Though we don't like to think about it, the reason some relationships do not last forever has nothing to do with the couple but instead external circumstances, like an accident or illness.
While some people will choose to remain single the rest of their lives to honor their late relationship, some will eventually start dating again, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, but not all new partners are created equal.
Redditor bloobityboo started dating someone about four years after their late husband suddenly passed away, and while things were fun for a while, the relationship shifted significantly once they moved in together.
When their partner began to demand that they pack away any signs of their late husband because he felt it was "unfair" to him to see them, the Original Poster (OP) started to wonder what to expect next from the relationship.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to take down a small display for my deceased husband, even though my new boyfriend thinks it's 'unfair' to him?"
The OP still missed their late husband after six years.
"My husband passed away in late 2018. It was sudden, it was devastating, and I still miss him."
"He was only 33, and I was 29 when it happened."
"He had been my best friend for almost half my life, way before it became a romantic relationship that eventually led to us getting married in 2014."
The OP later dated a man who they were also really happy with.
"Fast forward to today and I've (now 35) found love again with a new man (36 Male). We've been together for about two years."
"He was married for 12 years and had five kids before his wife left him due to his temper problems. They were only officially divorced for a year before we met, so yeah, he's my second choice, but I'm his, too."
"I'm super supportive of him maintaining a positive relationship with his ex-wife, and I encourage him to join her for family events and to be patient with her when he thinks she's being difficult, and I of course want him to spend time with his children."
"Five months ago he moved in with me."
"It was going pretty well until a couple of weeks ago."
"This man has always been so patient and understanding. We had a bunch in common and would get each other's references to old cartoons and movie quotes. He laughed at my bad jokes."
Once they lived together, the OP realized they looked at quality time differently.
"Every now and then, he'd get moody when he'd want to watch TV with me and I would get caught up in a painting or project. To be fair, this happens a lot. I don't like watching TV when we could be doing something else, and I have a lot of hobbies and just started a small business."
"I feel like one or two movies a month seems sufficient and it's basically the only activity he ever suggests. I try things like working on something in the same room as he watches something (parallel play, you know?), but apparently, it only counts as 'quality time together' if I'm also watching with him."
"I don't get it, but this was the biggest problem we had until recently."
But then a much more troubling issue came up.
"A couple of weeks ago, out of nowhere, he started acting very angry and insecure."
"He keeps bringing up events or statements he says I made months ago and accusing me of 'hiding things.'"
"I know that I haven't done anything I'd have to lie to him about, so even if I don't remember a particular comment I made last February or something, I can be sure that it wasn't anything meant to deceive him or mask my secret doings or whatever."
"I don't have the time or energy to be in a relationship where I have to hide stuff, and if it came to that, I would rather be single."
"I don't understand what the logic is behind being jealous or insecure. I trust that he wants to be with me because he is. If the only reason he didn't leave me for his ex or any other woman is that he didn't have access or opportunity to do so, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. When it comes to cheating, my thoughts are: If another woman can take my man, she can have him."
The OP's boyfriend began to complain about one small area of their home.
"In our bedroom, there's a nook in a corner where I keep my business supplies and a tall bookshelf that I mostly use for general storage. There are several bins and my sewing machine and of course, some books. You can't see any of it from the main part of the room, but I use it regularly."
"Taking up maybe one-fourth of one shelf (just under a foot long), I have a place where I display a little urn with some of my husband's ashes, a mug he got me that says 'Wifey,' a little stuffed Minnie doll, and an infinity cube I decorated years ago that says I (HEART) U. Behind this, there's a picture of my husband kissing my cheek."
"My boyfriend told me last night that it's disrespectful and unfair to him that I have that up in our room because I'm not married to him anymore."
"He insisted that he and I are now together now and he shouldn't have to look at me with another man. I assume this is where the 'hiding things' accusation came from, because he realized those things were up there after looking around in the nook of the room."
The OP refused to listen to their boyfriend's demands.
"I would agree with that if my husband wasn't dead, but he is."
"And to be clear, it doesn't look like a 'shrine' or anything. I have confined the mementos of my deceased husband to one tiny section of my home."
"And it doesn't matter if I have 100 more boyfriends or even husbands. My late husband will always be a member of my family. As such, it's kind of my duty to remember him and to honor his memory."
"He is not going to be forgotten and I refuse to downplay his significance to me and the person I am today because 1/3000 sq ft of our home is offending my new man's fragile ego."
