Budget disagreements are among the most common subjects for marital disagreements. And for some couples, the conflict begins long before the marriage even starts–with the engagement ring.
That’s the drama a guy on Reddit found himself in when his fiancé began comparing her ring to a friend’s. He wasn’t sure how he handled the conflict, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by throwra_badbbq, asked:
“AITA for not wanting to buy a new engagement ring for my[35M[ale]] fiancée [33F[emale]] after she saw what our newly engaged friend’s ring looked like and how much it cost?”
He explained:
“My fiancée Kate [33F] and I [35M] got engaged last summer. Wedding is set for November. My friend Aaron [35M] just proposed to his girlfriend Amber [30F] at the end of June. We had a 4th of July party at their house Monday and everything was going great.”
“At the party, Kate and the other women there asked to see the ring. There were a lot of ooo’s and aah’s amongst the group when Kate asked what kind of stones were in the ring. Amber said the band had 40 diamonds and the center was a 1 carat diamond. 41 diamonds and 3 carats total, technically a solitaire with an elaborate band, and no halo.”
“Kate said that wasn’t possible on their budget. Amber looked at her ring and said it looked like diamonds to her. But Kate brought up how their budget was $1500 like ours was for Kate’s ring, and Aaron must’ve gotten cheated. Kate’s ring is a half carat solitaire.
“I was confused, too, as I and another friend went with him to pick out the ring since our budgets were similar, and I noticed immediately that it was not the ring he picked out with us, though I said nothing.”
“Aaron told Kate he spent $6,000 on the ring, and he never intended to stay in budget since he could afford much more. He said Amber deserved the best and wanted to surprise her with both the proposal and ring. Aaron took out the card that came with the ring with the specs from his wallet confirming they’re diamonds.”
“Aaron said he only brought us to make sure it was a surprise and there was no way Amber would find out what he was up to. Amber is very money conscious, so Aaron explained he’s been saving since their third date for the ring and paid in cash. They’ve been together for 2 years.”
“Fast forward a couple hours. Kate and I are driving home when she mentioned the ring and how romantic Aaron was to save for a special ring. She asked why I didn’t do what Aaron did, which is get her something I knew she’d love and not be so focused on budgets.”
“Personally, I don’t like large flashy diamond rings. They look gaudy, and I think they’re a waste of money. I told her she was envious that Amber’s ring is twice the size of hers and flashy but it’s not a big deal. Kate said she should get a different ring that shows how I feel.”
“I said no, that the ring she has already does that and was in our budget we agreed on. She said she’s envious not of the ring but that Amber is with someone that is more focused on her personal value, not budgets. I snapped and said she should try to find someone like Aaron then since my ring wasn’t good enough. It’s been frosty in the house since.”
“I’m not sure what to do here. She’s never mentioned the size of her ring until now, and this has been our biggest disagreement in the 4 years we’ve been together. I can count on one hand how many fights we’ve had. I feel like I should get another ring, but I’m also angry that she feels the one I bought is no longer good enough.”
“AITA for my response to Kate and for refusing to get her a new ring?”
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And most of then were firmly on OP’s side.
“NTA, obviously.”
“Also, for future reference, Kate should know that on the day of someone’s proposal, suggesting that the ring is a fake and asking lots of questions about how much is cost really isn’t the done thing. Learning little tidbits of proper behaviour like that will make her appear much classier than a 2 carat ring ever will.”
“Edit: I was incorrect about it being the proposal date. As some users have pointed out, it was not. Still, the same applies hehe.” —rhinosorcery
“This was my thought. Who asks questions like that???”
“I’ve been proposed to twice (obviously the first one didn’t work out) and I didn’t even find out the cost of the first ring until I found the care plan thing he had gotten with it along with the receipt (he had stuffed it in his underwear drawer and I was putting his laundry away). The ring was $300. I loved it.”
“The one on my finger now I picked out myself. It was actually on sale for $800 and has Mossiannate stones. Not real diamonds. So it looks really expensive but it’s not. I just liked the vintage style.”
“Its a ring that she has to wear forever, and because of that I think it should be one she likes. But the price tag shouldn’t be a part of it. I’m scared enough of losing the $800 one or scratching it up or something. I’d be way too anxious with a $6k one.”
“NTA” —NyxiesPuppet
“Kate is being petty and materialistic.”
“She’s comparing her value as a woman to the monetary value of the ring which is wrong on several levels.”
“What’s next? ‘Aaron bought Amber a way bigger house than you bought me. Why don’t I deserve a bigger house?’ Or ‘Why won’t you buy me a yacht like that, don’t you love me?'”
“If you chose this budget together she has no good reason to complain. If she continues to equate the value of your love for her with the value of the things you buy it is a huge red flag going forward and could spell a world of pain for both of you in marriage. NTA.” —MarketingManiac208
Hopefully OP and his fiancé can work out these differences before their wedding date.