A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. You support each other through the difficult times and enjoy the good ones together.
If something goes wrong, you can communicate and hopefully work things out. But sometimes things feel a lot less easy to work out than they might on paper.
Reddit user Fales_Tackle_5707 asked the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) if he was wrong to deny driving his wife to the hospital when she goes into labor.
His defense is that she chose someone else to be in the room with her.
“AITA for telling my wife that if she doesn’t want me in the delivery room she can find someone else to drive her to the hospital?”
He explained his situation.
“I can add more information if people need or want it, but I’ll try to only include what I think is relevant.”
“My wife is pregnant and has told me that she wants her sister in the delivery room. She is only allowed one person, so this means I’m out and won’t be with her when she gives birth to our baby.”
“It would be an understatement to say that I was disappointed, crushed, hurt, etc. when she told me this is what she was thinking. I had been excited about being there with her and experiencing that moment ever since she told me she was pregnant – really even since we started trying to get pregnant.”
“I just always assumed she would want me there.”
“Note the distinction here between me expecting to be there versus expecting her to want me there.”
“I am pointing this out because what’s worse than the disappointment is her rejecting me and basically telling me that she feels like someone else could give her better support while giving birth. That’s really made me feel like a POS and worthless husband and father.”
“I’ve tried not to take it to heart or personally, but I don’t know how else to take that kind of rejection. It doesn’t help that she’s really given no reason for why she feels like her sister would do a better job of supporting her.”
“I know that her sister has had kids herself, but when I asked my wife if that was part of it she said not really. I then asked her if I had done something wrong or failed in some way or if she was upset with me, and she said it wasn’t anything I’d done and she wasn’t trying to punish me. She just felt like it would be better to have her sister there.”
“I’ve asked for clarifications and that’s as specific as she gets. It doesn’t seem like she has a real list of reasons why her sister was chosen. It’s just a feeling. Either that or she is lying to me and won’t give me the real reason.”
“I had hoped she’d change her mind, but she’s now confirmed this is how it will be. All of the things I’ve written about led me to tell her that if she really feels that way then I think it’d be better if her sister or someone else drove her to the hospital. Otherwise I’m just her taxi driver.”
“Once she realized that I was serious she lost it and told me I was acting like a child and pouting.”
“I can accept that it’s her choice, but if she doesn’t want my support in the delivery room then why would she want it on the way to the hospital or at any other time? That’s illogical, so there’s no point in me doing that either.”
“She decided to go stay with her family for a few days and since she has I am being constantly bombarded by both sides of the family and friends of ours telling me to let this go and stop being an a**hole.”
“I know they are trying to help, but I don’t think they understand the situation and just want it resolved so they can all feel better.”
“Just looking to confirm if I am as bad as they think I am.”
On the AITA subReddit, judgement is passed with one of the following abbreviations:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
And almost all the responses were “YTA”.
“YTA: women still die giving birth. Regularly. This is a dangerous task. She decided who she wants there.”
“Perhaps because she thinks you’ll be more focused on your feelings then her health.”
“Given your response to her choice I can see why she’d feel that way.”
“You might find yourself divorced if you keep this up.” – books2246
“YTA shes the one giving birth and her comfort is of the utmost paramount. If this is how you react then maybe she has a point to not want you there.” – princessofperky
“YTA. This isn’t about her reasoning or whether you feel rejected. This is about how you decided that if you didn’t get your way, you were going to withhold all help from her.”
“All you’re doing is reinforcing that she can only rely on herself when the two of you are a team.”
“I think the fact that she won’t tell you why speaks volumes. She already knows why: you can’t be relyed on.”
“Would you walk out on her in the delivery room if she yelled too loudly? Leave her to find her own ride if the birth isn’t civil enough for you?” – HumanityIsACesspool
“Yta. Perhaps you’re controlling and selfish response explains why she doesn’t want you there in the first place.”
“She is pushing a human being out of her body after carry it around and creating it out of her own body for the last 9 months. If she wants her sister there that’s her choice.” – klrob18
Responses to this incident became very passionate.
“You’re not an a**hole for wanting to be there the moment your child is born. You are a HUGE a**hole for punishing her by saying she can find her own ride to the hospital and that you’ll withhold other support on the day. (Before you downvote me, read what he said again.)”
“Things are obviously different because it’s a friggin’ pandemic. Now, a patient only gets one support person.”
“Maybe your wife has good reasons for wanting her sister there. Maybe she feels she’ll get better support from someone who listens to what she (the woman in labour) wants, someone who won’t be pissy and petty if things don’t go their way.”
“It’s only very recently in history that fathers were even allowed in the delivery room, no matter what they wanted. You can do your best to explain why you feel you have the right to be there, and more importantly that you’ll be the right person to support your wife.”
“But if you carry out your threats to make her find her own way to the hospital, and sulk because you’re not in the room, then you will most definitely be proving her point, and also YTA.” – SpicyMustFlow
False_Tackle_5707 eventually updated his post saying that his wife doesn’t plan to come home before the baby is born. He doesn’t think the outlook is good, and has already contacted a divorce attorney.
In your relationship, people will tell you communication is key. But another important aspect is boundaries. Try to keep both in mind as you work things out with your partner.