"Am I wrong for being firm on this? For the record, this whole display is easy to overlook and he doesn't have anything in that little enclave of the room, so he wouldn't have to see it if he didn't try to. He could visually avoid it entirely for the rest of time."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they had every right to keep memories of their late husband in their home.
"NTA. You've got a late husband, not an ex-husband. You didn't break up, he died. You're allowed to keep reminders of your late husband around for as long as you want, or forever." - somethingstrange87
"My brother married a widow. She has photos from her first marriage, right next to the ones of my brother's and her wedding."
"There are random photos of her first husband all over the house, though over the years, she has taken some down, on her own."
"I asked him once if it bothered him. He just shrugged and said, 'No. Should it? It's just pictures.'"
"I always thought that made my brother that much more awesome."
"That's how your boyfriend should be treating you, OP. His actions are not it. NTA." - poohfan
"A great-uncle of mine served in WW2 and was married just before he left. He died in the Pacific in 1942. His wife eventually remarried and died in 2018."
"Her family included her first husband in the OBITUARY out of respect for him and for her love for him, even though she didn't have any children with him and he'd been dead for 76 years."
"I don't remember if her second husband out-lived her, but you can guarantee that either way her second husband respected his memory and wouldn't have dared ask her to take a memorial down of him. No way he or his kids would have included it unless it was a present part of their lives."
"Your boyfriend can do so much better. NTA." - Kathubodua
"NTA. As a widower of 10 years, I have to say that if your partner feels threatened by your memories of your late spouse, you may want to rethink your current relationship." - Stormyone318
"I am amazed at the number of people (on Reddit, at least) who genuinely seem to not understand the difference between 'ex' and 'late' partner."
"An ex-spouse is someone you dated, slept with, and were engaged or married to, and then you broke up. That person is still alive but no longer in your life. By choice."
"A late spouse is someone to whom you were married (or in a serious relationship, dating or engaged) who passed away. That person is no longer alive, and their death is the reason you are no longer together."
"Calling a deceased spouse an ex is wrong and also offensive."
"Also, many, many, MANY people keep memory boxes of their past relationships. They keep photos and ticket stubs and other things from people they have broken up with BY CHOICE. Keeping some photos and things visible in your home, and not even that visible, for someone you only 'left' because they DIED is so reasonable, I can't even handle it."
"NTA, OP. Grow up, boyfriend, or go be an ex." - BecGeoMom
Others agreed and were disgusted by how jealous and insecure the boyfriend was.
"Your boyfriend is 10,000% jealous of a deceased man. He's acting very immature and childish. He needs to grow up." - Jenniyelf
"You are not holding onto 'the one that got away.' You are holding on a REASONABLE AMOUNT to the memories of the one who literally died. And it sounds very discreet and sentimental and sweet and, again, totally reasonable. NTA." - RainbowUnicornPoop16
"It's just a private tribute to your late husband and a part of your healing process. That new guy's insecurity and demands seem unreasonable, especially since the display is in a part of the room he can't even see without choosing to go see it."
"In a weird way, it feels like a jealous ex spying on their happy ex's social media accounts. They don't have to go look, so any hurt they experience is of their own doing, by going to check those accounts. But the big, big difference here is that this is no ex or lover; this is your husband who died."
"And your boyfriend still has a choice in whether or not to see these things. If he doesn't like seeing them, he should stop seeking them out." - Icy-Location3169
"He's jealous of a dead guy. He's so insecure, immature, and selfish that he's literally JEALOUS OF A DEAD GUY."
"Plus, based on the other stuff the OP said, he sounds super controlling. Why does he always want her to do his things (she doesn't even like watching movies that much) but doesn't ever want to do any of her things (at least from what she told us) and also wants her to hide some of her most sentimental things away? I'm not convinced this guy is it." - Magerimoje
"He's jealous of a dead man. He's jealous of her hobbies. He's jealous of her business. He's jealous of the space she uses in her OWN home. If he has any good points, beyond laughing at her jokes and getting some pop culture references (which isn't hard with how much TV it sounds like he wants to watch...), I'm not spotting them."
"It sounds like you really downgraded, OP, I'm sorry." - Irishwol
Not only did the subReddit support the OP in not removing the mementos that reminded them of their late husband, but they also questioned how good of a partner the OP had actually landed.
From demanding the OP to spend quality time the way he wanted to, to accusing them of hiding things, to now demanding that they remove signs of a previous relationship, this did not sound like the beginnings of a healthy, trusting, and loving relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.