When it comes to the families of LGBTQ people, it’s often expected that “blood is thicker than water” apply even to the most bigoted family members.
A gay man on Reddit found himself in this situation when he angered his parents by refusing to visit his homophobic grandfather on his deathbed.
The Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure about how he handled things, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
OP asked:
“AITA for not wanting to visit my grandpa because he is/was homophobic against me?”
He explained:
“When I was a kid it was very evident I played for the same team, I wasn’t transgender but I wanted to be a princess and at some degree my parents would allow me to dress as a princess, paint my nails. I know it’s not the same for everyone, but I was extremely feminine and gay and I showed indications of being like this since I was able to choose things of my liking.”
“My grandpa in the other hand, tried to ‘straighten me out’…..by watching and playing football, baseball and other masculine activities (that made more gay because watching the NFL is how I knew that I def LOVE men)….and then I wanted to be a cheerleader because I def wanted to cheer those men lol.”
“When I started getting older, I worked at a car wash and started buying my own clothes. Heels, dresses, make up and I couldn’t stop, I was euphoric about the fact that no one can stop me from buying my stuff as long as I worked for it. My parents didn’t like it but they accepted it.”
“My grandpa in the other hand wanted nothing from me, doesn’t look at me and behind my back calls me names and a ‘fruit loop’. Point is he is dying and my parents want me to see him but I don’t want to, that man never said anything to me that was encouraging and no idc if he ‘fought for my freedom’, I’m tired of giving praise to old men who ‘fought for my freedom’ then get mad when I express it.
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who is wrong in this situations based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
For them, this was pretty cut and dried, and they were firmly on OP’s side.
“NTA- Just because someone is on their death bed does not give them a right to see anyone if that person is not up to it, especially if they have been intolerant and jerk towards them for years.”
“Btw I had a good chuckle when I read the part about being forced to watch the NFL, can just imagine the gasket he would have blew if he was aware that his ‘intervention’ was having the exact opposite effect that he was after.” —Scarsguard11
“I’m petty enough to go there in a dress and tell grandpa ‘thank you so much for helping me figure out that I like men by making me watch all those gorgeous football players run around on a field.’ and watch the fireworks. OP should not listen to me.” —foxfirefizz
“NTA”
“Your grandfather didn’t love you as you were and tried to make you someone you’re not. Cutting him off is a natural consequence of this behaviour.”
“He made his bed, now he gets to lie in it.” —BlackCatLuna
“NTA. I personally would go and see him just on the off chance that he wants to apologise but if you don’t want to I don’t blame you. You never have to endure homophobia. Also congrats on finding something you love!” —undead_sissy
“I didn’t go see a terminally ill family member that I hated. People said I would regret it, but I have never regretted it.”
“So don’t believe them if they say that. It wasn’t true for me, and it sounds like it wouldn’t be true for you either, OP.”
“And that’s ok. It’s your life. I’m glad you’ve chosen a path that makes you happy, OP. You deserve it.” —PedernalesFalls
“NTA. Only reason I would suggest going is if he had specifically asked to see you, because maybe he wanted to make things right. Either way, you are well within your rights to refuse to see him.” —thatgirlcray
“NTA; Anyone would vote NTA only by reading the title. Your grandfather didn’t accept you wholly and obviously is really homophobic…”
“Don’t visit at all or a midway could be if he wants you to visit him (the reason to visit him should not be your parents) just pay a really short visit to your grandpa. Also, remember that you don’t have to endure homophobia.” —awkwardgiggler_
“NTA.”
“And I notice you said it was your parents who want you to see him…they didn’t say your grandpa was asking to see you. There’s a good chance he feels exactly as you do on wanting this visit if he didn’t want anything from you, couldn’t look at you, and called you names behind your back.” —Jammy913
“NTA”
“But you could kiss your grandpa on the forehead and then lean down into his ear and whisper Before I came in the hospital, my boyfriend came in my mouth” —The__Riker__Maneuver
“NTA. Your family is who you choose to surround yourself with, not the people you share DNA with. This man has never supported you or given you even basic respect, why should you go see him?” —bisexual_fool
“NTA, fu*k him. Too many people put importance on blood relation, but if he’s always been such a negative influence and a bully, just look forward to him not being around much longer.” —-Cyst-
“NTA, I’m sorry your grandpa is such a bigoted idiot.”
“Also, I absolutely mean no offence but fruit loop as a slur is funny as hell. Might put that in my social media bio.” —svnjaa
“NTA. You do you, babe, and I personally would be doing the same as you in this situation, you were just braver than I am and you’re able to let yourself be open about who you are.” —The_Bookish_One
Hopefully OP’s family can gain some more understanding of the position he is in.