Having children is a key conversation that every couple must have, but the trick to this one is that both partners must agree.
If one person wants children and the other does not, the relationship is likely to struggle.
The same goes for people who try to put on a “brave face” for their partners, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Famous-Ask-3105 had been trying to have a baby with her husband for years, so when she became pregnant just days before his birthday, she thought sharing the news with him then would be a nice birthday surprise.
However, when he called it a “stupid gift” and took away from his birthday celebration, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and wondered where they stood in their relationship.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for giving my husband a positive pregnancy test as a birthday gift?”
The OP thought she came up with the best last-minute birthday gift in the world.
“I am 23 (Female), and my husband’s (25 Male) birthday was one week ago.”
“We’ve wanted a baby for a really long time, basically our whole four years of marriage, and when I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited!”
“Knowing my husband’s birthday was in three days, I decided to keep it a secret and give the test to him as part of his birthday gift because he wouldn’t be expecting it, and in my head, it would make it more shocking or exciting.”
“At least, that’s how I thought it would be. Perhaps that was a dumb thought.”
The OP came up with her plan for how to give her husband the pregnancy results.
“Now, this was not going to be a big party with tons of people. My husband didn’t want that, so it was just gonna be the two of us, he was gonna open his gifts, we were gonna eat a nice dinner, and it was going to be chill and intimate.”
“Also, in case this comes up, we’ve actively been trying to have a baby. I didn’t stop taking birth control secretly, nor did we stop using protection ‘accidentally.’ This was something we were both originally wanting.”
“With all of this in mind, I didn’t think giving him the pregnancy test as a gift would be a problem at all. If it were a big party, I wouldn’t have done it, because it would’ve taken the entire focus off of him, but this was a small party, just me and him!”
However, the OP’s husband did not have the reaction she had anticipated.
“When it came for me to give him his gifts, the pregnancy test was in a small box, and I told him to open it last. He was super happy with all of his other gifts, and when he opened the box with the pregnancy test in it, his demeanor changed. He seemed upset.”
“I asked what was wrong and he said it was ‘a stupid gift,’ and he demanded, ‘How could you hide something like this from me? You knew this for so long and hid it?!'”
“I explained to him I only knew for three days, and of course, he was the first person I told. I thought it would be a wonderful gift. Like I said, we’ve wanted a baby for so long, and I thought he’d be happy.”
“He said that he was happy, but the timing for me to tell him was horrible and that it was his birthday, not a celebration of pregnancy.”
The environment of their home had been tumultuous ever since.
“I was confused, hurt, and upset. So many emotions at once. I called him immature, and that led to a fight. He slept on the couch that night.”
“This past week, he hasn’t talked to me much. Whenever I try to bring it up, he says, ‘Just stop, we’re past it. It was dumb of you,’ and similar stuff like that.”
“Not once has he told me how happy or excited he is about the news, and there has not been any celebration of any kind about us being pregnant. Whenever I talk to him, he doesn’t really reply; it’s just a yes, no, or a grunt.”
“I feel horrible. I didn’t think this would be a bad gift. I thought he’d love it.”
“My husband has not ever acted this way towards me before. We’ve argued before, but it has never led to the point where he ignores me and repeatedly blames me.”
“AITAH for doing this? I really thought it would be okay, but I’m starting to think he’s right and that I shouldn’t have done this and that I really ruined his birthday.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some commiserated with the OP and reassured her that she was NTA.
“Congratulations on the baby. Condolences on the husband.” – efiwib
“OP is getting some toddler tantrum practice in, apparently.”
“NTA OP, it was three days because you were trying to do something nice. If his birthday had been next month or even a couple of weeks later, I would sort of understand his disappointment about not knowing sooner, but three days?!”
“This is going to be the sort of guy that gets jealous that OP is focusing on the baby and not him.”
“Obviously, you know him better than us, and if you think this is worth saving, you need to sit him down and have a chat with him. Don’t let him blow it off, call him out on acting childish (which he very much is), and also don’t let him get away with calling you dumb for doing it again.”
