Redditor throwaway___mum has a son from a previous marriage, a stepdaughter, and an LGBTQ daughter with her new husband.
When she learned of new development within the family, her marriage began to dissolve because her view in regards to the revelation conflicted with that of her husband’s.
Seeking validation from strangers for her unwavering stance, she visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for refusing to accept my sons relationship with his step-sister?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained how her family came together:
“Some backstory, when my son Nathan was 2, he met a friend in his daycare class, who we’ll call Abby. Her dad, Jack, was one of the only other single parents there as his wife had left after Abby was born.”
“Jack and I bonded over our children and ended up dating for a year and a half before getting married, and we had our daughter Eliza less than a year later.”
“Jack and I always raised all three of our children the same, and though they knew that Nathan had a different dad and Abby had a different mum, we had never thought to question if they saw each other as siblings.”
“Then, last week, Abby and Nathan sat Jack and I down and told us that they had something important to say. Abby started in about how for the past few years her and Jack had been in a romantic relationship.”
“She said that it happened after they were both adults, that they had gone to relationship counselling when it first started and that they were seriously thinking about marriage.”
“Nathan then told us that they had admitted to having feelings for each other as teenagers, but had never acted on it because they were afraid of ruining their friendship, hurting each other, and most of all what we would think.”
“At this point, Jack looked at me, grabbed my hand and hugged our children. He told them that he was sorry for us keeping them apart and that he ‘could tell how happy they are together’. I just got up and left.”
“Where I might be the a**hole:”
“My husband is right, they do look happy together. In fact, I’ve never seen my son or daughter happier. But I just can’t accept this. I haven’t responded to any of their messages or calls, and pretended I wasn’t home when they tried to visit during the day.”
“I’ve been fighting with Jack since this happened, even so far as telling him that if it were my choice they would never have my blessing, and I would put them both in therapy for having incestuous desires.”
“This really upset him, and the fighting got so bad that I had him sleep in the guest house. I’ve never gone this long without talking to my children. I’ve never fought my husband.”
“I have no idea how to navigate this, and every time I think about it their whole relationship just makes me sick and angry. That being said, I know I’m hurting my children. I know I’m hurting my husband.”
“Where Jack might be the a**hole:”
“Since Abby and Nathan told us of their relationship, Jack has been going on tirades about how unsupportive I am, about how bad of a mother I am, and about how I didn’t do this to Eliza (she’s gay, and he’s been comparing her and her girlfriends relationship to Nathan and Abby’s).”
“He’s even threatened me with divorce, how he would get full custody of Eliza (she’s 17) and how he would ‘take me to the cleaners’ if I didn’t accept our children. He hasn’t talked to Nathan or Abby about my reaction, but he has threatened to.”
“So, reddit. Am I the A**hole?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors declared NTA and expressed their opposition to the relationship between the two oldest siblings – both of whom are 22 and will be 23 in a few months.
“Lol you people are crazy for acting like OP should be totally fine with this new f’ked up family dynamics. If these kids were raised as siblings since they were 2 years old, then their repatriation is far more gross and inappropriate than if they were cousins who are related by blood but have never met each other before they were adults.”
“OP it’s fine that you are upset. This situation is f’ked up and it’s pretty insane that your husband compares it to the fact that you accepted your younger daughter’s gay relationship.”
“Like, if your son and your step-daughter get married, have kids and then divorce (which, ya know, happens in 5 out of 10 marriages according to statistics) your family will be a mess! I feel sorry for you, really. NTA.” – angry_baboon
“Not to mention those kids parents will also be their aunt and uncle. Like these people are SIBLINGS they have a whole other sibling.”
“It’s weird and insane that people are defending this when they’ve grown up their entire lives as brother and sister.” – CelastrusTrust
“Honestly I don’t think your TA for being weirded out by this. I have step siblings that have been around since I was a kid and the thought of marrying one makes me cringe.”
“AND I actually kind of think that your husband is TA for expecting you to be all sunshine and roses over it immediately, without giving you a chance to work out your own feelings at your own pace.”
