When a wedding invitation arrives in the mail, it’s meant to be an exciting occasion for all involved, from the bride and groom who sent it to the individual they hope to attend.
But when there are strings attached, receiving the invitation isn’t really fun anymore, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit
Redditor Wedding309657 was surprised when his brother wasn’t going to allow his girlfriend of seven years to attend his wedding, because she wasn’t a part of the family.
But what surprised the Original Poster (OP) even more was how the rest of the family supported this idea.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for making this condition on attending my brother’s wedding?”
The OP was surprised by his brother’s wedding invitations.
“My younger brother Sean is getting married soon, and he sent out invitations that included everyone in the family.”
“I found out that he was going by the ‘no +1 unless engaged or married’ rule, and I felt confused since I’ve been in a long-term (7 years now) relationship with my girlfriend and I was counting on having her to come with me to the wedding.”
The OP asked Sean about it.
“I asked Sean and fiancee about it and asked if they were aware they were excluding my partner with this rule and they gave a ‘too bad, so sad’ type of reaction.”
“I told him alright then, he shouldn’t expect me to come either.”
“He freaked out and called mom who said since I’m the oldest in the family, then my presence at the wedding is a must.”
“I told them I will attend the wedding under one condition and that is to have my girlfriend attend with me.”
“Sean tried to pull the ‘She’s not official’ and ‘She’s not family’ crap on me.”
“I told him enough, and I remained calm yet strict with my condition.”
“Mom said my girlfriend can miss one event, no big deal, and said I shouldn’t be putting conditions on my brother’s wedding to force his hand like that.”
“I said that is all I have and left after a huge meltdown from mom and Sean accusing me of trying to ‘alter’ the wedding, disrespecting their beliefs, and pushing my own on them.”
“They also went as far as to accuse me of planning to steal the event so I could ‘propose’ to my girlfriend.”
The rest of the family had opinions, too.
“The rest of the family got into it, yelling at me for disrupting the wedding and trying to control and bully my brother into letting me do what I want on his godd**n wedding.”
“They said it wasn’t about and up to me to put conditions and went on about how I should support him as his only sibling and a father figure since dad is deceased.”
“I think I’m trying to stand by my girlfriend and our relationship that means so much to me, but they see it as me choosing her over my brother.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the brother made the decision not to have the OP at his wedding, not the other way around.
“Yeah, for me this would be an estrangement-level event. If this were like a random cousin who was being inflexible, I’d probably roll my eyes and be like ‘have fun.'”
“But think of all the holidays and birthdays and vacations this woman has spent with OP’s immediate family over the years? Not to mention dinners and all of the ways families are together.”
“And then for a really important and momentous family occasion they’re like, ‘Actually, you’re not important enough to invite.'”
“I just wouldn’t be able to move past that. It would permanently damage my relationship with them and I wouldn’t be able to continue my relationship with OP if it meant the same level of closeness with them as before.” – SaveBandit987654321
“I agree OP is NTA but I do think people should be able to do what they want for their weddings in terms of invites, but they should be aware that any restrictions they choose to put in place will mean some people won’t come.”
“The issue is that so many people put these restrictions in place as a means of controlling someone else and not because it’s something that actually matters to them and then they get all surprised when other adults don’t allow themselves to be controlled.” – Misty2484
“The thing about no ring no bring is that the bride and groom have to be okay with people refusing the invite as a result of the rule. Since the bride and groom are upset the brother is not coming because of their rule, it’s a good indicator that their rule is inappropriately applied in this instance.” – OllieOllieOxenfry
Others agreed and said the rules sounded like more of an insult than wedding planning.
“They don’t have to invite your girlfriend, but they can’t expect you to show up then either.”
“A bit on the flip side from the initial comment, I’m a firm believer in people can invite/un-invite whomever they want to their wedding but then they have to deal with those consequences. Even if it ‘ruins’ their day.”
“‘She’s not official.’ That would make sense if you were only dating her for a few months but 7 years seems pretty fricken official, and it was most definitely meant to be an insult.”
“Especially to have made the comment of ‘she’s not family.'”
“On top of that, trying to accuse/making a lie about you of trying to steal their wedding so you can propose to her….? Why would you even want to go at that point?”
“You didn’t technically give him an ultimatum nor threaten him, you just said you wouldn’t go.”
“He’s the one turning it into an ultimatum and ruining his own day, no reason to involve the entire family when you made your feelings very clear. If he sees you as a big support then he should be more supportive of you too.”
“NTA, and your family needs to stay out of it!” – EstateAlarming2773
“My sister had this rule, but wasn’t rigid with it (more of a starting point but yeah family and bridal party members and to be honest anyone who probably really asked were exempted). It was a way for her to limit numbers.”
“But guess what, one of the groomsmen had been with a guy for 11 months and really wanted him there and my sister said yeah okay (and guess what happened, he got married to that man and my sister and husband were part of that wedding).”
“NTA. Your family’s reaction to someone who to be honest 7 years in should be getting her own invite is weird.” – thatshowitgoes2183
“I don’t understand people like this. You are absolutely within your rights to make rules for your own wedding. But you need to accept that it might mean some people won’t come because of it.”
“You want to exclude unmarried partners? Okay, someone might decide to stay home. You want your wedding childfree? Sure, no problem, it sounds like a fun adult event, but I won’t be there because I won’t leave my exclusively breastfed 3-month-old with a sitter.”
“People aren’t a**holes to make the rules but you aren’t an a**hole to decline the invitation based on said rule. And OP’s family became a**holes the moment they threw the tantrum about it.” – Laurelinn
While the OP wondered if he was somehow in the wrong for standing up for his girlfriend, the subReddit insisted that was exactly what he should have done.
They highly suspected that the invitation plan was put in place specifically to point out their relationship, and the OP standing up for her would only be further proof of a healthy relationship.