Work should be acknowledged.
The harder you struggle with something, the more effort you put into it, the more you should be applauded for conquering the thing.
That's the idea, anyway.
So what happens when someone you love decides to intentionally undermine all that hard work?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Entreprenuer512 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA, For walking out of an event when my fiancée introduced me as a bookkeeper?"
OP began with introductions and some personal history.
"I (F45) have a Fiancée (M55) who is retired military officer."
"I own a successful company I started 7 years ago and have a small staff of 25."
"I worked my way through college, paying as I went."
"Therefore, I graduated in my early 30s with a double major in Accounting and Business Management. I am very proud of that."
She explained her business.
"For a little background:"
"I worked hard for my degrees and have zero debt."
"I know it took me longer than the typical student going full time to college after high school."
"I worked full time to pay as I took classes."
"I went to Jr. College first then finished at a 4 year."
"I took 2 classes per semester...for a long time."
"But I finally made it!! I have been 'teased' that jr. college isn't the same as going 4 years at a major university."
"Well, I am proud to have done both and feel the education I received at Jr. college was excellent."
"I worked as an Accountant for some large corporations, as well as programming and IT."
"I started my company doing similar support to large and small companies alike."
"I have a wonderful staff."
"I manage the contracts, kick off meetings, Sales and Consulting staff."
"I also do some of the consulting and most of the sales/contracts. My sister is my office manager, and I am blessed in so many ways to have her."
"I was dating my now fiancée before I started my company, and we recently got engaged."
Then things changed.
"Everything seemed to be perfect, except he keeps introducing me as a bookkeeper."
"No disrespect intended to them or the profession. My issue is that I have worked hard to get where I am. I am an accountant, Graduate with a double major, and successful business owner."
"He could pick almost any other 'title' to introduce me as, but he chooses 'bookkeeper'".
"I have asked him many, many, many times in private to stop calling me a bookkeeper as it implies to my clients and business associates that he doesn't respect me or what I have accomplished."
"He said he doesn't see the big deal or the difference and continues to do so."
"I recently pulled him aside and asked him to just introduce me as a consultant at the event we were going to."
"While there we were talking to a prospective client (for my company) and he says, 'she has come a long way for a bookkeeper'".
"I know my face had a full blush at that, excused myself and walked away. We had both driven there, so I got in my car and went home."
"(We both own our own townhomes). I sent him a text to let him know I was leaving and would talk to him later."
"He thinks I am over-reacting."
"My family thinks he is a controlling a*s that doesn't respect me or women."
"I'm not sure what to think now."
"He seemed so supportive when we are together, but not when we are around other people."
"He tends to treat me like a subordinate, a nice kid, playing with the adults."
"He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was 'joking' badly."
OP was left to wonder,
"So...AITAH for leaving and over-reacting?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters didn't hold back on OP's boyfriend.
"'My family thinks he is a controlling a** that doesn't respect me or women.'"
"Gee, I wonder why."
"'He seemed so supportive when we are together, but not when we are around other people. He tends to treat me like a subordinate, nice kid, playing with the adults. He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was 'joking' badly.'"
"He doesn't respect your success."
"What does he do since his retirement?"
"Sounds to me like he's can't handle that you are the CEO and owner of a successful business, especially in public."
"He's expressing his insecurities by publicly demeaning you. You've worked for this, and you deserve someone who respects that."
"NTA" ~ Fatigue-Error
"It's that last block that gets me. 'He tends to treat me....'"
"To quote Ian Flemming:"
"'Once is happenstance. Twice is a coincidence. Thrice is enemy action"'.
"This guy is a PROBLEM."
"OP needs to GTFO, because there is ZERO respect from him coming, and that's not how you want to live your life." ~ Sashi-Dice
Others had concerns about the future.
"She's gonna be the nurse and purse soon enough. So gross." ~ CoconutJasmineBombe
"Exactly this! AH."
"OP, he is not going to change and doesn't want to."
"This is a major red flag, because it will only get worse if you get married and combine into one household."
"You worked too hard to have a SO that mocks you."
"Counseling and a breathing room break might be best to take the time and review the pluses and minuses of marrying or even staying with this man." ~ FormerIndependence36
Commenters were surprised at OP's calm attitude.
"NTA. You are under-reacting." ~ Robossassin
"Yep…100% UNDER-reacting."
"I suggest talking to him, but with a different bent to it. Instead of saying, 'I don't like this,' start with something more along the lines of…'Why are you threatened by my success?''
"Or 'When you do that, it makes you seem very insecure.'"
"You seem absolutely amazing, and I'm so impressed by your hard work and success. I hope you find someone that is not too fragile to be amazed as well. NTA" ~ Blue-Being22
The lack of respect was clear.
"NTA - your fiance' is repeatedly being a disrespectful AH."
"'she has come a long way for a bookkeeper'"
"Yikes - this comment isn't just him not understanding the difference between bookkeeping & what you do for a living."
"There's nothing wrong with being a bookkeeper - but that's not your job, and THAT comment is phrased to be as demeaning as possible."
"I'm surprised he used 'She' vs 'This little lady'"
"'He tends to treat me like a subordinate, nice kid, playing with the adults. He does talk down to me in front of my family, but I always assumed he was 'joking' badly.'"
"So that right there - YOU notice it, a LOT."
"This is what he does to you whenever you meet somebody new."
"You've told him repeatedly that you do not like this."
"You've told him the job titled you prefer."
"Unless he has a short-term memory issue - he's deliberately putting you down - so that HE can seem like #1."
"You've tried your best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you need to stop that - he's not joking, he doesn't want his friends & associates thinking that he woman is better than him."
"Yes that's a clunky, sexist way to think, but that's what he's doing."
"Since you've told him numerous times - each time he does this he's disrespecting you."
"You aren't married yet. Really consider if THAT attitude is something you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"You two are engaged, which means THIS is as good as he'll ever be. It's not likely it would get better with marriage." ~ CarrieCat62
"Also, can we notice that he did it in front of a possible client, he did it on purpose, for her to not get said client."
"He doesn't want her to succeed."
"Nta" ~ notyoureffingproblem
When in doubt, use sarcasm.
"Agree."
"Telling people, 'Forgive him. He doesn't know the difference between…' is brilliant. It will certainly put him in his place and turn the tables."
"That said, I don't think you should forgive him. Saying 'bookkeeper' is deliberate. He is trying to diminish your accomplishments and knock you down a few pegs."
"The right partner would be proud of your accomplishments." ~ilp456
"I would enjoy correcting him publicly and look at the people and say, 'its so funny that he does that, I'm actually an accountant and consultant. I've told him he sounds insecure when he minimizes my title, but he keeps doing it'"
"Make it awkward." ~whatsmypassword73
OP did return to announce some changes.
"I had a conversation with him after a few days."
"He feels I'm lucky to have him and need to listen to his advice more and not over-react."
"The attitude, along with reading everyone's replies (Thanks!) I have called it off with him. I need someone who is proud of me and caring."
"My family responded by buying champagne. LOL"
Acknowledging someone else's success does not diminish your own.
Be kind.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.