The daunting task of carefully choosing a roommate is worth taking the time for, otherwise, it could wind up being a disaster.
Such is the risk involved to offset rental expenses until you can afford to live on your own.
Redditor JustBargeRightIn picked someone based on the goodness of his heart, but he did not predict that his new roommate would come with a frequent and problematic houseguest.
After an unpleasant surprise became a tipping point in making a decision that was a long time coming, he took to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for kicking my roommate out for something that her friend did?"
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"I am a 37 year old man and my roommate is an early-30s woman. I rent a two-bedroom house and it had a spare room, so I decided to look for a roommate last year."
"I had a couple of people interested, but a friend asked me for a favor and I let her move in. She pays about 30% of the rent because that's all she can afford."
"My roommate has one particularly good friend who she invites over regularly. I do not like that woman at all. She is loud, self-centered, and has no concept of boundaries, property, or privacy."
"She has 'accidentally' eaten my food and drunk my beer several times when she came over, and I have voiced my opinion about her to my roommate regularly."
"My roommate's response has always been 'as long as I'm paying my part of the rent, the company I keep is between them and me.'"
After tolerating this friend's behavior repeatedly, the next incident was the last straw.
"On Saturday night, she invited her friend over. As I often am in my room, I was completely naked, lying over my covers, reading a book. I like being naked and expect a reasonable amount of privacy from civilized people."
"When my roommate was in the bathroom, my door flew open like it was rammed by a siege engine. Her friend had barged in to 'surprise' me, and instead of frantically apologizing for violating my privacy (and seeing me naked), she burst out laughing as I fumbled to cover myself."
"By now my roommate had come out of the bathroom, and her friend shouted to her 'I saw his little ____!' My roommate snort-laughed loudly."
Following the humiliating incident, the OP told the roommate it was time was to go and discouraged any attempt at damage control.
"The next morning my roommate was hung over, and so I told her that her time in the house was over and that she had a month to vacate."
"I looked up the laws in my state, and since I am the only person on the lease, I can legally kick her out as long as I give her proper notice. She told me that she warned her roommate about privacy after what happened, and I told her I don't care at all."
"She brought that woman into the house, she was entertained by my embarrassment, and I wasn't comfortable living with her for another day. I told her if it were legal I'd kick her out that second."
"My roommate has been nasty with me all week, saying that she has nowhere to go. I don't care and keep telling her that she might want to start looking."
"Our mutual friend who I originally did the favor for has sided with her completely, and so I just blocked him."
"Am I going too far here, or am I not the a""hole in this case?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most Redditors were all for the OP to send the roommate packing.
"NTA. HUGE violation of your privacy and as you have warned her multiple times in the past, it's time for her to go and you to have a roommate that can respect others."
"NTA. Your roommate is responsible for her guests behaviours."
"Stealing by her friend would have been enough to kick her out. But laughing at you instead of kicking her friend out after she treated you like that was so far out of line she doesn't deserve better."
"She enabled her friend to make you feel unsafe for your privacy in your own home and nobody has to live with that. It's just the consequences of her actions." – justmy2centsforyou
"Letting her stay was also a favor. OP could have picked from numerous others but was very kind, even lessening her cut of the rent."
"He deserves nothing but respect!" – Dr_Diablo_Lechuga
"NTA. A roommate is responsible for anyone they bring into the house. The fact that this wasn't the first incident and your roommate wasn't mortified by her friend's behavior means that she's a bad roommate and it's time for her to go."
"You've given her plenty of notice and have done all that is reasonable to keep your space yours. If she didn't want to find a new place, she should've kept better company. Maybe this will be a learning experience." – minizookeeper
"Also inform her that her friend is not allowed over anymore. Ever again."
"Even if she still has a month, you should inform her that visitor privileges have been revoked." – generic_bitch
The soon-to-be ex-roommate can consider this next option.
"IMO, she's welcome to go move in with the rude friend." – hungrydruid
Redditors also cautioned for the OP to leave a paper trail.
"NTA. You might want to make sure you send her the notice by email too so you have written proof she had it so you can legally change the lock and dump her stuff on the street in a month if she hasn't done anything about getting another place." – Reignbeaus
"Not just a good idea. Legally necessary (in most states). Everything needs to be in writing. Physical writing."
"You don't have to specify a reason. Date and sign what you send. Hand it to her personally and make sure she reads it. But first check whether your state requires service by certified mail." – thehomie
"Sent to the op's address? since she also lives there? I would do everything....send an email."
"Send a certified letter. send a facebook message. Take out an ad in the local paper for notices. Literally everything you can think of just do so there is no question." – GotchaMeow
This Redditor suggested for the OP to take precautions around the house for the remainder of the rent.
"NTA at all. You've been extremely patient with your roommate. Even if your roommate technically wasn't the one who barged into your room, she is responsible for whoever she invites over and appears just as inconsiderate as her friend."
"Her lack of understanding when you asked them stop taking your beers/food and inability to at least tell her friend off are basically a symptom of her lack of respect for you."
"You've been kind to her asking for only 30% of rent and yet she is acting like you owe her the world."
"Until her 30 days are up, make sure to keep your valuables safe and change the locks as soon as she is officially evicted."
As far as his decision to kick his roommate out of the house, the OP said:
"I have a lot more confidence in my decision to kick her not only to, but well past the curb now."
Redditors agreed the OP was taken advantage of and he was left with no choice.
Hopefully, his next roommate won't be barging in on him during another private moment.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.