When planning for the inevitable, you need to decide who is going to handle your affairs. While you may think you don’t have anything, even something as small as access to bank accounts can make things easier for loved ones.
Redditor K8ti399 isn’t at the age to start worrying about that kind of thing, though. The original poster (OP)’s mother however, is insistent she prepare.
OP isn’t sure it’s necessary, and suspects ulterior motives for her mother’s request. To figure out if she was wrong to refuse, OP decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
What did OP’s mom want her to do?
“AITA for not giving my mom my passwords?”
What could her mother be afraid of?
“Ok this sounds dumb I know, but I (22F[emale]) am going on spring break this upcoming week with my friends to Florida. I go to university in Texas and I am also from Texas so it’s about a 12 hour drive.”
“My mom has always been a worrier, which I understand because I’m the youngest and only girl, however sometimes she worries too much.”
“This situation happened today and she was discussing with me how she was worried about what would happen if we get into a car accident on the drive to Florida and I died. I asked her what she meant specifically and she said she wanted to know my passwords for my phone, email, social media, etc. so she could I guess go through it if I died.”
“She has asked me this before and I’ve always said no because I’m an adult and I think it’s odd she’s asking.”
“I told her again no in this instance and she started crying. Like fully crying.”
“My mom doesn’t ever cry so I was so confused as to if I was the asshole for saying no. Like should I just give them to her to make her happy?”
“It’s not that I’m hiding anything, I just think that if I die it would be easy for the police or someone to go through my stuff. What do y’all think? Also sorry for editing mistakes, I’m on my phone.”
It’s a strange request and an even strange predicament. OP believes her mother has other reasons to want her passwords, but her mother is actually crying over this, a rare occurrence.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to give her mother her passwords by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board commenters immediately saw through OP’s mom’s motives. The reason she gave isn’t a very good one to ask for OP’s online passwords.
Is OP’s mom’s first thought going to be her daughter’s social media accounts after she passes?
Yeah, OP isn’t wrong to refuse her mom’s request.
“NTA. It’s not IF you die. She will look through it either way. She’s trying to manipulate you into letting her invaded your privacy by crying.” – plxqjs
“I’d be tempted to give her fake passwords to everything. Mom would probably call before daughter is even out of town to say that the passwords don’t work.” – Nachocheese50
“I’m petty so I’d make fake secondary accounts so when she logged in the display name would be like ‘lying snoop’ or have a single email or file saved with a paragraph how she’s a lying manipulative snoop and she’s can’t be trusted as far as she could be thrown.” – GreenArcherNeedsFood
“NTA – You are entitled to your privacy and I believe this continues when you die. Your mother has no reason for needing your passwords and if she thinks this is a good idea, she needs to book a session with a therapist.” – ElectricMoccoson
“NTA – and she is not going to wait until you die to log into your accounts. Her crying was just manipulation to make you doubt yourself, which worked.”
“Don’t give her the passwords…or, give her fake passwords. She’ll try to use them, but they won’t work. She can’t confront you about it without admitting she tried to use them while you were still alive, and she’ll stop asking for them for the same reason (‘Mom, I already gave them to you!’)” – Himkano
“NTA. I’d think about giving her the names of insurance companies and bank details, but no wAy in hell would I be handing passwords.”
“As terrible as it sounds, she would be able to gain access to what she needed through probate etc. she doesn’t need emails or anything personal like that.”
“Have a great trip!” – Gr0uchPotato
Some other commenters just had to question why OP even bothered entertaining this idea.
Or why OP was still talking to her mother when her brothers apparently don’t.
“NTA this sounds so invasive.” – wkendwench
“I know! She does stuff like this all the time. None of my brothers talk to her anymore and I’m the only one that trying to put up with her.” – K8ti399 (OP)
“Just want to mention… you do not owe people forgiveness just because they are family.”
“I won’t pretend you should cut ties too over this or anything, just that it’s important to take into consideration that you have no obligation to put up with this kind of behavior just because she is your mom.”
“But as another user said, she may need a deeper conversation about why she is so scared in this instance. It’s not normal to be that petrified a child will die on a trip.” – SlammyWhammies
“Your mom’s manipulative, and she’s gonna go through your sh** because she’s nosy. While you’re alive. Probably seconds after you give her the passwords.”
“Call her bluff. Tell her you’ll just deactivate your sh** in case you die. Also, what a lunatic reason, did she really keep a straight face while explaining her first concern in the event of your death is your instagram? NTA. Have fun on vacation” – drulaps
“Yeah she got angry at first, and I said (in a joking tone) ‘why do you can snoop?’ Then she started yelling at me and broke down in tears.”
“She started talking about how I don’t trust her and all this stuff. I felt bad” – K8ti399 (OP)
Building on all of this, some commenters were very concerned for the wellbeing of OP. Her relationship with her mother is somewhat toxic, and needs professional moderation.
Basically, OP might want to look into therapy.
“NTA. What? You’re 22 years old. She sounds manipulative. If she’s your emergency contact in case anything happens then that’s it.”
“Why would she need your passwords for anything. It sounds to me like she wants to take control of your life as she feels you slipping away and growing up.”
“Was she always this intrusive? Her behavior is a real big stretch from over protective to invasive.” – ChimiJae123
“Yeah she’s always been like kinda manipulative. I only became aware of it in highschool when I saw a video about narcissistic parents.”
“None of my older brothers even speak to her anymore.” – K8ti399
“Get therapy and really set your boundaries with her. You don’t owe her anything. She’s going too far.”
“If she can’t handle your boundaries cut her off. Therapy can be a good tool to help you set boundaries and help you not feel guilty when she tries to push those boundaries and you draw that line.”
“I personally deal with this with not only my parents but my siblings as I am the oldest. But seeking therapy really helped me deal with this and many other things in my life.” – ChimiJae123
“Therapy is good because your ‘normal meter’ is a bit wonky due to her influence, and this is evidenced by the fact you are feeling bad for having very reasonable limits. How we are raised has a major influence on what is our default, at least until we have reason to question what normal actually is.”
“Important note: boundaries are not things we impose on other people, because we can’t control how others behave. Boundaries are things we use to define how WE will react to situations.”
“Think of your boundaries as moats with drawbridges that we have ready to use to protect our space; those drawbridges only affect others when they inappropriately try to force their way in. In a healthy relationship most of the time those drawbridges never require use.”
“If you find anxiety increasing and spoiling your peace of mind, take 30- 60 seconds to close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Count 4 seconds on the in breath; then 4 seconds on the out breath.”
“You can even do this out in public, just keep your eyes open and focus on the breath; no one will ever know that you are doing it :)”
“Enjoy your time off!” – Anseranas
There are ways that people can access your social media after you pass, or you can leave passwords for people in a file. But that’s not what this is about.
In the end, OP’s mom just wanted to assert another level of control over her daughter, something her brothers decided they were done with. At this point, OP could try to fix the relationship, but no one would blame her for walking away.