Working remotely from home has become a lifestyle many have become accustomed to.
It’s a savior for many people’s mental health.
But it isn’t always a perfect set-up.
When several people in the same house are all working from home, issues can arise quickly.
Redditor Ok_Court_4212 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for asking my B[oy]F[riend] to leave the apartment while I take online therapy?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend and I are genuinely torn on this.”
“I’m going to say my side and try to be fair and tell his side of the story as well.”
“Once a week for an hour, I have to take work assigned E[ye] M[ovement] D[esensitization] and R[eprocessing] therapy.”
“It’s for P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder], but to be fair, I don’t completely believe in it.”
“Still, once a week I have to sit there with my eyes closed, tapping myself, and the therapist basically brings up the ‘traumatizing incident’ and I have to tell her how I feel, etc.”
“It’s not pleasant, it’s kind of embarrassing, and I really don’t want my boyfriend to overhear any of it.”
“Boyfriend works from home and has a completely flexible schedule, so he’s usually ok with leaving for that hour- he goes to a coffee shop, what have you.”
“Last night, however, he told me he feels that it’s unfair that he has to leave the place because he had work to do.”
“Most of the time, he can work from anywhere, but this bit of work needed to be done on his home computer.”
“I tried to explain how difficult it would be for me to focus, how uncomfortable I’d be, and that I just couldn’t focus on it.”
“The boyfriend did offer to put on headphones and go into another room.”
“But in the back of my mind, I would be constantly wondering if he can hear anything, maybe he’s walking around, etc.”
“Normally, he leaves without a problem, but he brought up that he thinks it’s unfair that he has to leave every week.”
“I explained that if he doesn’t, I might as well cancel the session, because I can’t get into it.”
“He’s fine to leave, but if he feels like he has work to do, he doesn’t think it’s fair.”
“I believe that since his schedule is 100% flexible and all I ask for is 1 hour a week, that if it’s really important to me, I’d appreciate it if he left.”
“He thinks he’s being accommodating by leaving most of the time, but he says I’m not being accommodating by asking him to leave every time.”
“Again, this one hour a week is all I ask.”
“Please let us know your thoughts!”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“YTA: You need to stop saying his schedule is 100% flexible.”
“He has been completely supportive and willing to accommodate your needs up until now; however, he is making it clear to you that there are some occasions when he can’t work elsewhere and needs to be in front of his home computer at that time.”
“You are not listening to him and continuing to insist that his schedule is totally flexible when it isn’t.”
“He has offered you reasonable compromises.”
“I think you are being inflexible.” ~ Impossible_Rain_4727
“I mean… I hear you, but nah.”
“I’m in therapy for trauma and also do EMDR.”
“I really cannot imagine asking my live-in partner to leave weekly so I can have the entire house to myself for therapy.”
“And in fact, it seems like OP’s partner does do that, and this is an exception.”
“They’re in a different room, they offered to put on headphones, and they don’t seem to have any intention of listening in or being present for the session in any way.”
“OP is being way too rigid.”
“This was an exceedingly reasonable ask.”
“As the parent comment says, there are so many workarounds that just do not necessitate OP’s partner’s work having to suffer; it’s just not the option that OP prefers.”
“Personally, this feels like an example of someone making their mental health issue someone else’s problem instead of trying to work together to find a solution.” ~ varshhi
“I agree- I also did EMDR and trauma therapy, and I don’t think OP is really into doing it.”
“Not that I found it enjoyable, it isn’t, but it’s necessary to recover or get better.”
“‘OP doesn’t really believe in it,’ so I doubt they will get much from it with that attitude.”
“It’s also unfair to demand the entire home be theirs for the duration of the session, especially when it interrupts her partner’s work.”
“He’s been accommodating and supportive; this is the first time he has pushed back, and there is a reason for it.”
“Feels like OP wants an excuse to cancel their therapy.” ~ Lulubelle__007
“IT guy here.”
“For some companies, it is a requirement that although they can work remotely, they can’t just work anywhere, like in a public area, if they are working with sensitive info.”
“I am in a similar situation as you, OP, and if he said he is going to use headphones, have some faith in him.”
“I personally use headphones when my wife is in her appointments.”
