Childcare is so expensive.
Some monthly childcare bills rival car payments and mortgages.
It's a wonder people are having children at all.
That's why so many parents depend on family and friends.
But there are limits to the amount of help people can give.
Redditor ApocalypticUnicorn24 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my brother he needs to find new childcare?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"AITA for telling my brother he needs to find his own childcare for his kids."
"I, 28 F[emale] have been babysitting my brother's 25 M[ale] boys since his oldest was born (almost 4 now)."
"I switched my work schedule to be able to watch the boys after my overnight shifts and to better help him so he and his wife can still work."
"All was well for a bit until they decided to have a second kid, and I was getting super burnt out with hardly any sleep, as sometimes they wouldn't get home until 4-5 pm and I had to be up for work by 8 pm."
"Leaving me 3-4 hours of sleep a night."
"I tried to set boundaries, but ultimately caved to their pressure, along with my parents on their side."
"Their solution was I come home, nap, then go over to watch the boys before going home to sleep some more (5-6 hours a day) for $100 a month to watch both boys, and I gave them a 2-year timeline and told them if they had a third child, I would be done watching them."
"Well, recently I lost my job, and I've been out of a job for almost 2 months."
"I've been applying for full-time and part-time work for all shifts/hours, and I finally got hired."
"The issue is I have 2 days of orientation this month, and I don't start part-time day shift until the end of April, maybe the end of May."
"I told my brother and his wife I'd have orientation for 2 days this month, and went to remind them again yesterday, only for everything to blow up."
"I was basically told I'm a major f**k up and disappointment that needs to grow up because when our parents pass, he's not going to keep bailing me out or helping me as I do, and that no one will be able to take those two days off, and I have to watch the boys."
"Plus, he claims I never told him it was a day shift job because that won't work for him and f**ks everyone else over, meaning they won't have someone to watch the boys."
"After a lot of tears on my part and arguing, I told him I can't pass up a job that's willing to pay when I have no other job prospects at the moment, and that I will be going to the orientation those 2 days this month, and he has until the end of April to find alternate childcare."
"Now neither he nor his wife will talk to me, other than to ask when the baby last had a bottle when walking in the door, because they now have to figure out childcare."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - you have to take care of yourself."
"Did I read correctly that they only pay you $100/month to watch 2 kids??"
"That's insanely cheap."
"Also, how exactly is he continually bailing you out?"
"Snag the job and don't look back."
"Congrats on the new gig." ~ CatDog4565
"HE is bailing YOU out?"
"That's laughable."
"Once he sees how much childcare costs for HIS children, he might see how much you're bailing him and his wife out."
"These are not your children."
"You don't have to watch them ever, at all."
"He and his wife chose to have kids; they are responsible for them 100%."
"Their scheduling conflicts belong to them."
"If they cannot afford childcare, they can change their job/schedule to something that works for their family."
"Notice how I didn't include you in any of this?"
"The kids have 2 parents." ~ According-Paint6981
"Agreed. Figure out the going daycare rate for 2 kids for 6 hours/day, 5 days a week."
"Throw that number in his face and ask who has been bailing who out for 4 years."
"Honestly, he's just panicking because he has a family he can't afford."
"Or at a minimum, will have to significantly tighten up the budget and lower his lifestyle."
"But taking that fear out on you is grossly unfair."
"By the way, if your mom has also been babysitting for free, she's been bailing him out, too."
"How is that any different than what she's doing for you?"
"Your brother needs a reality check." ~ Spiritual_Promise735
"5-6 hours per day."
"For ease of calculations, let's assume this is weekdays only and there are 4 weeks in a month for 20 weekdays/month."
"6 hours per day x 20 days is 120 hours."
"You are looking after 2 small children for cents per hour."
"That is appalling."
"I'm sure you love these children, but their care is not your problem or your responsibility."
"Your brother and his wife need to sort their lives out and be responsible for their own children."
