Dress codes at weddings are controversial. Some people consider it common courtesy, while others find it ridiculous.
But what if the dress code is just "please don't wear a white dress if you're not the bride"?
And what if a family member insists on wearing a white dress?
A bride-to-be turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after finding out a family member has a history of wearing a white dress at someone else's wedding.
Puzzled_Dress9590 asked:
"AITA for telling my grandmother not to wear white at my wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (20, female) recently got engaged to my boyfriend (23, male) of 2 1/2 years."
"For some context, my grandma (70, female) raised me, but I've always been closer to my Mom because my grandma is your stereotypical Christian conservative who always thinks she's right... to be blunt."
"She's gotten better over the years, but she still has some growing to do, in my opinion."
"Anyway, when I told my Mom about the engagement, she was over the moon. After talking for a bit, she asked if I wanted to see some pictures from when I was a kid/before I was born."
"My Mom is very much the sentimental type and loves to take/show pictures. I, of course, said yes."
"As we're flipping through the pictures, we come across one of my Uncle's wedding. In it was my Uncle, his now ex-wife, my Dad (his brother), and my Grandma."
"I thought it was sweet, until I noticed my Grandma was wearing a long white dress with a beaded top, like a wedding dress. This struck me as odd, just because, wouldn't you feel weird with someone else wearing white at your wedding?"
"A few days later, I talked to my fiancé about this. He told me if it was a true concern, I should talk to her about it."
"I was already planning on it, but needed that final push."
"So, when I went to her house, I told her about the engagement. She's never liked my boyfriend only because he smokes marijuana (as do I), so she wasn't thrilled about it, but she was accepting."
"I told her I had seen a picture of her at my Uncle's wedding wearing a white dress and how I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing the same at mine. I guess I was spot on because she got super defensive, saying I was 'selfish' and 'inconsiderate' and that it 'wasn't a big deal'."
"Personally, I wanted to be the only one wearing white because if I'm paying hundreds—if not thousands—for a wedding dress, I'd like to stand out, even if I am the bride. It just feels kind of disrespectful."
"Here's where I think I might be the a**hole."
"I got annoyed with her, for calling me names and berating me about my relationship—she was also bashing my fiancé in the process."
"It might've been selfish of me to say, but I said something along the lines of 'it is MY day, if you can't do this one thing for me, maybe you shouldn't come at all'."
"Both of us were very heated in the moment, but I think I went a little too far looking back. She told me to get out, and we haven't spoken since."
"I just wanted to let her know as soon as possible, so she didn't spend tons of money on a white dress. I didn't mean to attack her; I just wanted her to know that wearing a white dress would make me very uncomfortable."
"It didn't start off as an argument."
"My fiancé reassured me and said that if it was important to me, it should've been important to her. This happened a little over a week ago, and I just need some outside opinions."
"I'm really in my head over this because she's the woman who raised me. I really thought I was being selfish."
"Plus this is the only wedding I'm ever planning to have you know? I want it to be special."
"So, AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I wanted to clear this up. It's not that I think people would mistake me for my Grandmother as the bride, it's that her also wearing a wedding dress would make my day a little less special to me."
"It's hard to explain, but I just want to stand out, you know? Even if I am the bride."
"I'm not trying to be that bridezilla that controls the color of everyone's attire—people can wear whatever they want and whatever they're comfortable in."
"It absolutely feels like disrespect. Plus, not only has my Grandmother had her own wedding, she's had THREE. With THREE different wedding dresses!"
"All I'm saying is, why does it have to be white?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I'm the a**hole, because I told my grandma that she shouldn't come to my wedding at all if she refuses to wear a regular dress instead of a wedding gown."
"I think it was selfish of me to say and just need outside opinions to see if I was in the right or wrong for uninviting her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Every girl wants her wedding perfect, so it's not wrong that you talked to your grandmother about that picture and asked her not to wear a white dress at your wedding."
"Why can't she be happy and let you enjoy the biggest day of your life? She can wear anything."
"Calling you selfish or names, I don't know what's wrong with her."
"She should be happy rather than arguing with you about her dress on your wedding day . Definitely NTA dear, it's your wedding, your big day not hers." ~ GForcePi
"Ask the grandma if this is the hill she wants to die on. She was simply asked not to wear one color to someone else's event. Nothing more."
"No one's worried about attention or confusion, it's about respect."
"If the grandma refuses to show any for someone else's event when she is simply a guest, then she has shown her true colors and doesn't need to attend. Especially because the disrespect is not something new and she knows better." ~ LuckyShamrocks
"Your Gran is old enough to understand that she's the one who is selfish. NTA." ~ No-BS4me
"Have a look at other wedding photos of the family. I'm guessing this is her thing and you're ruining it for her."
"It's a very well known social faux pas to wear white to the wedding in this culture—which from accounts I've heard is usually done by mothers who want to relive their own day and command attention." ~ SteveJobsPen
"NTA. You're not being selfish, and I'd bet my next paycheck she's doing it on purpose. Otherwise, why argue with you to wear white?" ~ roseofjuly
"The only reason to wear white to a wedding when you know the bride is wearing white is to be an a**hole."
"EVERYONE knows that is rude. It's like waving a sign saying 'I don't have any respect for the married couple or this wedding'. NTA." ~ Aylauria
"NTA. As you say, your grandma has some growing up to do."
"Wearing white at a wedding is about control and wanting to take away attention from the bride. There is literally no other reason to wear white unless the bride/groom do some color scheme reverse."
"Your grandma is defensive of the white and bashes your boyfriend? She is a toddler." ~ Dense_Island_5120
The OP provided an update:
"First, thank you for all of your opinions and comments. I have read as many as I can but saw some common questions I want to clarify."
"My fiancé and I met when I was 18 and he was 21. We met through a dating app but also attended the same college together."
"About her berating my relationship, I don't see or talk to her too often and she's been doing this since she found out he smoked (a year into the relationship). I understand how this is concerning, but we're in this relationship for each other, not my grandma."
"To the people saying I'm the a**hole for assuming she would wear white, you're right. The picture is from a few months before I was born, so I get how I'm the a**hole in that sense."
"I should've thought about it longer, but it is what it is."
"To the people saying I'm making a big deal out of nothing, it turns out she ordered a white V-neck knee length dress for my wedding after the confrontation—found out from my Mom who talked to her after."
"I was planning on hiring security anyways, but I'll let them know if anyone shows up wearing white to not let them in before I'm told first. I'll give them the option to change; if not, no entry."
"It's my wedding day, and like many people said, I'll do it how I want. Thank you everyone!"
The OP is correct. It's their wedding—their event—to plan and pay for. The guest list and dress code are completely up to them.
If someone doesn't want to support them on that day, then they don't need to be at their wedding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp