Among the many keys to a successful domestic partnership is ensuring that you and your partner make an effort to be on the same page.
Chances are, you and your partner will not agree on everything, and may disagree on how certain things can and should be handled.
But as long as a solution is reached that pleases both parties, a harmonious domestic life will follow.
Something that will never occur if only one half of the couple is pleased.
The husband of Redditor Enough_Reflection_77 adamantly enforced a rule anytime certain houseguests of the original poster (OP) paid a visit.
Rules that didn’t seem to apply to houseguests of the OP’s husband.
Feeling this arrangement wasn’t fair, even bordering on hypocritical, the OP confronted her husband about this.
Only to end up getting the silent treatment from him.
Concerned she may have crossed a line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for expecting my husband to not have double standards for his kids vs mine?”
The OP explained why she confronted her husband regarding what she felt was a fairly glaring double standard:
“My husband requires advanced notice of my son and grandson being at our house (my husband says it’s for ‘planning purposes’).”
“But when his son showed up unannounced and I asked him to please speak with his son about letting us know when he’s coming, my husband told me, ‘kids should feel like they can visit their parents”, and that “most parents would be happy their kid came to visit’.”
“Then he got angry, absolutely would NOT acknowledge that it’s no different than what he asks of my son and grandson, and has now been giving me the silent treatment for several weeks.”
“AITA for asking my husband to hold his 26 yr son to the same standard that he holds my 21 yr old son and my daughter’s 12 yr old son?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting her husband about his double standard.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP’s husband was only thinking of himself, and prioritizing his needs above everyone else’s, with many urging the OP to question just how healthy their marriage was:
“You’re saying ‘our house’ but he doesn’t think it’s your house.”
“It’s his house, so your kids need to give prior notice and his son doesn’t, because it’s his home too by virtue of being his child.”
“You’re a quasi-guest.”
“NTA, and he’s giving you silent treatment to make you shut up and never bring up this matter again.”
“If you apologize and make peace, you’ll have your happy home and husband back, and you’ll never bring up this partial treatment again.”- LionessStephanie
“NTA.”
“He doesn’t consider your family to be family.”
“And weeks of silent treatment are abusive.”
“I’d be done after 2 days.”
“Why are you allowing him to treat you and your family like this?”- lazyloofah
“NTA.”
“And giving you the silent treatment?”
“Wow.”
“He’s trying to punish you for him being wrong.”
“That’s a really bad sign for your marriage, sorry.”- ScarletNotThatOne
“NTA- but this dude?”
“Why are you with him?”
“Tell your kids to come over unannounced whenever they want.”
“Ex-husband can kick rocks.”- AgileSurprise1966
“Sometimes calling someone an a**hole is just not strong enough!”
“NTA, OP!”
“Not at all.”- West_House_2085
“NTA, but ‘asking’ should have been ‘demanding’.”
“This is a hill to die on.”- Swimming-City-5001
“NTA.”
“The reason he is so mad is because he knows that not only is he very wrong here, he knows that YOU are right.”
“The silent treatment is abuse, OP.”
“Protect yourself.”- PreviousPin597
“NTA.”
“‘Requires advanced notice’.”
“That is a valid point of view.”
“‘Kids should feel like they can visit their parents’.”
“This is also a valid point of view.”
“‘Double standard’.”
“The problem is really that whatever they choose should count for all children and grandchildren equally.”
“OP is right.”
“‘Silent treatment for several weeks’.”
“Also this is really concerning.”
“I mean several weeks?”
“This relationship sounds really bad.”- opelan
“NTA.”
“That was one of my ex’s weapons of choice.”
“The therapist told us the silent treatment is the most punishing form of emotional abuse.”
“You don’t say how long you’ve been married or your financial situation.”
“If you can leave this marriage, please do so for your emotional well being.”
“He’s a bully.”- TALKTOME0701
“NTA.”