“Plenty of people would have been thrilled with that surprise. The fact that he wasn’t is fine, but the pouting and sulking that has continued afterward is not. You don’t need previews of the child you will be raising.” – Kheslo
“It’s a pretty big warning sign if he’s already getting aggy about baby stealing his thunder. It would be slightly more understandable (but not excusable) if he’d reacted that way due to being caught off-guard and apologized to her later on.”
“But Jesus, being grumpy at her a week later? This man sucks, and even if he does want this child, it doesn’t seem like he’s gonna be a great parent…” – zzaizel
“I gave my husband a positive pregnancy test for Christmas. He was excited and happy.”
“NTA. I’d be super concerned about this guy’s reaction. He is concerned that a pregnancy test is taking attention from him. What does he think a baby will do? By the nature of the care they need a baby will get much more attention than him. Sounds like he’s a baby that needs to grow up.”
“This is just the very first step in 18+ years of removing the focus from this adolescent masquerading as an adult and husband to move that focus to the child… OP, I worry that you are going to end up raising this child by yourself whether or not you remain married. You do know that this baby is your second child, don’t you?” – Burnalthepages
“I did this with my second pregnancy, our first ended in a miscarriage two years prior. I had found out a few days prior and saved it for his birthday. He was so ecstatic. He said it was the absolute best birthday gift he has ever gotten.”
“My husband and I married young (20 and 21) and always talked about kids, but he told me before we got married he wanted kids, but absolutely did not feel mature enough to have kids right away. That if it happened by accident, he would be happy, but he didn’t want to actively try till late 20s.”
“I feel like the only reason someone would get upset at this is if he talked about having kids for her sake, to reel her into marriage but secretly hoped they wouldn’t actually have any, or at least didn’t think it would happen for a long time but never actually spoke to OP about not wanting kids young. Either way, he is an immature AH.” – Present_Mastodon_503
Others theorized that there was another reason the OP’s husband was angry.
“My husband reacted like this after actively trying for a baby. Found out later he had a girlfriend on the side and felt equal parts guilty/trapped.”
“I’m not suggesting it’s the case here, but the response to baby news in a healthy relationship would be joy, not this. Gird your loins, darlin’, and good luck.” – Famous_Smile_8192
“Blow up at your newly pregnant wife because you don’t like how she told you? For a planned pregnancy? Red flags here to the moon.” – brainybrink
“My ex-husband wanted kids, allegedly, to the point he was pushy about it. When I got pregnant, I took a test in the morning, then had to go to work, so I waited until after work to tell him.”
“His reaction? Mad that I waited all day to tell him. It was nine hours after I had taken the test, and once I got a chance to see him face-to-face after work. But I ‘should have told him sooner.'”
“About a week later, he came to me all ‘concerned’ and said he could tell I was not happy (I was happy, this was bulls**t he pulled out his a**) about being pregnant, and he wanted me to know he was fine with me getting an abortion. What the f**k?!”
“Three months later, he disappeared with his stuff while I was at work, and I’ve never seen him since.” – ZorakZbornak
“My immediate thoughts were that he may be interested in someone, and this just solidified the fact that he has to stay with his wife… I hate that my immediate thinking was of that.” – ranchmomma
“I think he didn’t actually want kids.”
“Mine didn’t. I realize now what a mistake it was to approach my pregnancy as a child, asking to keep a stray animal and promising to always take care of it and never bother anyone else about it.”
“25 years of him saying, ‘You changed a lot when we had kids.'”
“I did. I grew up and focused on the enormity of the responsibility. He resented me for the attention it took away from him. I spent most of my adult life feeling guilty for ‘changing.'”
“We’re divorced now, and I still can’t shake that feeling of guilt. I hope the OP shakes hers.” – pastellego
The subReddit saw nothing but red flags in the situation.
If the OP had only given her husband a pregnancy test, that might have been one thing, but she gave multiple gifts and saved the announcement for just a few days to make a special occasion extra special.
All the subReddit could think was that the husband either didn’t want to be with the OP and felt tied down by the news, or he didn’t really want children after all, and receiving the news really did “ruin” his birthday. Either way, the OP should probably make some plans, just in case.