Religion is a touchy subject for many people. Everyone has their own opinions, and discussions can easily turn into arguments.
Redditor chillvibe72 has multiple roommates, one of whom is religious. On a recent weekend trip, the group started fighting over whether or not to go into a church.
The original poster (OP) believed it was her fault and asked the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about it.
OP wondered:
"AITA for refusing to attend church with my roommates?"
There is a lot more that happened than just the title would suggest.
"I(23F) live with Grace(23F) Tom(25M) and Harry(24M)"
"The 4 of us decided to go on a 4-day trip over the Easter period, to a town 1hr away that we had wanted to visit for a while. None of us had travelled for the last year and we wanted a change of scenery and all complied with our local COVID rules."
"We booked an Airbnb and planned some activities; museums, cool parks, local hotspots. We also made it clear that we were each going to be going off on our own to explore if we wanted, and everyone seemed to agree."
"The issue was on Easter Sunday. We decided to all go for a walk, ended up at a church, and then Grace told us to go inside. I asked to speak to her alone so we sat on a bench nearby."
OP has her own issues with religion.
"I was in a catholic school when I was younger and had a lot of trauma from it, there were some really horrible barbaric punishments that I cant list here."
"Grace is religious and I absolutely respect that for her and I see how it enriches her life. When we moved in I explained my experiences to her, and told her that she could have religious items around, host religious events, but that I didnt want to actively participate in any activity or prayer."
"She agreed and weve never had a problem with it."
This brought us back to the two discussing the church.
"While we were on the bench, I reminded her of this conversation, as there were signs that there was an Easter mass happening inside, that I felt uncomfortable going in. I told her that she & the guys were absolutely free to attend, and that I was more than happy to go and get an ice cream and that we could meet up afterwards for lunch."
"She reacted badly, started yelling that I was a hypocrite because 2 years ago I visited La Sagrada Familia and went inside and that I should just suck it up and do the same today because Im ruining our trip."
"I tried to explain that I can still admire the architecture of a church without wanting to participate, and that when I visited Sagrada I chose a tour slot that wasnt during any service and it was just 300 tourists inside, and that it felt more like visiting a landmark."
"She kept shouting and the guys came over and sided with me which made her more upset."
"Grace went into the church and Harry told me that while he agreed with me, religion is a touchy thing to argue about and I probably shouldve backed down."
"He followed Grace, while Tom came with me to get ice cream."
"The trip was awkward, and when we got home we avoided each other for a while. I though things would go back to normal after a week or 2 but it didnt."
"I burned myself and she told me I should get used to the pain because Ill be getting burnt a lot in hell. We invited her to sit and watch a movie with us , it was my turn to pick the movie, but she said that if I don't want to participate in her interests she wont participate in mine and stormed off."
"I feel really conflicted because Grace (and Harry but not as bad) still think Im the AH here, and Im beginning to think Im a hypocrite because I did go to a church for tourist reasons."
The dynamic in the group has been thrown into chaos with this incident. But who caused the problem is what's up for debate here.
To determine that, the AITA subReddit votes using one of the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
There was an agreement in the comments that OP was NTA in this situation.
"Absolutely NTA. Grace is out of her mind to think that she has any right to impose her religious beliefs on you at any time for any reason." – xfourteendiamondsx
"Just to hop on the top comment-"
"I am a religious person... Harry is right - religion is personal and a touchy subject... Harry is also a major AH... Grace should have backed off as it is a personal and touchy subject not meant to be force fed to people."
"Grace is a bigger AH than Harry. Religion is a relationship with God or higher power (whatever one may view that power). It isn't an interest to be shared like a movie or a hobby."
"You can't force it on someone and expect them to accept it. Like any relationship it shouldn't be imposed on people (why do you think so many ppl on this sub come here with blended family issues?)."
"Op you are NTA! You are right! A tour of a building is different from a service!"
"A tour offers you knowledge of the building or history. You need a relationship with the higher power of the religion in order to attend a mass or service to effectively worship and feel comfortable." – nonchalantenigma
"I cant believe I even have to tell you that you're NTA in this situation..."
"You handle things differently to what your room mate would. Doesn't mean it's wrong."
"You also seem to have managed expectations early on into you living together and were just reitterating that fact. You've done nothing wrong and handled it very maturely." – ExcaliburCaliburn
Some of the comments continued to agree that Grace was the one wrong here, but say that OP should try to work things out. Living with someone you're fighting with can make things too awkward to continue.
But should OP back down and work things out or is it better to shut Grace out?
"NTA, a thousand times over."
"There is nothing hypocritical about checking out a church strictly for admiring its aesthetic aspects, and if this is a sticking point with her now but not leading up to now, she may well be the hypocrite."
"If this is what it will be like between the two of you going forward, it may be time to examine when you can remove yourself from the lease because you have not done anything wrong and she is being grotesquely unreasonable by making this the focal point of every interaction the two of you have." – QuietGrudge
"I didn't want to hear this but I think if we can't resolve things it might be the right move. I'm scared of becoming someone who can't have religious people in my life due to my past though." - chillvibes72 (OP)
"NTA. I'm genuinely sad that you're even contemplating you might be an AH because all of this is not on you at all. Religion is a touchy subject, but we're all entitled to our opinions on it."
"It sounds like you were completely civil when you said you didn't want to go in and weren't just sh**ting on her religion. Her reaction was ridiculous and you're friend is a bit of an AH for telling you to back down."
"You should never back down from something just to please somebody else."
"You're not a hypocrite for going into a pretty church when a service wasn't going on. It sound s like your experiences growing up were quite traumatic and you have the right to be scarred from them."
"It was wrong for your friend to try and shame you into going there." – thelesserdaughter
"Thank you for your empathy. I'm feeling a little better about my actions now, but someone mentioned that it was melodramatic of me to pull her aside and put a spotlight on it instead of just saying 'I'll hang back'. I'll approach it differently in the future I guess" - chillvibes72 (OP)
OP has a lot to think about, and to determine how to approach her relationship with Grace going forward. If she wants to cut her out of her life, that's going to be difficult if OP can't get out of the lease.
But the self-blame isn't helping, and OP shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to go into a church while a service was going on if it made her uncomfortable.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.