it's fair to say that we would all like for our closest loved ones to be supportive of the people we date, but sometimes that simply isn't the case.
This is a worse issue when the relationship leads to a wedding, however, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor who has since deleted her account was shocked when her friend took the news so badly that she couldn't attend her wedding because she didn't like her partner.
But when she saw how poorly her best friend took it, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
"AITA For RSVP'ing no to my best friend's wedding?"
The OP wasn't happy about her best friend's engagement.
"My (25 [Female]) best friend (25 [Female]) of 11 years is getting married to her boyfriend (31 [Male]) next year and I have been invited to the wedding."
"The problem is I really do not like my best friend's boyfriend, because I think he is an abusive partner from the behaviors I have seen and his treatment of my friend since their relationship started 2 years ago."
Her friend's partner made demands because of pasts infidelity.
"For some context, he was cheated on in his previous relationship and I don't think he's over this at all."
'Since my friend started her relationship with him, she cannot have male friends and has had to stop speaking to and remove all male friends she's had for years on social media."
"He's also made her delete all social media except Facebook where their relationship can be clearly linked (he was adamant Instagram had to go because they started speaking on Instagram, so she could meet another man on Instagram)."
"She cannot go for a drink with her coworkers after work if a male coworker is there, even if the said coworker is gay."
"Their phone locations have been shared since the very early days for her 'safety,' she rarely sees her friends, and when she does, she is disengaged and constantly texting, because her boyfriend freaks out if she takes too long to reply."
"He's accused her of cheating on him multiple times with no evidence, just bizarre logic that only makes sense to him, and screams and swears at her when he has these meltdowns."
"As you can probably tell, I have way too many of these incidents to explain them all in detail."
The OP tried to talk to her friend about it.
"I have told my friend multiple times that her boyfriend's behavior is absolutely not normal and abusive, and I'm not the only one, I've even reached out to her mother to say this."
"My friend agrees with me but she loves him and says he just needs lots of reassurance because he was cheated on. Her mother says he just needs reassurance too."
"My friend says because she knows about his behaviors, she can control them, but in my opinion, she can't and doesn't."
The OP couldn't show her support at the wedding.
"She knows how I feel about him and I remain supportive of her as I fear what would happen if I gave up on her."
"That's why I said congratulations for her engagement on the premise that as long as she's happy, I'm happy."
"However, since receiving a formal invitation to the wedding, I don't think I can support this event. It doesn't feel right for me to attend and celebrate their union when I would love for her to wake up and leave him."
"I RSVP'd no to her invitation with the truth that I just couldn't support this for the reasons above."
Her best friend didn't take it well.
"My best friend is really upset and calling me a fake, unsupportive b***h."
"I just feel like I'm sticking to my principles but does this make me an AH?"
"Should I be supporting her regardless because her boyfriend is abusive? I'm so torn."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood the OP's feelings and agreed with stepping back.
"NTA."
"You've done all you can as a friend, and if she wants to torpedo her own life, then sometimes you just have to sit back and watch." - Thedisciplematt
"NTA. An invitation isn't an obligation to attend and I can understand why it might be too hard for you to sit there and smile while watching your friend make such a potentially colossal mistake." - Sk111w
"NTA. You supported her by telling her this is an abusive relationship and looking out for her, which is what a true friend would do."
"Attending the wedding seems like surface-level 'supporting' to me (especially when you are wary of this union) which is, unfortunately, more important to some people than actual support and friendship."
"I hope your wake-up calls will eventually work on your friend." - soumwise
"NTA. I actually lost my best friend like this. He was isolating and abusing her, and she always defended him! She always said I don't know him and I am overreacting."
"He hated my guts for trying to open her eyes. When he forbade her to use pills and she got pregnant, resulting in her dropping out of college, I drew my line. Told her I love her but I cannot watch her ruin herself. He then forbade her to talk with me, and she obeyed."
"That was 15 years ago. She added me on social media a year ago but never wrote anything, just added me."
"I saw they had 3 kids, she was a SAHM her entire life, and they were divorcing. I think he left her for his mistress."
"My point is, OP, you will be a bad guy no matter what you do. So, let her make her mistakes and give her space. If she comes back, great, but if not... it is what it is." - Maca87
Others hesitated at this because abuse often leads to isolation.
"NTA. He's abusive, but at the same time, he is trying to isolate her from her friends, and it's working." - Gogowhine
"NTA. But there is a bigger picture here… where do you want your friendship to go?"
"If you are ok with losing her as a friend, then stick to your guns and don't go."
"But if you want to maintain your friendship and be a lifeline for her when her partner alienates her from everyone else, then you should consider going." - Cheddarbaybiskits
"This sounds like a horrible situation, and you're right to be worried for your friend."
"I don't think you're an AH - however, as others have said, declining to go to the wedding is likely going to be the end of your friendship, and right now and going forwards in this relationship, your friend is really going to need supportive friends."
"Especially as her partner is likely going to continue isolating her." - espressosmartini
"NTA."
"I hear everyone saying soft YTA because people in abusive relationships need support because they won't leave until they're ready."
"But we're all human. It's hard watching someone make a mistake. It's hard being at a wedding of a marriage that you know shouldn't be taking place."
"It's ok that you can't do it. You might lose this friend over it. But you've made it clear where you stand and that you're there when she's ready to leave."
"And maybe you not being willing to be at her wedding when you've been there for everything else may start making her reflect."
"Your NTA for this being your limit. It's so hard to watch someone choose to stay again and again and again. Especially when you know it's going to end so very badly for them." - excel_pager_03
Though the OP felt guilty for how this conversation went, the subReddit sympathized. While it would be good to continue to support her friend as she moves into the next phase of her life, it would also be hard for the OP to watch, given what she believed she knew about the relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.