They say there are no bad dogs, just bad owners. But not every breed suits every environment or owner.
A wife who disagreed with her husband about a new dog turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Pale_Stick57 asked:
"AITAH for not letting my husband get his dream dog?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context, my husband is a combat veteran with PTSD; he has nightmares semi-frequently and doesn’t do very well emotionally when he doesn’t feel safe. He has also expressed that it can be exhausting to be the sole “protector” of the home, and that he generally wishes he had some sort of external safety that he could go to when he’s having a moment of panic."
"Some friends of ours had adopted a huge 150+ lb American Akita some time ago. I’m not familiar with the circumstances, but I know he was rehomed to them as an adult. He didn’t seem aggressive the first few times we met him, maybe slightly standoffish, but I just figured we were strangers and he needed to be won over."
"Our own dog loved to play with him, and he loved to play with her. My husband absolutely fell in love with that dog, and told me that he would really love to have one, and that he would finally feel like he had that external safety if we had one of our own. He said he had never felt that safe before, except around that dog."
"One day, our friends were out of town, and asked us to check in on the dog since we had met and he knew us. For whatever reason, likely due to his family being gone, he acted as if we were total strangers when we got there. Ears back, tail tucked, licking lips and growling with his teeth bared."
"Myself, I’m a tall woman, but I’ve always been very thin and not very muscular or athletic. I had a very sudden, very scary realization that if that dog wanted to attack, I would not be able to fight him off or control him at all."
"I hate to say that day was somewhat traumatic, but I had never before come across a dog that big acting that aggressive towards me. It really put me off owning the breed at all, and I don’t know if I would ever be comfortable having one in my home."
"I’ve tried to make compromise with my husband, offering to get a different guardian breed, even one just as big, but always explaining to him that I was afraid of Akitas, and still am. But every time, we go in circles, where I’ll say I’m afraid and he’ll say another breed won’t do because only an Akita made him feel safe like that."
"To him, that day was proof of what an Akita in our ownership might do if it felt threatened on our behalf, in protection of us. To me, that day was proof that if an Akita snapped, it could cause massive injury to myself, our other pets, or our future children."
"I really do feel for my husband, and I truly want him to be able to feel safe in his own home. I just really can’t get over the fear that day instilled in me."
"I just wish there was some other solution, and that it wasn’t all or nothing on that specific breed… I even tried to compromise by saying that if we did get one, we would just need to get a puppy from a reputable breeder, and put it into intensive training pretty much immediately."
"I still wouldn’t feel truly safe, but that’s the best way I can come up with to ensure that it would never be aggressive towards us. But since I’m the one saying no, it feels like I’m saying he can’t have that feeling of safety."
"AITAH for not letting him get an Akita?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to want to feel safe around any pet they have in their home (NTA).
"NTA. An Akita is NOT an appropriate dog for someone with PTSD; they're highly reactive and will hurt innocent passersby or family members accidentally, because of responding to the person with PTSD. You need to look into getting a PTSD service dog, otherwise someone innocent, yourself included, WILL get hurt." ~ AristotlesBoyPy
"Lifelong Akita owner. Love the breed, and you’re spot on. They’re reactive, and you have to be very observant and aware of their environment. I’ve had to act fast to stop bites from happening, and was the only one to notice change in body language. The vigilance does not mix well with PTSD. Amazing breed if you’re an experienced dog handler, but not an easy breed." ~ bungh0lio
"Honestly OP’s husband may inadvertently 'mess up' any dog if he doesn’t have his stuff in order. His fear is not something to be offloaded onto a dog. He’s going to make any dog, chihuahua, mastiff, lab etc... anxious and reactive if he is not actively working on himself." ~ Dear_External5263
"I am a huge dog lover. I’ve helped with rescue groups before and have had dogs my entire existence. Akitas are the one breed that I have never fully trusted." ~ quickwitqueen
"Dogs run on vibes. Add the fact that OP is going to constantly be nervous around the dog based on this experience and you have an absolute disaster waiting to happen." ~ IamtheRealDill
"NTA, I was attacked by our neighbor's Akita while walking our well-trained German Shepard mutt—we both needed stitches. Some friends got an Akita puppy that challenged their youngest son for 'placement in the pack' when the dog had grown to about the same size as the boy, and ripped the little boy's face open."
"My brother had his hand torn up with ligaments severed and needed several surgeries when he tried to pet a friend's Akita."
"A well-trained Akita can be a great dog, but they tend to bond to only one person and become very aggressive-protective of that person. If you are afraid, the dog will pick up on that and I would be hesitant to have an Akita if I was planning on having kids." ~ AwarenessJumpy7395
"OP's husband doesn't appear to have spent any time trying to bond with other large dogs, so how does he know that only an Akita will make him feel safe? At this moment, he actually knows only two things:That one particular dog made him feel safe; he has no idea how he would feel with any other Akita, or another similarly-sized dog; and his wife feels very unsafe with Akitas right now. I would strongly suggest that he look into the many and varied groups which specifically train dogs for military veterans to assist with their PTSD." ~ GothicGingerbread
"I understand having an immediate bond with a dog—I've been there—but an immediate bond with a particular dog is absolutely not the same thing as needing a different dog of the same breed. There is absolutely no guarantee that he would have the same bond with, or get the same feeling of safety from, a different Akita; that is, quite simply, magical thinking."
"He's stressed, and tired of feeling stressed and unsafe, and he has seized on this notion that one kind of dog will cure him and fix everything—but it won't. And since he has a spouse, he cannot think only of himself here; he has an obligation to try to think rationally and objectively about this situation, because he cannot sacrifice his wife's sense of safety in his desperate effort to win his own back, and because magical thinking doesn't work in reality."
"I fear for OP and worry about the situation their husband is going to put them in, put their current pet in, on top of the situation their husband is going to put himself in because having an aggressive dog you constantly have to watch is the opposite of comforting and feeling secure. It's very isolating and he needs professional help rather than trying to self-medicate with a dog that is only going to make things more complex." ~ OrangeToTheFourth
OP provided an update:
"First, I want to thank everyone for their advice here, especially those who have shared their own personal experiences. My heart truly goes out to those who have been attacked or know someone who has, that has to be truly terrifying and I do apologize if my post came across like me being scared by one was anywhere near that level. It most certainly is not. Maybe a better way to word it would have been that it left a lasting fear."
"I mentioned in a comment, but it’s worth restating that I know it’s not fair to write off a whole breed based on one experience, in the same way that it’s not fair for my husband to latch on based on one dog. Taking all of your feedback into account, it seems that I’m justified, unfortunately."
"We will not be proceeding with an Akita at all, even a puppy that we train. Our current dog is a Samoyed; we’re familiar with more intense grooming and having to train a willful breed, but not on that level. Frankly, neither of us has the time to give an Akita the attention to training it rightly deserves."
"I’d also like to give a huge thank you to everyone giving me links for vet-specific resources; those are absolutely helpful, and I appreciate the time and effort. I will respect that effort by putting in my own to review said resources; even if we don’t end up going that route, we will certainly be much better informed of what’s out there and what to look for."
"I would like to say that I know his reasoning isn’t necessarily logical. It’s not. PTSD and hyper-vigilance are not logical. I have suggested he work on it with a therapist, and he will be looking into getting one."
"I could have done without some of the more judgmental comments, but everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is the internet. I opened myself up to that by posting in the first place."
OP doesn't feel comfortable around this breed. Even if the breed is no issue, their discomfort is likely to affect the dog's demeanor and behavior. A big dog with a frightened owner is a recipe for disaster.
