It can be hard not to judge other people for partaking in unhealthy, if legal, habits.
However, people have the right to live the way they so choose, even if they are putting their own health at risk.
As a result, the most we can do is remind them of the risks they are putting themselves under, but leave them to make their own decisions.
Redditor GabrielForests, however, wasn’t quite so willing to sit silently when he saw his wife put her health in jeopardy.
So much so that the original poster (OP) even got his wife’s friends involved in helping him.
Much to his wife’s annoyance.
Worried he may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for calling out my wife’s smoking in front of her friends?”
The OP explained why they felt it was necessary to get his wife’s friends to help her break a notoriously unhealthy and addictive habit.
“My wife has a genetic disorder that we just found out about causing her to form blood clots very easily.”
“She had a very serious incident about 6 months ago, was in the hospital for 2 weeks,”
“And will now be on medication for life when her doctors they figured out the issue.”
‘She’s a social smoker it only does it every now and then, typically with her friends and when she’s having a drink.”
“However I’ve explained to her how dangerous it is coupled with her medical condition to be smoking at all.”
“I haven’t made much progress and she smoked a number of times, 3-4, since she’s left the hospital.’
‘Finally yesterday at a party I confronted her in front of her friends, 7 or so at a party at our house, and I told them how serious her condition is.”
“I was very polite and I asked them for their help to try to influence her to stop.”
“I apologize for having to bring this up at a party but it’s very serious and I’m worried that she will not stop without their insistence.”
“Obviously she’s very annoyed at me and hasn’t spoken to me for the last day.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for asking his wife’s friends to get her to stop smoking at a party.
Most felt that however embarrassing that may have been for the OP’s wife, the OP was only thinking of her health and safety, and she needed to heed his warnings.
“NTA.”
‘You don’t want your partner that you care and love for to end up in the hospital again or worse, die.”
“So yeah I think it is justified.”
“I mean between ’embarrassing’ the partner or not letting her get a life-threatening issue, it is not a hard decision to make.”
“People here just only care ‘oh she’s a grown woman and can make her own decision’.”
“Anyone here who has some sense would do the same for their loved one or try something because they actually care.”- kaizersigma
“NTA.”
“But in the end, it’s your wife’s decision.”
“You need to decide if you want to be left paying her medical bills.”- InflationSensation13
“NTA.”
“‘It’s her life comments’, sure, as long as you aren’t married.”
“But you are, your lives are entangled together, you are the one who will take care of her if she’s sick, you’re the one who will pay the medical bills, you will be the one to do all the legwork while she’s in the hospital and you’ll be the one paying for her funeral and left with the mortgage if you have any.”
“If you have kids, they will be left without a mother and you will be left to be a single parent.”
“You cannot help it when your partner gets sick, but in your case, you actually can.”
“If she’s making her condition deliberately worse, it’s very selfish, as you will be the one left with the consequences of her decisions.”
“Her decisions are and will, negatively, impact you.”
“It’s not as simple as ‘it’s her body, her life’ anymore.”
“It’s your shared life, and she’s jeopardizing it.”– so_lost_im_faded
“NTA.”
‘All the 14 year olds commenting here don’t know what it’s like to have someone you love who is seriously ill and not taking their condition seriously.”
‘This isn’t a damn hangnail she is refusing to cut: this could kill or, or cause a stroke that permanently disables her.”
‘Every time OP watches her smoke, he’s watching her roll the dice on an untimely death.”
“How can you say you ‘love’ someone and not want to use all the freely available tools to try to convince them to stop hurting themselves?”
“NTA at all.”
“I hope her friends support her quitting and stop smoking around her or giving her cigarettes.”-Pharmacienne123
“Your wife wants to smoke more than she wants to live.”
“I don’t blame you for trying whatever tactics are at your disposal.”
“NTA.”- columbospeugeot
There were others however who felt that while the OP was justified in his behavior, also couldn’t blame his wife for continuing to smoke as it was probably comforting, so calling her out in front of her friends might not have been the best solution.
“I have had to resort to emotional blackmail to get my parents to take their health seriously.”
‘They are doctors themselves, but refuse to follow the advice given to them by their own doctors.’
‘My mom needs to do a GI MRI with contrast and a spinal MRI; my dad needs to do an angio.”
“With great difficulty, I managed to get him to check his creatinine, a prerequisite before injecting the contrast.”
‘Ultimately I have given them a deadline, clear your schedules before Nov 14 or I won’t talk to you until you get the test done.”
‘I had to do the same thing to get her to do a mammography and pap.”
“When though she’s an OBGYN, she says she has no time.”
“Doctors really make the most annoying patients.”
“I know it’s kinda mean, but how to make them take things seriously?”
“So I really get where OP is coming from.”
“Desperation makes you feel really helpless.”
“And probably OP’s wife is still smoking to have some semblance of normalcy and have a feeling of control when you feel like your life is spiraling and you can do nothing to stop it.”
“It sounds like escapism and it is very natural.”
‘They should try and seek counseling?”
“But I’d say NAH. Both are doing what they think is right.”
“And to an extent, it’s understandable behavior, at least from my experience.”
“But maybe I’m biased.”- roaringleopard
“NAH.”
“I have a heart condition, and even though I’ve quit smoking, I have a cigar every now and again.”
“No, it’s not good for you, we all know it.”
“However having a constant ‘ThAtS nOt GoOd FoR yOu’ is enough to make me want to pick up the habit again.”
“You care for her, she’s an adult.”
“You’ve said your piece, and that’s that.”
“Not really a lot you can do, but YWBTA if you keep informing her every time she decides to have a dart.”- Billy_SHPOS
“Hi, someone with a chronic terminal illness here.”
“I know you’re scared and you’re trying to gain some control over the situation to feel less scared.”
“I get that, but SHE’S the patient.”
“She’s the one who’s sick, and you have to let her deal with it how she wants.”
“If you try to micromanage her illness for her the only thing it’s going to do is drive a wedge between you two.”
“You’re going to get resentful of her for making you ‘take care of her’.”
“And she’s going to resent you for micromanaging her illness.”
“It’s her job to manage the risk factors for her illness.’
“Not yours.”
“With my condition caffeinated drinks are not great for me.”
“I don’t drink coffee but will occasionally have a coke.’
“If someone I was dating constantly nagged me about drinking a coke and then tried to get all my friends to do the same thing, I would break up with them.’
‘I know you’re scared, but she has to manage her illness, not you.’
“NAH.”- sicnevol
“NAH.”
“You’re allowed to be worried and share your worries with both your wife and the people who care for her.”
“I think it’s good to let her friends know especially if your wife is a social smoker.”
‘That said I don’t see why 3-4 cigarettes in 6 months is a big deal’.”
‘I do understand why your wife is upset but I hope she’ll realize that you do have reasons to worry.”
“I was born with chronic liver issues but sometimes I will get a drink or down painkillers.”-
No one likes to be told how to live their life.
So one can’t really blame the OP’s wife for being annoyed by her husband getting her friends to gang up on her.
Hopefully, she might understand that the OP was truly only thinking of her, and not wanting their time together to be cut short.
Whether or not she’ll quit smoking is of course her choice and her choice alone.
But hopefully, she’ll at least consider his advice.