“Your husband must not like your children, otherwise why would he have a double standard going on.”- RandiLynn1982
“NTA.”
“I will say the only thing that you could have changed is your husband is absolutely right that ‘kids should feel like they can visit their parents’.”
“He’s the one who should change his behavior towards your children.”-Substantial_Trip7078
“NTA.”
“What do you mean silent treatment for SEVERAL WEEKS?”- Single-Guava-7489
“NTA.”
“And your husband is a hypocrite of the highest order.”
“Simply stop asking your son and grandson to provide notice (if you don’t care about it), and your husband can deal with it, just like you do when his son drops by unannounced.”
“He’s already not speaking to you, what more is there to lose?”
“Maybe lose the husband if that’s a possibility.”- Upstairs_Fondant8540
“He’s been giving you the silent treatment for WEEKS?”
“NTA.”- MarionberryPlus8474
“NTA.”
“The silent treatment is abuse, especially for WEEKS.”
“Just get a divorce.”- Slight_Citron_7064
“Both sets of kids should be treated equally.”
“If he disagrees with this then you need to seriously question where his loyalties lie and whether he loves or even respects you!”
“NTA, unless you let this inequality continue.”- MaryMaryQuite-
“NTA.”
“Why are you with this guy?”
“Is he super rich or something?”
“Look how he treat your kids.”
“How you okay with that?”
“What are you telling yourself makes it worth it?”- Free-Place-3930
“NTA.”
“The silent treatment is for tweens who haven’t quite figured out how to manage their emotions and communicate.”
“He ain’t saying nothing because he knows he’s wrong.”
“He’s middle aged.”
“He’s too old to rely on tween behavior and should have progressed in his problem solving skills at this point.”
“I’d be more concerned that my husband has the emotional skills of a tween than who is right or wrong.”
“You’re right!”
“All kids have to call or none of them do.”
“You can’t pick and choose.”
“Personally, I need a 20 minute warning before people show up.”
“Thats enough time for me to straighten up common areas.”
“I don’t want family coming over when my house is trashed–but its not because I’m too important or busy for a quick visit from family.”
“Husband sounds exhausting.”- bibilime
“NTA.”
“But you already know that.”
“Why have you stayed with someone who’s controlling when you can and can’t see your own children and grandchildren?”
“What is the justification for that?”
“I can’t imagine any justification being good enough, and you seem to already know it is wrong, which is why you brought up his son.”
“Also, why are you allowing him to give you the silent treatment that drags on for weeks on end?”
“That is so dysfunctional, toxic, and childish.”
“If you guys can’t talk this through like adults and come to some kind of conclusion, then your relationship is doomed.”
“I would ask him to talk to you about this, and try to work it out.”
“If you can’t, or he won’t, you have a much bigger issues.”- Valuable_Many8501
“NTA.”
“If he wants warning about them you should get warning about him.”- Lurking_87
“NTA.”
“Just let your kids visit whenever they want either no advance notice.”
“No need to get his permission for this.”- snazzy_soul
“Tell your son to come over unannounced to help you move out.”
“NTA.”- WitchBalls
“NTA.”
“That double standard is insane.”
“Almost as much as a grown man given his wife the silent treatment.”- Wegotthis_12054
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood between them and their husband:
“I am moving out at the end of the week.”
“This was just one example of MANY regarding this type of behavior from him but it was the final straw for me.”
“My son and grandson just hang out in the apartment attached to the house and watch TV, play video games, and go outside and throw the football around.”
“They avoid my husband as best they can because he’s is a jerk to both of them.”
The OP’s husband is absolutely right that kids shouldn’t need an excuse to visit their parents.
He’s also not wrong that giving people a bit of a warning that you are coming is the polite thing to do.
Where he’s absolutely wrong, however, is that the OP’s family needs to give a warning, but his son can visit at any time, warning or not.
Something for him to consider should he ever wonder why his marriage to the OP failed the way it did.