“Gonna say soft YTA on this one.” ~ NinjaTank707
“Oof, yeah, I mean, this is tricky.”
“I think I land on YTA, gently.”
“I completely see where you’re coming from that it’s not optimal to have another person in the house when you’re doing that… but the reality is, you don’t live alone.”
“It sounds like your bf has left without a problem every other time, but when he found that leaving disrupted the work he needed to do, he let you know politely and reasonably.”
“He’s also offering to put on headphones and be invisible to you by going into another room, whereas the only option you’re willing to entertain is him leaving the place entirely, every time.”
“Your remark that if he doesn’t leave, then you’ll need to just cancel isn’t fair; cancel if you want, that’s your prerogative, but it’s your choice and not your BF’s responsibility.”
“When you don’t live alone, there may be times when you’re not able to 100% guarantee you have the house to yourself because the other people who pay to live there… also get to be there.”
“I’m sorry.” ~ nefarious_planet
“I used to do therapy at home when I was recovering from back surgery, and I was trying to do EMDR at home as well.”
“At the time, my husband also worked from home.”
“One thing that worked well for us is we got a white noise machine.”
“I would plug it in right outside our bedroom door and turn it up pretty loud, and that way he couldn’t hear anything that was being said.” ~ Embarrassed_You_6177
“YTA. You haven’t offered any compromises or alternative solutions whatsoever.”
“Your question is not about whether or not you deserve privacy.”
“He has agreed to that principle already.”
“The question is whether it can be compromised when he is put into a difficult and extenuating circumstance.”
“You said no.”
“And didn’t seem to offer any type of discussion, alternative solution, or apology.”
“Can it not be rescheduled to a day when his work can be done at the coffee shop?”
“You didn’t put in any effort.”
“That’s what he is seeing and trying to discuss.”
“He thinks you are selfish.” ~ into-resting
“YTA. Look, I get it, you want privacy.”
“It’s his home too, though, and you can’t just kick him out when he is also trying to work.”
“Especially since it sounds like he normally works with you and agrees to leave, and it sounds like he’s just asking to stay occasionally.”
“Saying you’ll skip therapy if he doesn’t leave comes off like you’re trying to guilt him into doing what you want as well.”
“I think a sound barrier and trust are your best options.”
“You have to believe that he will try not to listen.”
“Play ambient music outside the door, turn a loud fan on outside the door, and try to stay as far away as the sound spreads.”
“You can even test it by playing something on your phone and seeing how well it can be heard.”
“Honestly, though, if he’s saying he’ll wear headphones, you should try to trust him.”
“My husband does his therapy in the house.”
“I turn the TV on loud and turn it up if I think I can even slightly hear that’s my partner, and if he wants privacy, he can trust me to provide it.”
“If none of those work, maybe take a walk or sit in your car if it’s an option.”
“You can’t insist he leave every single time, though, even when he needs to work.” ~ Orangeboysnewhome
“I think YTA a bit.”
“It’s his home too, and it’s unfair to expect him to drop everything and leave when he’s in the middle of working.”
“Going to another room with the door closed seems sufficient here.”
“Especially if he’s also wearing headphones, he’s not going to hear anything.”
“It sounds like he’s willing to do what you want the majority of the time, but if he has work to do that specifically needs to be done on his home computer, that is a legitimate reason to stay.”
“And if you don’t believe in this stuff anyway, I’m not sure why this is the hill you want to die on.” ~ ConflictGullible392
“YTA. I’m a therapist.”
“If you can’t trust him to wear headphones to give you privacy, then that’s a bigger issue.”
“If you can, it’s really not fair at all to expect him to leave your shared home while you’re in therapy.”
“If you’re doing telehealth, it’s your responsibility to attend from a safe and private space.”
“If you don’t have a private space, it’s your responsibility to attend in person.” ~ peak-baggins
OP came back with an Update…
“I do not have a car, and I can’t go to a library because it has to be done with no people around.”
“We have decided that I would reach out to the therapist and ask if it’s possible to do it at a time that’s preferable to my boyfriend.”
“Thanks for the responses!”
Reddit had issues with your choices, OP.
If your BF needs to work, he needs to work.
It’s a shared space; these problems will arise.
It’s great to hear y’all could find a compromise.
Good Luck.