I inherited my Mother's thick, curly Haudenosaunee/Metís hair. I learned years ago it's going to do whatever it wants.
Maintenance and styling involve washing and combing. It's not worth my time to fight with it.
But some people require a flawless appearance before they go out in public.
A fed up fiancé turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Exhausted-fiance asked:
"AITA for letting my fiancée sit in the car for 2 hrs while I ate dinner because she was complaining about her hair?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My friend invited me (40, male) and my fiancée (36, female) out for dinner along with another couple. So I asked my fiancée and she said yes we should go."
"My friend made the reservation at a restaurant closer to us so we would not have to drive too far, even though it ended up being a much further drive for him and the other couple."
"The day of the dinner, she wasn't feeling great so I told her we didn't have to go and I could cancel, but she insisted we go, so I did not cancel. So it came time to leave for dinner and my fiancée was struggling with her hair and asked if she could wear a hat."
The OP later inserted:
"I need to clarify the point about her 'asking' as several comments have been asked about this particular point."
"She doesn't have to ask me permission for anything. She is her own person, and I totally respect her choices."
"I typically defer to her opinion and do what she wants, so it didn't make much sense she asked me if she could instead of just asking my opinion. After the fact, it almost felt like it was a setup."
Continuing OP's original post, he stated:
"Normally I am completely against wearing hats inside a restaurant because I was raised to believe that hats at the dinner table are disrespectful."
"But this place was kind of causal, and I really didn't want to deal with waiting around an extra hour for her to do her hair and make us late, so I said yes to help move things along."
"We drive to the restaurant, arrive just in time and walk up to the door and see the sign that reads: 'no hats allowed in the dining room'. I laugh to myself and think it's no big deal, so we head back to the car so she can fix her hair."
"We get in the car and she starts having a meltdown saying her hair looks like crap and she needs to fix it."
The OP also edited the original post to add:
"Because this specific question was asked a lot—she has long, curly brown hair, not frizzy, but curls can be tough to control at times."
"No hair issues with thinning. She has a healthy head of hair. Thick, curly, long. Usually she styles it with a light curl."
In the original post, OP continued:
"Her hair really looked just fine, but I stayed quiet at this point because I'm beyond frustrated that she's acting like a child."
"After 5 minutes of her trying to fix her hair, she is getting really upset with me. Based on my experience with her, it seems more like vanity."
"She likes to be looked at and tends to think that everyone is paying attention to her, or should be paying attention to her."
"I really feel like it was a power move on her part. A ponytail or bun would have been fine."
"Meanwhile, we're late, and my friend has already seen us in the parking lot. I tell her that at this point, I have to go inside, and she says fine, just go, and she will stay in the car."
"I go in, explain that she is 'not feeling well', but I tell them she may join us shortly. So we go on to order drinks. She never shows up so I order her a bottle of water and bring it to her to make sure she's OK."
"She seems fine, so I asked her what she wanted to do. She doesn't really respond, so I say OK, I'm going back into order dinner. I ask her if she wants me to bring her anything, and she says no."
"I did offer her that I would take an Uber—she drove—and also offered just to leave and go home but she said no to both."
"Several drinks and a really good dinner later, about an hour and a half has passed. I tell my friends I have to go even though I really didn't want to at this point because I was really upset my fiancée had completely let me down because she was worried about her hair."
"I get back to the car and can see that she is enraged. She says that she is humiliated and that I would just leave her there. She also can't believe that I didn't help her with her hair and tell her it looked great."
"At this point, I tell her she is acting like a child and needs to grow up. I proceeded to explain that she was the one at fault and she had the choice to go into the restaurant or just go home, and I would have taken an Uber."
"Several days later, and she is still upset with me. I think she should get over it."
"Help me out here. Should I tell her she was right or hold my ground."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I let my fiancée sit in the car for two hours while I ate dinner. This might make me the a**hole because I could have demanded we cancel the dinner and insisted I take her home instead of just offering."
"I'm guessing that's what she wanted since she refused when I suggested it, but is mad now because I did what she said."
"I definitely could have done a better job of being more supportive. I totally understand that and there was some immaturity on my part by not stepping up more aggressively."
"It's not a good excuse, but I was just really tired of this type of behavior and somewhat selfishly focused on myself this time since I looked forward to this dinner."
"I could have showered her with nice compliments like usual—I literally talk her up all the time—but I was just tired and a little distracted, anxious to not keep everyone waiting."
"It's not uncommon for her to make us late or cause an incident when we eventually arrive, but this one was a bit much and she made me question my own sanity by throwing it back on me."
"I certainly could have been more supportive, but still, it was just super odd and confusing to me to see such a reaction from her over choices she made."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She basically said screw everyone's plans because her hair wasn't perfect. She's either extremely vain, or extremely insecure (or some combination of the two). Either way, she's immature and selfish."
"She could have called an Uber home. I'm guessing she sat in the car just so she could play victim."
"You went above and beyond by catering to her immaturity and bringing her water / checking in."
"She turned what could have been a nice dinner out into an argument because of HAIR." ~ Fast-Bag-36842
"NTA. What a silly reason for staying in the car."
"You take off the hat, fluff up your hair, go in, and if you feel the need to mention it, apologize for your hair looking a mess and make a joke, and then you just carry on with the evening. She was behaving childishly." ~ Own_Lack_4526
"NTA. A grown woman had a 2-hour temper tantrum, and chose to pout in the car because her hair wasn't perfect‽ Were you aware that she was like this before you got engaged‽‽" ~ KrofftSurvivor
"NTA. She was given multiple chances and multiple options yet she chose to sit in the car and sulk like a bratty child and then get mad at you for the choices she made."
"Even at the point she opted to not go in, she could have chosen to Uber home or even take the car and come back for you later or asked you to Uber home."
"This grown-a**ed woman (based on age, not maturity level) literally chose to act like the most entitled, immature, bratty baby in existence. Is this a one off or is she this unpleasant often?" ~ ProfPlumDidIt
Life is full of choices.
The OP chose to do what his fiancée said—not cancel dinner, not go home, and not take an Uber after eating. His fiancée chose to sit in the car.
If it wasn't what she wanted to do, she has no one to blame for her decisions but herself.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.