in ,

Woman Called Out For Refusing To Attend Best Friend’s Wedding To Guy She Thinks Is Abusive

Dave Nagel/Getty Images

it’s fair to say that we would all like for our closest loved ones to be supportive of the people we date, but sometimes that simply isn’t the case.

This is a worse issue when the relationship leads to a wedding, however, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.

The Redditor who has since deleted her account was shocked when her friend took the news so badly that she couldn’t attend her wedding because she didn’t like her partner.

But when she saw how poorly her best friend took it, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was in the wrong.

She asked the sub:

“AITA For RSVP’ing no to my best friend’s wedding?”

The OP wasn’t happy about her best friend’s engagement.

“My (25 [Female]) best friend (25 [Female]) of 11 years is getting married to her boyfriend (31 [Male]) next year and I have been invited to the wedding.”

“The problem is I really do not like my best friend’s boyfriend, because I think he is an abusive partner from the behaviors I have seen and his treatment of my friend since their relationship started 2 years ago.”

Her friend’s partner made demands because of pasts infidelity. 

“For some context, he was cheated on in his previous relationship and I don’t think he’s over this at all.”

‘Since my friend started her relationship with him, she cannot have male friends and has had to stop speaking to and remove all male friends she’s had for years on social media.”

“He’s also made her delete all social media except Facebook where their relationship can be clearly linked (he was adamant Instagram had to go because they started speaking on Instagram, so she could meet another man on Instagram).”

“She cannot go for a drink with her coworkers after work if a male coworker is there, even if the said coworker is gay.”

“Their phone locations have been shared since the very early days for her ‘safety,’ she rarely sees her friends, and when she does, she is disengaged and constantly texting, because her boyfriend freaks out if she takes too long to reply.”

“He’s accused her of cheating on him multiple times with no evidence, just bizarre logic that only makes sense to him, and screams and swears at her when he has these meltdowns.”

“As you can probably tell, I have way too many of these incidents to explain them all in detail.”

The OP tried to talk to her friend about it.

“I have told my friend multiple times that her boyfriend’s behavior is absolutely not normal and abusive, and I’m not the only one, I’ve even reached out to her mother to say this.”

“My friend agrees with me but she loves him and says he just needs lots of reassurance because he was cheated on. Her mother says he just needs reassurance too.”

“My friend says because she knows about his behaviors, she can control them, but in my opinion, she can’t and doesn’t.”

The OP couldn’t show her support at the wedding.

“She knows how I feel about him and I remain supportive of her as I fear what would happen if I gave up on her.”

“That’s why I said congratulations for her engagement on the premise that as long as she’s happy, I’m happy.”

“However, since receiving a formal invitation to the wedding, I don’t think I can support this event. It doesn’t feel right for me to attend and celebrate their union when I would love for her to wake up and leave him.”

“I RSVP’d no to her invitation with the truth that I just couldn’t support this for the reasons above.”

Her best friend didn’t take it well.

“My best friend is really upset and calling me a fake, unsupportive b***h.”

“I just feel like I’m sticking to my principles but does this make me an AH?”

“Should I be supporting her regardless because her boyfriend is abusive? I’m so torn.”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some understood the OP’s feelings and agreed with stepping back.

“NTA.”

“You’ve done all you can as a friend, and if she wants to torpedo her own life, then sometimes you just have to sit back and watch.” – Thedisciplematt

“NTA. An invitation isn’t an obligation to attend and I can understand why it might be too hard for you to sit there and smile while watching your friend make such a potentially colossal mistake.” – Sk111w

“NTA. You supported her by telling her this is an abusive relationship and looking out for her, which is what a true friend would do.”

“Attending the wedding seems like surface-level ‘supporting’ to me (especially when you are wary of this union) which is, unfortunately, more important to some people than actual support and friendship.”

“I hope your wake-up calls will eventually work on your friend.” – soumwise

“NTA. I actually lost my best friend like this. He was isolating and abusing her, and she always defended him! She always said I don’t know him and I am overreacting.”

“He hated my guts for trying to open her eyes. When he forbade her to use pills and she got pregnant, resulting in her dropping out of college, I drew my line. Told her I love her but I cannot watch her ruin herself. He then forbade her to talk with me, and she obeyed.”

“That was 15 years ago. She added me on social media a year ago but never wrote anything, just added me.”

“I saw they had 3 kids, she was a SAHM her entire life, and they were divorcing. I think he left her for his mistress.”

“My point is, OP, you will be a bad guy no matter what you do. So, let her make her mistakes and give her space. If she comes back, great, but if not… it is what it is.” – Maca87

Others hesitated at this because abuse often leads to isolation. 

“NTA. He’s abusive, but at the same time, he is trying to isolate her from her friends, and it’s working.” – Gogowhine

“NTA. But there is a bigger picture here… where do you want your friendship to go?”

“If you are ok with losing her as a friend, then stick to your guns and don’t go.”

“But if you want to maintain your friendship and be a lifeline for her when her partner alienates her from everyone else, then you should consider going.” – Cheddarbaybiskits

“This sounds like a horrible situation, and you’re right to be worried for your friend.”

“I don’t think you’re an AH – however, as others have said, declining to go to the wedding is likely going to be the end of your friendship, and right now and going forwards in this relationship, your friend is really going to need supportive friends.”

“Especially as her partner is likely going to continue isolating her.” – espressosmartini

“NTA.”

“I hear everyone saying soft YTA because people in abusive relationships need support because they won’t leave until they’re ready.”

“But we’re all human. It’s hard watching someone make a mistake. It’s hard being at a wedding of a marriage that you know shouldn’t be taking place.”

“It’s ok that you can’t do it. You might lose this friend over it. But you’ve made it clear where you stand and that you’re there when she’s ready to leave.”

“And maybe you not being willing to be at her wedding when you’ve been there for everything else may start making her reflect.”

“Your NTA for this being your limit. It’s so hard to watch someone choose to stay again and again and again. Especially when you know it’s going to end so very badly for them.” – excel_pager_03

Though the OP felt guilty for how this conversation went, the subReddit sympathized. While it would be good to continue to support her friend as she moves into the next phase of her life, it would also be hard for the OP to watch, given what she believed she knew about the relationship.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan lives in North Chicago, where she works as a poet, freelance writer, and editor. She received her MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University, and her BA in English from Indiana University South Bend. Her poems have appeared in Rogue Agent, Whale Road Review, the James Franco Review, Thank You for Swallowing, and elsewhere; and her essays and book reviews have appeared with Memoir Mixtapes, The Rumpus, BookPage, and Motherly, among others. When she's not reading and writing, she's in her garden or spending time with her family. For more, visit www.mckenzielynntozan.com.