A traumatic event from your childhood can have lasting effects that you can’t control. But to what extent is it your responsibility to handle this trauma once you’re an adult?
Redditor lightbright123 explained his situation with his estranged mother. The original poster (OP)’s cousins have been keeping her in the loop on his life, leading to OP cutting them out of his wedding.
OP’s fiancée is making him question his decision, which brings OP to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
Is OP wrong to cut all these people out of his life?
“AITA for uninviting my cousins from my wedding for feeding info to my mom?”
OP has to explain why he’d cut so many people from his wedding.
“I (28M) am an only child. When I was 12 my parents divorced when my dad found out my mom cheated on him. This was devastating to my dad.”
“My parents were best friends and started dating when they were 17. I played sports and my dad was my coach so I had a much closer relationship to him then my mom.”
“I was supposed to spend one week at my mom’s then the next week at my dad’s. But I would usually just lock myself in my room at my mom’s.”
“Usually my dad would drop me off and I would get on my bike and ride the couple miles back to his house. My mom would ask me things and I would literally pretend like she didn’t exist.”
“It got so bad that lawyers got involved thinking my dad was turning me against my mom. My dad encouraged me to spend time with my mom, but I couldn’t.”
“My mom tried putting us in therapy but I would just sit there until the time was up not saying a word to her.”
“Eventually my mom broke down and let me just live with my dad.”
“I haven’t spoken a word to my mom in 15 years. She would show up to my games alone.”
“Sometimes I would ask my dad to tell her to leave. Sometimes I didn’t even notice she was there.”
“She would try talking to me after and I would walk right past her. I cut her whole family off besides a few of my cousins that were around my age.”
“She showed up to my high school graduation and I asked a couple teachers to remove her and they did. She never dated anyone else to my knowledge and was still attempting to reconcile with my dad a few years before he passed.”
“Calling it the ‘biggest mistake of her life’ and begging my dad to forgive her. When my dad passed a couple years ago she tried to show up to the funeral and I met her outside to ask her to leave.”
“My fiancée Rachel was with me when I did this and my mom cried upon learning we were engaged (Rachel introduced herself as my fiancée). Saying she couldn’t believe I hated her still this many years later.”
“So last week I received a letter from my mom with a large check inside.”
“In the letter she said she couldn’t live knowing she wouldn’t be invited to her only child’s wedding. That her whole family is hurt that I cut them off.”
“And that she had been keeping tabs on me all these years through my cousins updates out of respect for me, but couldn’t handle not being at the wedding. I ripped the check up and sent it back to the return address.”
“She shouldn’t have even known my address as I keep her blocked on all social media. I called up my cousins who admitted that since I was 14 they have been providing my mom with updates on me.”
“Prom pics, college updates, engagement photos and they sent her my address. I was so mad that I told them they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding anymore because I don’t want my mom getting access to it.”
“Rachel is saying I’m going too far now and uninviting my cousins along with freezing out my mom’s whole family because of her actions is an AH move.”
“AITA?”
OP also added a little bit of an update to explain his mom’s transgression.
“The cheating was with a teammate’s dad. This was highly embarrassing for me and caused me to have to move towns. Caused me to lose friends.”
Redditors judged whether OP was wrong by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While people could see many sides to this situation, OP’s grudge has been going on long enough. Maybe he doesn’t have to forgive his mom, but maybe he can.
He’s never given the idea an opportunity, and his rage has increased to the point of burning more family members.
Commenters agreed OP was wrong for holding onto this for so long.
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say YTA. Acting out as a 12 year old is to be expected. Deciding not to ever forgive your mom is totally your right (though it was 16 years ago, and you, while affected, were not really the aggrieved party).”
“The fact that you are still throwing tantrums like a 12 year old, at the age of 28, makes you the AH.”
“I’d even go so far as to say your fiancée should consider this a pretty serious red flag. The fact that you can act with such hatred and spite over something that happened over 16 years ago, and only peripherally involved you, to me shows a pretty serious character flaw.”
“At the very least, she should be concerned about what it would take for you to direct that anger at her, and what form that anger would take.” – Himkano
“Maybe unpopular opinion but YTA – why are you punishing your mom so severely? She made an awful mistake years ago, a mistake many parents do. They have a right to their own lives and moral failings.”
“Honestly I would encourage you to explore why you feel this hatred for your mom that seems disproportionate. Punishing your cousins for showing compassion does seem like going too far.” – lookslikephilcollins
“Oof this is a tough one to judge on the exact question you’re asking. I’m not seeing that you asked your cousins not to talk to her, so I’m feeling YTA here.”
“You certainly have the right to be angry at your mother, but holding such an intense grudge for this long over her cheating on your father once just doesn’t sit right. This is something you need to actually deal with.”
“Honestly your mother doesn’t sound like that bad of a person – yes she made a horrible mistake but she’s spent 15 years passionately trying to have some form of a relationship with you while doing everything she can to respect your boundaries.”
“And you gave her nothing for that. If there’s more that your mother did wrong, I’d understand, but it’s just not there.” – dcm510
However, OP was defended his position and his feelings are valid.
No one can force him to have a relationship with his mother.
“Okay I wanna ask this again: despite your father not wanting to get back with her, did he forgive her and did he seriously want you to maintain a relationship with her because she was a good mother prior?” – Femme0879
The OP responded:
“He never said if he forgave her or not. Never really brought her up. When I wouldn’t speak to her, he pushed for me to have a relationship. He pushed less and less over the years.”
Another Redditor commented:
“The worst part is it seems to me like she should have moved on but she wanted you to be a part of her life she didn’t want to replace with another kid.”
“She’s spent all this time trying to make it up to you and you are seemingly incapable of forgiveness.” – Bigbootylover420_69
The OP replied:
“Some things just aren’t forgivable unfortunately. She could have cheated once and I wouldn’t have been as upset.”
“I would have gotten over it. The way she did it, who she did it with and her behavior after is why our relationship is dead.”
However a Redditor answered:
“Would you expect her to tell the truth to the 12 year old boy that adores his daddy and knows you will turn your back on her as soon as you find out the truth?”
She was scared. Rightfully so. She made a mistake. That happens.”
“You got hurt in the process. But I bet my money that she wasn’t trying to hurt you directly.” – Ambitious_Coriander
But, again, the OP was unconvinced:
“Does it really matter why she lied? When you are 12 years old going thru a traumatic event and you look at your parent for the truth and they lie directly to your face.”
“You remember it. When she had to admit it in court is the first time she actually admitted to it. And that’s why I won’t ever speak to her again.”
“She only admitted to it when she was literally forced to.”
Could OP do more?
Sure.
And it might be more emotionally healthy in the long run.
In the meantime, OP should consider his fiancée’s feelings and consider forgiving his cousins at the very least.