Content Warning: Anti-LGBTQ rights, Anti-Trans Rights, TERF (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist), JK Rowling
There may forever be a disconnect between knowing that a person was capable of creating such an incredible, magical, and inclusive world as Harry Potter but turned out to be as bigoted as JK Rowling.
Even years after Rowling made her radically hateful stance about Trans people known, some fans still wrestle with loving the world of Harry Potter they grew up with, and the nostalgia that gives them, while also not wanting to support someone like Rowling.
There's such a divide, relationships and friendships have ended over it, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Substantial_Run3383 planned a trip to Universal Studios and Disney with a friend after both of them had grown up without being able to go.
But when his girlfriend found out where he was going, she immediately banned the trip despite how much money he'd already prepaid because she didn't want the Original Poster (OP) to financially support JK Rowling and her funding of anti-Trans campaigns in any way.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my girlfriend she can't force me to cancel my vacation and lose $2500 because she hates 'Harry Potter'?"
The OP planned to go on a trip with their best friend to Universal and Disney.
"I (27 Male) and my girlfriend (27 Female) have been together for four years now."
"I've always wanted to visit Universal Orlando to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, but I'd never been able to justify it financially."
"My dad died recently, and I got an inheritance in his will. It's not life-changing money, but enough to pay off my debts and have something left over. So I decided to book a trip to Universal Studios, and I was lucky enough to get tickets for their new park, Epic, as well."
"My best friend loves 'Star Wars,' and so do I, so we decided we'd go together and split time between Universal Studios and Disney World because we probably wouldn't have the chance to go again anytime soon."
The OP's girlfriend was okay with the plan at first.
"I told my girlfriend this upfront, and she said she was excited for us but didn't want to go because she doesn't support 'Harry Potter' because of Rowling and her views on LGBT people."
"She was fine with it until she found out Rowling is apparently using her fortune to fund anti-Trans campaigns, and she started screaming at me about supporting Transphobia."
"Her younger brother is Trans, so Trans Rights are extremely important to her, which makes sense."
"Early in our relationship, we basically agreed that I could do whatever I wanted regarding 'Harry Potter,' but she wouldn't join in. It's never been a problem until now."
The OP's girlfriend forbade him from going on the trip, which caused problems.
"During the discussion, she told me I'm not allowed to go because it'd be supporting Rowling, which is supporting anti-Trans campaigns and not supporting her brother."
"I said, 'Honey, I understand what you're saying, but if I cancel, I can't get my money back.'"
"When I booked the trip, I booked with a trip planner, and they explicitly said that my tickets are non-refundable. I can change the dates if I need to cancel my initial trip, but I won't be refunded if I cancel and don't show up. My plane tickets, hotel, and park tickets are ALL non-refundable. I've spent about $2500 on this trip, I can't justify wasting that kind of money, and she knows that."
"But she says it doesn't matter, it's not about the money, it's about the principle, and I'm not allowed to go."
The OP felt conflicted about the conversation.
"I respect what she's saying and where she's coming from, but I'm not throwing away that kind of money."
"And she can't just ban me from going somewhere. I'm an adult just like she is, and I can make my own decisions."
"I feel bad because I see both sides. On my end, I'm not willing to just lose almost three grand. On her end, she wants to support her brother."
"I want to be considerate and respect her wishes, but that'd make me lose thousands of dollars, and I'm not sure if I'm just hung up on the money part instead of how she feels."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some sided with the girlfriend and didn't think a fun trip was worth their conscience.
"This is more of a morals and values situation."
"Some people don't see a problem with supporting Rowling and Trans Rights at the same time. Others draw a hard line."
"Your value systems are not in agreement here. By breaking up, you're both dodging bullets."
"You are free to do what you want. She is free to dump you for that." - Naive-Dig-8214
"You can't support Rowling and Trans people at the same time, any more than you can support pro-life groups and accessible abortion at the same time. For as long as JK is putting HP profit towards anti-Trans organizations, the two are mutually exclusive. You made your choice. You won't be able to date your partner long-term." - Ok_Student_3294
"NTA."
"You've already paid a non-refundable amount, so you're already supporting Rowling. The owners care about the money, not that one additional person walks through the gate."
"And your girlfriend is trying to control you. Sure, she can make her displeasure known, set a boundary, or leave the relationship, but telling another adult they can't do something is not ok. You're not a child." - Doggedart
"I'm Trans and I appreciate when people want to support us, but this isn't the way. Rowling is already rich, she'll continue to make money and be a piece of s**t with it, this guy didn't know better I guess, and now it's too late. Just let him have a nice day at a theme park after his dad passed."
"Me and my sister grew up loving 'Harry Potter,' so it was a massive disappointment but I'm not gonna take away the joy others get from HP. My sister still loves it, and still loves me. We just try to make better purchases now, lol." - aspiring_dog
But others said the relationship would have ended the moment their partner "banned" them from doing something.
"'Not allowed' to go? You are an adult, and you should not allow someone to control you."
"She can make her argument and decide her views, but you decide on your own. NTA." - alicat7777777
"Universal celebrates Pride Month and donates 100% profits from all 'love is universal' merch to LGBT organizations. They also donate money to local LGBT non-profits throughout the year and hold an annual day in honor of the Pulse nightclub victims."
"So, she can pick and choose her battles if it's about principles."
"It's also not even about just losing money, it's losing something his dad left him… It's not just money, it's the last time his dad can help him make happy memories." - radjostxx
"Warner Bros essentially ripped creative control from JK, so you're girlfriend is an id**t. She's basically banished from her own product because she's a loon now."
"If there's something to support about 'Harry Potter,' it would literally be the movies."
"I went to Disney/Universal with some alphabet (LGBTQ+) friends, and you know what we had? Memories so core we bring them up frequently years later." - zappy487
"Does she have friends with young babies? If so, she'd best boycott Nestle for their old practices around formula. And of course, all Nestle's child companies."
"Oops, but beef and dairy products are animal exploitative. Isn't the rainforest being chopped down to make space for more animal grazing? Best to boycott the fast foods."
"I get she's concerned about her sibling, but OP has already spent the money. It's already there, helping line JR's pocket. Cancelling won't undo it. It'll just make OP a bit poorer and a lot more resentful."
"Also, she can't go around telling a grown adult what they can and cannot do, especially her boyfriend. That's controlling, manipulative, and could slip into abuse, which I assume she's against." - ExpertProfessional9
"Good to have morals. Good to stand for something. But it's basically impossible to avoid giving money to people who won't use it for evil. To pick and choose a villain of the week without acknowledging that you yourself are a hypocrite is dumb."
"Draw your line in the sand, but don't expect others to have to draw the same one or tell them they can, can't, have to, won't." - _byrnes_
"You're not 'allowed'? That's a hard nope for me. Enjoy your trip. Find a new girlfriend." - Only_Music_2640
The subReddit could appreciate the OP's girlfriend's passion, but demanding that the OP not go and waste the money that his father left him was not the choice option for most of the Redditors.
A few were expressly against supporting JK Rowling by supporting anything Harry Potter-related, but most knew that she already had so much money, and one more person attending Universal might not change anything.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.