Some people think people of different genders can't be friends. As an adolescent and adult, all of my closest friends have been male.
Maybe it's an autism thing—I've always been told I'm too direct and assertive "for a woman" by male authority figures and too intimidating by female contemporaries.
My male friends have never minded my personality, and we've been friends—just friends—for decades now. People have asked why I've never dated any of them if I'm so fond of them.
I was between 11 and 14 years old when I met each of them. By age 25, the very idea of dating felt too much like dating a sibling for me and them.
I live in a rural area, but not that rural.
A young woman dealing with her male best friend's recent odd behavior turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Soft_Savings_4126 asked:
"AITA for 'platonically cheating' on my best friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (19, female) am in the middle of an ongoing argument with my best friend. My best friend (19, male) and I have been close for 3 years. People often mistake us for a couple."
"I have quite a large social circle, but it has always been common knowledge that 'Matt' is the person I am obviously fondest of. People know that, and it's no secret that we spend most of our time with each other."
"Things were absolutely fine until this week. I was invited on a 5-day camping trip with some of my course mates at college."
"We spend a lot of time together and wanted to celebrate the end of the semester by saving up to go somewhere. For reference, Matt isn't part of this group because he does another major."
"So it didn't really come up in conversation before this point, because he hardly knows these people, and it didn't seem like a big deal to me. The trip is scheduled for the start of August, and I told Matt on the phone at the start of this week that I was going."
"He went silent, and when I asked him what the matter was, he said that it was 'weird how I put that much money and time aside for people I've only known since September'."
"I told him that's ridiculous because we spend a lot of time together as a group and we're good friends. He still went on to say that we've never travelled together and he's got 'two years on them'."
"Then he said it's like I'm a 'platonic cheater'. I feel bad because my first instinct was to laugh a bit, because honestly, I didn't expect him to come out with that."
"But then he hung up the phone and wouldn't answer my texts. I don't know what to do about this because I can't find it in me to apologise—I'm not a 'cheater'—and I feel like he's making me out to be the a**hole for having friends aside from him."
"He has been a rock for me, so he's kind of got me thinking I have betrayed him in a way. Which sounds crazy!!"
"To be honest, I think the reason we've never travelled alone is because it'd be a solo trip between two members of the opposite sex, and frankly, it'd feel like dating territory."
"We eat alone and watch movies alone together often. I know I might sound like a hypocrite for saying a vacation is another step, but to be honest, we don't do sleepovers that much—like, we fell asleep during movie, or it got so late and we were closer to one of our room's so crashed there so the other didn't have to walk home alone in the dark—so it would be a little more intimate."
"It's just not appropriate, and I'd rather travel in a group, but Matt's friends aren't my friends, and my friends aren't his. It's not that I think he'd come onto me or anything, but I think that's the type of thing I'd rather reserve for a boyfriend."
"I don't like Matt romantically, and I like us being friends. The former is true despite my being able to acknowledge: yes, he's a good-looking guy."
"The idea of us dating scares me a bit, and so whenever the idea has crossed my mind, I was like 'NOPE!'—I don't think it'd be good, and it's hard to imagine."
"By the way, this will be my first travelling experience done with friends rather than family."
"So AITA for choosing to vacation with relatively new friends instead of my best friend of 3 years?"
The OP later added:
"I rang Matt today after reading the comments from the morning and asked if we could meet up to talk in person because I'm not happy about the silent treatment—we argued on Wednesday night."
"He said he'll come over after his shift on Tuesday so I guess I'll update if we resolve? I'll probably only be doing one because I don't want to drag the situation out."
"He didn't apologise over the phone."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I chose to take a vacation with other people instead of my best friend. I might be the a**hole because I haven't known them that long, and in all my years of knowing my best friend I've never offered or tried to do anything like that for him."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You are allowed to have other close friendships and go on trips with whoever you want. Matt is acting possessive and framing your choice as betrayal, which is unfair and emotionally immature."
"It's okay for him to feel left out, but it's not okay to guilt you over it. You've done nothing wrong by saying yes to a fun opportunity with your college friends."
"If he values the friendship, he'll talk it out once he cools down." ~ quietloverx
"NTA, and Matt sounds like he's definitely into you."
"I'm a woman and my best friend is a guy. I've known him for roughly a decade at this point. He goes on tons of vacations, hangouts without me."
"The only jealousy I have ever felt is a little bit of envy that he got to have some cool experiences I didn't. I never cared that he had friends besides me, and 'platonic cheating' is definitely not a thing." ~ totallyworkinghere
"I am also a woman with a male best friend."
"But my husband isn't jealous because a) we have a deep trust of each other and b) my best friend is his best friend, too."
"The three of us are part of a larger friend group, but the three of us are especially close. Also, said guy best friend has a girlfriend that I get along with really well."
"I never care about anything they do as a couple aside from what he shares with me, and I to him. Also I have definitely hung out with just him and not my husband and he has done vice versa with me. None of us care because we all trust each other and because we're all just friends."
"Matt likes you, 110%." ~ GingerDixie
"It's probably because he likes you. But also, that weird clinginess pouting wouldn't be good for any type of relationship."
"He's seeming off this that he's acting jealous. Are there other dudes going on the trip? If so, bingo." ~ Bakaocrow
The OP provided an update:
"Things are kind of resolved, but also up in the air emotionally. In short, Matt came over, and it started off pretty heated because I was quite mad."
"I said he's completely overreacted, and it was really immature of him to ignore me for nearly a week. He didn't say much and had his head in his hands for a while, which made me go quiet."
"He kept saying 'I know, I know, I'm sorry, I feel stupid'. So I just came out with it and asked if there was something he needed to tell me because I want to know."
"At this point, I was crying—a little riled up to say the least! So he hugged me and said he loved me, and he was irrational and jealous."
"Can't lie, I thought we were going to kiss, but we didn't. I don't know what's going on here, but you guys weren't crazy."
"We talked more about why the trip bothered him so much, and he kind of echoed what you guys theorised."
"He felt left behind, and said out of all his friends, I'm the one he values the most, and he'd love to do something like his first friend holiday with me. Neither of us is that well off, and we have only been on a handful of trips with family when we were younger."
"I can't lie, I was very nervous, very emotional. Didn't want to push it by asking explicitly if he had a crush on me, but I do acknowledge that the way we act with each other is a little more than wholly platonic."
"Maybe it's just one of those loves where you'll always have that attachment, but it need not materialise into a romantic relationship. I don't know, I'm still confused."
"Anyway, I think he was a bit immature at best, you could argue slightly possessive at worst."
"He said that when he said 'platonic cheater' it was ironic (which explains the theatrical wording), but the jealousy was obviously real. We laughed about it a bit, did a blunt."
"I think we're okay. I know some will say I'm in denial."
It sounds like some future conversations are needed.
Hopefully this friendship survives.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.