and this is kinda your way of pushing back. If you're this uncomfortable doing him a favor (donating your time) and he is this uncomfortable with you being who you are, you probably shouldn't be together." --beingsydneycarton
"NTA. The only issue I see with your behavior is you aren't just dumping the guy. He's desperate to turn you into some Barbie-fied image of what he thinks his girlfriend should be to impress his bro-ey a**hole coworkers. He's insecure and controlling and whiny, and you seem pretty bada** and like you can do a whole lot better." --TemporaryBadger
After reading her fellow Redditors' responses, OP came back to add more information.
"Edit because there are a lot of questions about why I thought it was justified to ask for compensation for my time..."
"The hair and makeup and nails and tailoring appointments took about 10 hours. I had to take a full day off work, and since I am a consultant who bills hourly I was losing a day's wages to perform tasks my boyfriend wanted to benefit his career. If I ever asked my boyfriend to lose wages at his job to perform tasks for my job, I'd think it would be fair to pay him for his work too."
"I'm always happy to attend social events and be polite, friendly, and talk to people and get to know them. For free. But this wasn't what he was asking of me, he wanted me to act. To not speak of my actual hobbies or career and to give the impression that I am a stay at home partner."
"To claim to ski... I have no idea how to ski! To only order 'classy' drinks and none of the drinks I actually drink. That doesn't strike me as going to an event as a partner, that strikes me as going to an event as an actress or performer. Which is a whole job!"
"Edit 2"
"I also find it very strange how feminine labor is undervalued. He said that he needed me to do something for him to support his career because his bosses expect it of me."
"If this was any other kinda work, it would be absurd to do it unpaid. Like if he said 'Hey my boss needs a truck loaded, and everyone knows that's what the girlfriends do... Can you come by and load the truck? Also you'll need to bring your own forklift' ABSURD!"
"If he asked me 'Hey, my boss heard you're an engineering consultant and wants you to evaluate this software architecture... And he expects it for free because that's what girlfriends are for!' That's absurd! I'd be sending my rates."
"So why is it acceptable to say 'Hey, my workplace expects me to bring a woman to play a very specific role, you will need to do 10 hours of preparation tasks for free for the benefit of my career. And you should cover the cost of parts and labor?' I wish that was considered equally absurd... But it's almost like women's work and hospitality is an undervalued form of labor??? Hmm."
Hopefully OP and her boyfriend can find a way to work around this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.