When sharing a home with roommates, it's safe to assume that certain things are communal.
These include toilet paper and paper towels, hand soap, and cleaning supplies.
It also tends to go without saying that a roommate's personal belongings, clothes, electronics, cosmetics, are off-limits without permission.
One of the most common gray areas when it comes to sharing with roommates is food.
Redditor AnteaterLow2425 shared their current living quarters with two roommates.
The original poster (OP) began to notice that one of their roommates was taking things that were their's, but wasn't replacing them.
After the OP confronted this roommate about this matter, their roommate responded by calling them "stingy".
Receiving little to no support from their other two roommates, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my roommate to replace the groceries she keeps borrowing?"
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with their roommates, one in particular:
"I live in the hostel and I share a room with two other girls."
"One of the two girls, Leah keeps taking my food."
"She takes small things like eggs, butter, seasoning cubes, biscuits and juice but she never replaces them."
"At first, I brushed it off because she said she would pay me back."
"It's been months, and she hasn't replaced anything but she keeps taking."
"Yesterday, I bought groceries and labeled them and told everyone I would appreciate it if we respected each other's things."
"Leah said I was being selfish and stingy over basic stuff."
"I confronted her directly, and she told me I should just buy in bulk since we all share anyway."
"I told her that's not how it works and if it continues, I'll have to start locking my locker."
"Now the room feels tense, and the other roommate says I could've handled it more peacefully."
"AITA for calling her out about the groceries?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular sitatun, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting their roommate.
Everyone agreed that as the OP's roommate wasn't returning the groceries, she wasn't borrowing, but stealing them, with many wondering why she didn't buy anything in bulk to share with everyone.
"NTA."
"'Keeps taking' = 'stealing'."
"This person shows no respect for you."
"Lock it up."- casual-shitposter
"NTA."
"She wants 'you' to buy bulk supplies?"
"She can go buy her own groceries and quit being a mooch."- copperfrog42
"If she's not replacing what she's taking, then she's not borrowing, is she?"
"She's stealing."
"NTA."- Longjumping_Worker56
"NTA."
"Haha, her solution is you should buy even more to share, and she still doesn't pay?"
"Where do I sign up for this deal?"- TrainerHonest2695
"NTA."
"Buy in bulk because we all share anyway?"
"Technically, 'we all share' does not include we all share YOUR stuff."
"Maybe there could be a less confrontational way to bring it up, BUT based on her response, that does not seem the case."- catskilkid
"You are NTA for calling her out."
"However, if she wanted to contribute to the groceries plus a little extra for your time (and the time you save her), it could be a win-win situation."
"But if she's not paying you back or even getting permission, locking things up is not extreme."
"Also, why is it always the responsible, wronged person that should handle things differently to make it more peaceful for the arrogant freeloader instead of the freeloader being told to not take things that don't belong to them?"
"Seems backwards to me."- Pappy579
"NTA."
"If Leah wants to 'buy in bulk,' then she needs to provide her share of the costs BEFORE you get the groceries."
"OP, you don't owe this girl a damn thing."
"It's your money, you're allowed to conserve your resources to make them stretch."
"Keep your things locked up and tell her you'll share again when she helps with the costs."-moew4974
"Obviously NTA."
"Look at it this way: in a situation like this, if a third party with no vested interest tells you you are being petty, then it's worth taking into consideration."
"Not necessarily that they're correct, but that you should think about it."
"But if the person doing the stealing tells you to ignore it, then you can just discard their opinion as worthless because of how it conveniently aligns with their own self-interest."-CoverCharacter8179
"NTA."
"Why tf should you be expected to 'buy in bulk[ if she's contributing nothing and not even compensating you for what she takes?"- Famous_Eggplant88
"NTA."
"If you have agreed to keep food separate, then you should all respect each other's personal items."
"You've communicated clearly your expectation, and your next step."
"So just start locking your locker."
"Leah is disrespectful, and your other roommate is conflict-averse and would rather let Leah walk over her than set boundaries."
"Leah should be replacing what she borrows, but she seems to view what's yours as hers."- EwwDavvidd
"NTA."
"Definitely lock your things right now."- DarmokTheNinja
"NTA."
"You handled it peacefully the first time she took it, and then she proceeded to lie about replacing and continued to take."
"What's with roommates thinking groceries are shared, if there isn't a shared expenses pot everyone's contributing to?"
"I'm female, I once had a nightmare scenario where when we signed the lease, it was me, my partner, our friend, and his two friends."
"Day of move-in, the 2 friends BOTH had a friend that was going to stay with them."
"Any time I bought bananas, eggs, etc., everything would be gone in a day."
"I told them I'm not your f*cking mommy, stop touching my sh*t."
"One of the guys proceeded to buy his first grocery haul and wrote everyone's names (so 5 people) but mine on like 10 packs of macaroni."
"I laughed so hard like bro I don't want your macaroni."- buffythebudslayer
"NTA."
"Start locking your locker."
"Problem solved."
"You're only the AH to yourself if you continue to let yourself be treated this way."
"Others will tell you that you're being selfish, you're creating a hostile environment, you're being petty."
"That's what happens when you stand up for yourself and others play the victim."
"Don't buy into it and allow yourself to be manipulated."- Spiritual_Truth_5152
"Food is expensive, and taking things that don't belong to you is stealing."
"You are NTA."
"Leah is."- LisaMichell78
"Say nothing, buy nothing for a week & just eat all her sh*t."
"Every last crumb."
"NTA."- concrete_marshmallow
"NTA, it's your stuff that you purchase."
"If she wants to share food, she can contribute to the food budget."- NerdMagpie
"NTA."
"Start saving receipts and show her how much she owes you for all the food she's taking."
"Tell her she's selfish for stealing what doesn't belong to her."- Ohaibaipolar
"Obviously NTA."
"She is upset because you aren't allowing her to take advantage of you anymore."
"Your mistake was letting it slide at all, because 'borrowing' (actually what she was doing was stealing - she is a thief) an egg here and a cup of milk there very rapidly turns into the person feeling entitled to take what they want as if you owe it to them."
"Give her an itemized list of everything she has stolen from you, and be blunt, be very clear you view it as theft, and tell her that she will be paying you back or replacing every item by a specific date or you will be locking your stuff up and that she is not to take so much as a teaspoon of salt from your food supplies again."
"And follow through."
"If she takes anything, a ramen pack, an apple, an egg, lock stuff up."
"If she doesn't pay you back or bring you replacement groceries, lock your stuff up."
"You aren't her food bank."- No-Assignment5538
"Just start locking your stuff up."
"The sheer audacity to demand you buying in bulk to pay for her?"
"What an entitled AH."
"Leah is an adult."
"You are not responsible to subsidize her life."
"The selfish one is her."
"She also lied to you and never paid you back."
"I would have straight-up called her a thief and a liar."
"Your other roommate isn't the one being stolen from soooo… how would she like it if you started taking her things?"
"Her make up, her clothes, her shampoo."
"I'm pretty sure if you started taking all of her stuff, she would be upset too."
"Ignore her."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"If anything, you underreacted."
"Back in college, I had a roommate who kept stealing my food."
"So I moved everything into a mini fridge and closet that I locked."
"Problem solved."
"When she complained, I told her I wasn't her mommy and I'm not paying for her food."
"She got over it."
"Leah will too."
"And if she doesn't, find a new roommate."
"NTA."- Pippet_4
It's not uncommon for roommates to have a communal refrigerator or food pantry.
However, in those cases, all roommates tend to contribute to it, making it an altogether more equitable arrangement.
Seeing as the OP seems to be the only contributing food in this situation, it doesn't exactly make it fair for everyone to take.
As the OP is the only one spending money in this situation, it doesn't seem like she is the stingy one...
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.