A mother's wedding dress holds sentimental value for many women, and it would take a lot for them to part ways with the priceless heirloom.
When one woman found herself being challenged by the nuptial gown passed down from her late mother, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor BoldBellaXX asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my brother's fiancée wear my late mother's wedding dress?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32 F[emale]) lost my mom four years ago. It was devastating, and I inherited a lot of her things, including her wedding dress."
"My mom and I were incredibly close, and she always talked about how much she wanted me to wear her dress when I got married. I'm not married yet, but I've been saving the dress for my special day."
The OP continued:
"My brother (29 M[ale]) is getting married next year, and his fiancée (28 F[female]) recently asked if she could wear my mom's wedding dress. She said it would mean a lot to her because she never got to meet my mom, and she wants to feel connected to her on the big day."
"I understand that it's a sweet gesture, but I don't feel comfortable with her wearing something that's so sentimental to me, especially since my mom always wanted me to wear it."
"When I told her I wasn't okay with it, she got upset and said I was being selfish. Now my brother is upset with me too, saying it's 'just a dress' and that I'm ruining their wedding over something that's not a big deal."
"I offered to help her find a similar dress or even incorporate a piece of my mom's dress into her own gown, but she refused."
The OP described the current state of things.
"Our family is now divided, with some saying I'm in the right and others saying I should let it go for the sake of family harmony."
"AITA for refusing to let her wear the dress?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. If it were 'just a dress' like your brother says, your future SIL wouldn't make such a big deal out of your refusal. This is your dress to wear someday - or not. But it is your special connection. Not hers." – Jocelyn-1973
"Right. Sounds like SIL is trying to find a cheaper alternative to getting a dress. DO NOT DO IT! SIL will alter the dress, customize it to her body, and change the details. OP SHUT IT DOWN! NTA" – MandieZie1
"I also don't understand the mindset of these people: they ask for something, the answer is (a reasonable) no, and they start screaming abuse. Because being aggressive will win their victim over?"
"Brother saying 'It's just a dress' and 'It's no big deal' is so offensive too. That's his late mother he's belittling. A keepsake of hers is nothing to him? The fact that they think it's nothing and no big deal would, to me, ensure they never get to see it again (until OP's wedding), let alone get their hands on it." – Ich_bin_keine_Banane
"This she wants the compliments and conversations that will come with her wearing deceased MIL wedding dress to the wedding, don't give her the weird brownie points she wants."
"It's your dress from your mother. Maybe if she knew her, but to feel 'connected'?? She should have asked if there was a piece of jewelry she could borrow or for something blue to feel connected; the whole wedding dress is wild."
"Don't let these ppl guilt you into it either, if and when she ruins your dress bc 'oh, I just didn't like that I wanted x change I thought you wouldn't mind' it going to be devastating for you, and I can almost guarantee they'll get mad at you for your reactions." – Equivalent-Pea6145
"Ok, let's not decide that SIL has bad intentions."
"She might be genuine. I find that weddings can make things dramatic, especially when grief is attached."
"OP I wouldn't let her wear the dress for the wedding. "No, my Mom's wishes were for me to wear it at my wedding" should have been enough and I'm sorry it wasn't."
"Stand firm. You are following your Mom's wishes and your heart." – ZombieSharkRobot
"Someone who thinks their faked connection to a person they never met matters more than the daughter the dress was left to doesn't get the benefit of the doubt. Bare minimum, she's massively selfish. And to insult the person she's asking for a massive favor from is wild. NTA OP." – Free_Dragonfruit_250
"That is exactly what I thought. They're trying to save on $$. I personally wouldn't want to wear my MIL's wedding dress (and she was a lovely person that I knew). This is just a weird take." – amym184
"Just for fun, OP could go to thrift stores and buy some kind of cheap wedding dress and hand it to her. I seriously doubt the brother remembers exactly what Mom's dress looked like." – Bombshell101516
"This crossed my mind. Is it possible bro knows the dress well enough to tell the difference? If not, buy a similar one at a thrift store. Or possibly buy SILs wedding gift and gift it before the wedding, and have it be a pretty necklace with a pretty pendant that aligns with their outfits."
"The pendant can be a picture of OP's mom. That way, SIL has her MIL right near her heart while she marries MIL's son. 🤷♀️ I honestly think that is a much better representation of the mother being there on the big day..."
"But I have a bad feeling, bro and SIL just don't want to pay for a wedding dress to begin with, and using mom's is a cheap alternative, the sentimental value probably has nothing to do with why SIL really wants it. If she is acting this way about OP refusing, SIL obviously doesn't care about OP OR MIL, as she knows MIL wanted OP to wear it." – Thin_Grass4960
"OP, I agree with this comment! I was an idiot who lent my gorgeous wedding gown to my college professor's fiance to wear at their wedding. My professor, whom I was friends with after taking a lot of his classes, put me on the spot and asked if they could borrow it as they were trying to save money, and both had enormous amounts of student loan debt."
"He had seen wedding photos of me and my husband, and he had made several prior comments on what a stunning bride I was and how my dress was one of the most beautiful he had ever seen."
"I was young and a pushover, and I reluctantly agreed with strict conditions. 1. She could not alter my dress in any fashion. 2. They must give it back to me soon after the wedding in the same condition they received it, i.e., professionally dry cleaned and preserved so that my own daughter could wear it one day if she chose to do so. I had just given birth to my first child, a daughter, when I agreed to let them borrow my dress."
"I gave them my beautifully preserved and packaged dress. Six months after their wedding, I still hadn't received my dress back. I kept asking for it, and they promised to give it back. Finally, I got pissed and showed up unexpectedly at their home."
"His mom lived with them, and she answered my knocks. She recognized me and went to retrieve my dress from the front coat closet. It was shoved in there with the vacuum cleaner, cleaning buckets, and other dirty sh*t. It hadn't been cleaned, preserved, and professionally packaged."
"They had ruined my dress. Not only did the witch alter my dress, but it was stained, and the hem and some of the scallop edging were torn. My dress smelled like gross body odor. There were sweat stains under the armpits."
"I was livid and heartbroken. They betrayed me and my trust. I was so mad, I took my dress and drove to the college where I confronted the a**hole."
"Your mom's dress is YOURS, and once you relinquish control of it, good luck getting it back in the same condition or even getting it back at all. Your brother and his fiance can suck eggs. DON'T LOAN HER THE DRESS!" – iamreenie
"You're NTA. The dress belonged to your mother. Your future SIL never even met her and has no claim on the dress. "
"There are also the logistics of possibly altering the dress and making it harder for it to be altered for you, the person who actually does have the claim to it."
'My brother is upset with me too, saying it's "just a dress" and that I'm ruining their wedding over something that's not a big deal.'
"If you're "ruining their wedding" because his future wife is having a tantrum over not getting to wear your mother's dress, they have bigger problems and need to evaluate whether they're mature enough to get married."
'Our family is now divided.'
"They can butt out. It says even more about the lack of maturity of those two that they're trying to drag relatives into this argument."
'Others saying I should let it go for the sake of family harmony.'
"What precious heirlooms are they willing to lend/give in the name of family harmony?" – Dittoheadforever
Redditors continued suggesting the OP stand firm on her decision not to lend the precious wedding gown to the brother's fiancée.
They also defended the OP, saying she had every right to refuse.
Hopefully, the bride-to-be will realize without further prompting that she's not going to get what she's after and that the OP's brother will be more empathetic with his sister.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.