“He invalidated your feelings because he’s happy so why aren’t you and that’s not ok either. You WERE wrong to make him sleep in the guest house, you can’t kick someone out of their own home. If you needed space, it was on YOU to sleep in the guest house.”
“But are you willing to lose your entire family over your objection? To have your husband leave, lose your oldest 2 children and maybe your youngest too? To never know your grandchildren?” – Fairykinn
The OP’s father was identified as TA based on his reaction.
“My brother and I are both adopted and not biologically related. I could NEVER imagine being in a relationship with him 🤯 he is my brother, biological or not.”
“There has got to be some psychological issue here that they really need to work through with extensive therapy. You could possibly be considered TA for your reaction.”
“Instead of getting everyone the help they need and treating this as any other psychological illness (which I cannot see how it isn’t!) you are ignoring them which doesn’t help anyone. I can’t blame you for having a negative reaction to it though.”
“Your husband is 100% TA though, especially comparing their relationship to your gay daughter’s relationship which is not even remotely the same. I highly recommend going to family therapy all together to work through everything and making sure the therapist is aware they were raised together.” – mother_of_warriors
“NTA. Y’all have bigger problems than just Nathan and Abby hooking up, your husband is fine with this, worse encouraging it. And abusing you to make you accept this incredibly inappropriate relationship.” – BeholdAWoMan
“NTA and I know I’m going against the majority here. They were raised as siblings. They lived as siblings. They didn’t just meet as teens and fall in love after you were married. They were around 5 when you got married.”
“I think that you don’t need to support the relationship. If your husband is still going to act like this, divorce him. It’s not just a difference of agreeing and disagreeing with it. He’s actively being an a**hole about it.”
“Threatening to divorce and take your youngest? Nah dude, that’s not right. You’re fully allowed to have your feelings and so is he. He’s not allowed to make you feel like a terrible mom and person for it.”
‘”our kids are in a relationship that’s not of the norm. They are siblings, not by blood. But still siblings. I wouldn’t support it either. They were raised together long enough that it’s not something that’s okay to most people.”
“I would be fine with it if they became siblings in their teens. That age they wouldn’t have been raised as siblings for too long. But this? Too much and beyond Reddit’s pay grade.”
“But you are NOT a terrible mom. This blindsided you and you’re allowed to not support it. Despite what the a**hole you married said; it’s not the same as your gay daughter.” – RyotsGurl
The OP edited her post to include the following details:
“Both of my children have admitted the therapist did not know they were raised together, at all.”
“Sorry, it’s getting hard to respond to everyone. Yes, we are going into therapy together. No, I’m not still ignoring my children.”
The OP later wrote an update in a separate thread.
“I’ve just messaged Nathan and Abby to say that I’m sorry for avoiding them the past few days, but that I’m a bit uncomfortable with their relationship.”
“I asked if they would consider meeting with a family therapist, with just myself and them first, then my husband after he has calmed down and eventually maybe Eliza, as I do not know the appropriate way to explain this to her. I am still concerned their relationship is not healthy.”
“I am still concerned they will hurt each other. But I am not, nor did I EVER intend to, losing my children over this.”
Redditors continued giving their two cents over the complex situation.
“Not the a**hole btw. They have a mutual sister and were grown as siblings no matter the blood relation thing. And what if the relationship doesnt work out? Sure as hell the family will be destroyed.”
“You cant just take a chance on the whole family just cuz two 22 year olds think they found the love of their life. Keep going your way.” – feelsweirdmann
“I am honestly so glad you’re doing the family counseling route. I was so worried that words might be said that caused rifts that wouldn’t be mendable. I hope you and your family are able to discuss this as come to some resolution that is tolerable for all. Best of luck.” – LabBunny19
“I said YTA in the other thread, but this is actually a very reasonable reaction. I think a fear that their relationship was caused by something like abuse, is a possibility. At very least a family therapist can hopefully help you make peace with it.” – zackyt1234
Redditors agreed therapy was the best option in their situation and wished the OP and her family well for the future.