"Your brother wants you to stay unemployed because it suits him."
"Virtually free childcare suits him."
"He does not want you to succeed in life or be anything more than you currently are."
"He is selfish and disgusting." ~ BuzzyLightyear100
"Easier solution."
"Don't watch them starting now."
"I'm all for doing my family a solid whenever I can, but I've had it blow up on me a couple of times."
"As soon as that happens, it is done." ~ Responsible-Part3982
"$100 a month to watch both boys."
"Talk about an insult to injury here. NTA."
"Your brother chose to have kids young; he chose not to find a sitter and rely on you doing it for basically nothing, then tries to belittle you?"
"F**K. THAT."
"OP, please grow a spine here, tell him to shove his attitude where the sun doesn't shine, focus on your life, and go low to no contact with him, his wife, and anyone else who supports this nonsense."
"Family is not free childcare."
"HE chose to have kids, YOU did not."
"YOU are not responsible for his needs." ~ Discount_Mithral
"And the fact that they refuse to talk to her, while she is still currently looking after their kids... OP needs to tell them she's not coming back after the 2 days of orientation."
"OP is NTA, except maybe to herself for putting up with this treatment for so long." ~ kittyfantastico85
"First of all - NTA. OP, the only one bailing someone out here is you."
"Daycare expenses would be thousands of dollars a month for 2 kids. You're giving him a HUGE discount/savings."
"They are angry as they know their gravy train is ending."
"Congratulations on the new job and enjoy your well-deserved sleep!" ~ HilVis
"Yep. I got lucky to find a great low-cost daycare when I needed it, and it was stil $260 A WEEK."
"The people watching my kid deserve to be well paid, and I wish I could do more for them every day, but I also have to pay my living expense bills, so that's the most I can afford."
"OP is getting ripped off for 2 children at only $100 a month."
"Even if it's what the parents can afford. If they can't afford more, they can't be unreasonable jerks."
"Their gratefulness should try to make up for the lack of funds." ~ level27jennybro
"If he wants to pay you a full-time salary, then sure."
"I can't believe even for a second that anyone would agree to 3-4 hrs sleep."
"He's NOT helping you."
"He's using you."
"And when your parents are gone, you'd be better off without him."
"Hon, you need to build yourself and your bank account so you never need that a**hole. NTA."
"Put a contract together if you ever watch the kids again."
"It's NO from here on out because whatever you do isn't enough." ~ Comeback_321
"NTA. 100 a month?"
"He's taking the mic."
"I don't see where he's helped you or bailed you out; only where he's expected an awful lot from you for very little."
"Instead of dealing with this, you should be celebrating your new job."
"'Now neither he nor his wife will talk to me, other than to ask when the baby last had a bottle when walking in the door because they now have to figure out childcare.'"
"I'd tell her where she can stick that bottle." ~ happybanana134
OP came back with an Update...
"Update: I just finished my orientation, and it went great!"
"I haven't really talked with my brother, but my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] started acting like nothing happened after a day or two (other than one comment about having to work more hours now)."
"The only issue I had since was a small issue as I have 3 training days next week that while not mandatory are highly encouraged so I can learn more about the products we sell and my mom said she and dad couldn't get any more days off and unless the training was mandatory or paid then I didn't need to go and could watch the kids."
"I asked my new H[uman] R[esources] and they said the training is NOT mandatory but is paid should we go to the training so my mom had no room to argue!"
"I had originally told my brother the store wouldn't open until the end of next month, but I don't think any of us accounted for all the training I would have to attend before then."
"I've got the three training days next week, a day in the week after that, and I will be finally training in the store on the 2nd of next month, before the store opens."
"This has forced my brother to move up the schedule, and now he only works half shifts so that he can be home before our mom has to go to work."
It's great that you put yourself first. OP
You're not a servant to your brother and his family.
It was time for them to get it together.
Reddit has your back.
Good luck with the new job.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp