Money is the root cause cited for the majority of divorces, so having a partner who is good at financial management should be a plus.
But what if one partner wants the other to be more generous with family than they’re willing to be?
A man whose fiancée has asked him to give a large sum of money to her parents turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Gullible-Display4533 asked:
“AITAH for refusing to pay off my pregnant fiancee’s parents’ mortgage, when they are under the threat of foreclosure, when I could “easily’ afford to do so?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“About two years ago, I (31, male) met my fiancée (26, female). We have a baby on the way. The due date is in May. I also have a ten-year-old son from a previous relationship.”
“I am a professional musician. My band has a sizable local/regional following. I also privately teach different instruments to mostly children and do music production for some significantly bigger musicians/bands.”
“About three weeks ago, my fiancée got a call from her mother. My fiancée is the oldest of three and her younger siblings are in college.”
“Her mom informed her that they received a letter that the ‘acceleration clause’ was being invoked on their mortgage due to months of non-payment and that if they do not pay it off by late February, the house would be foreclosed on.”
“The house had belonged to my fiancée’s grandmother before it was inherited by my fiancée’s parents about 15 years ago when her grandmother died. The house was paid off, but they took out a mortgage on it because they needed the money.”
“My fiancée lived in the house since she was two years old. My fiancée has asked me to use my savings to pay off the house. It would be about 15% of my savings to do so.”
“I have a sizeable amount of savings. Despite my parents not wanting me to go into music, or at least wait until I graduated college, I went into the music industry full-time from the time I graduated high school.”
“It has largely worked out for me. But, knowing the ebbs and flows of the industry, and especially with having a kid so young, I have been very vigilant about savings.”
“Having a substantial savings account is important to me given my kids (have one, have one on the way, and want to potentially have a third) because I want to be able to pay for college and help them buy a house (things my parents could not dream of doing).”
“Also, you never know when times are going to be lean as a musician. This is why I am hesitant to want to pay off their mortgage. Additionally, I am concerned about setting the precedent that I bail out the family.”
“My fiancée is quite upset about the whole situation. She says we would not be hurting at all if I pay it off and I have no reason to think that I will not continue to make the amount of money I have made in the last couple of years.”
“If anything, there is a good chance it will go up. She sees it as I could ‘easily’ pay it, but I am refusing to do so.”
“I see it as protecting our long-term financial stability. If a foreclosure happens, her parents will get the equity they have in the house and be able to afford a different place.”
“While I know she is emotionally attached to that particular house, I do not think it is wise to sacrifice our financial stability for that reason alone. Her parents need to be in a place that they can afford.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“I feel I need to clarify some things based on the comments.”
“1. I have zero interest in owning even a portion of this house. First, it is an old home that in my two years of knowing my in-laws is in a constant state of needing repairs.”
“Second, the HOA is the ‘HOA from hell’ (my in-laws’ words). They fine people for the smallest things and are incredibly restrictive. My fiancée tried to convince me to buy in her parents’ neighborhood when I was looking at houses a year ago. I refused.”
“2. Even if I wanted to buy the house, buying the house for fair market value would be about 80% of my savings. I am not tying that much of my money in a single house.”
“3. I do not know all the details of my in-laws’ financial situation. What I do know is that they own a couple of restaurants and they were struggling when they took out the mortgage.”
“4. In the last couple of weeks I have learned that the letter was not the first issue with the bank. They have been having issues with consistly paying the mortgage for some years now.”
“They have done mortgage modifications and the like. But, the bank is fed up because my in-laws have been non-paying and non-responsive for five months.”
“I absolutely love my partner. But, I would not do this for my own parents. Not because I do not love them, but because this is not a wise use of financial resources.”
“If the situation was homelessness or I pay, then that would be different. But, they have a huge amount of equity they can cash in and get a place they can afford.”
“They are asking me to pay it off in full. They have been having issues with paying for the last 4 years where they will often go multiple months without paying, only paying a portion, etc…”
“In other words, this has been going on for years.”
“Three weeks ago was the first time my fiancée or I was made aware of an issue because the bank is now fed up after multiple attempts to work with them. They have not paid anything for I believe 5 months at this point.”
“I have to think about my kids, my partner, and our long-term financial future. I have no degree and no guarantee of if (or how long) I am going to be making the type of money I am making now.”
“I am easily going to spend much more than 50% of my current wealth raising the kid over the next 18 years regardless. Kids are hella expensive which is a big reason I do not want to do what she is asking.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to bail out his future in-laws (NTA).
“It sounds like these people are really bad at managing money. They had a paid off house, and chose to take out a mortgage on it. And they’ve been unable to keep up with that mortgage for years.”
“NTA. Do not bail them out. You need to prioritize your future and your kids’ futures.” ~ No-Stress-7034
“I’ve worked in banking and investment management for almost 40 years. Some of that time was spent in mortgage lending. My son is also in the music business so I know first (or second) hand the ups and downs of unstable cash flow in that line of work.”
“Do we all remember the events of 2020-2021 during the pandemic when the entertainment industry was brought to its knees? I’m very impressed that after all of that you can sit here today and have a sizeable savings just four years later!”
“BUT… if you use it now to bail out your child’s grandparents, how do you provide food, formula, diapers, and shelter for YOUR family if the world finds itself in another pandemic? That’s the first consideration. Your children rely on you for that—not the other way around.”
“Unless there has been an extended illness, job loss through no fault of their own, or some other extenuating circumstance, grandma & grandpa are old enough to know how they got here and what they need to do to fix it. And relying on their children for a hand out is not the solution.”
“As a banker, let me tell you how this will go. Even if you pay off the note and obtain title to the property, there is likely to be, as others have mentioned, back taxes (however the lender may have paid that so they wouldn’t lose their rights to the property through a tax sale).”
“In my experience, people who default on their mortgage do that after they’ve stopped paying everything else first. There’s a good chance maintenance hasn’t been addressed in years. They probably have thousands of dollars in credit card debt, car loans, etc…”
“If you put money into this, don’t expect to ever see it paid back. They will not pay you back for a loan. They will not pay you rent. And they will not pay for insurance, upkeep, and taxes.”
“And sooner or later, they will come looking for another handout for the next pickle they find themselves in.”
“Take your fiancée to a meeting with an attorney or financial planner and let her hear it from them what a terrible idea this would be for everyone.” ~ Muted_Yellow_1640
“NTA. These folks had a paid-off house. They mortgaged it to spend money they didn’t have. Then, they didn’t pay the mortgage.”
“You absolutely shouldn’t spend your money (not ‘our’ money, as your fiancée says) to fix this. You don’t want to create the expectation that you will be their ATM.”
“Your fiancée and her family can work together to figure this out.”
“You should consider getting a prenup. If your fiancée handles money in a similar manner to her parents, you might be better off maintaining separate finances.” ~ teresajs
“Who’s to say that once OP pays off their mortgage, they won’t mismanage their money again and ask OP for a loan or more gifted money?” ~ Beach_Girl65
“NTA. You aren’t their ‘break glass in emergency’ when things get bad.” ~ Efficient_Most439
No one thought the OP bailing out his fiancée’s parents was a good idea.
She might not like that answer, but in the end, it’s OP’s money.