Mainstreaming of children with disabilities in the United States began in public schools in earnest with the passage of the Education for All Handicapped Children Act (Public Law 94-142) in 1975. The federal law is now known as the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).
Throughout the next several decades, the segregation of disabled children became largely a thing of the past. School children in the 2020s have spent their entire education learning alongside their disabled peers.
A mother whose son grew up in that inclusive environment turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Dry-Dirt-1426 asked:
"AITAH for calling my husband silly for freaking out that our teenage son has a girlfriend who's in a wheelchair?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband 'James' (37, male) and I (39, female) have a son 'Lucas' (13, male) who is a freshman in high school. After the Christmas break, a new girl 'Yuki' (14, female) was in his class."
"I've heard Lucas and his friends talk about how Yuki is the prettiest girl in school."
"By their talk, I didn't know she was in a wheelchair. Just that she's from another country, is super cool, and super pretty."
"After Lucas mentioned he started dating Yuki, I found out she was in a wheelchair when I picked up my son from school. Lucas told his dad and showed what Yuki looked like by showing him her Facebook."
"My husband seemed okay with it."
"But later, with just me, my husband James expressed concern over our son dating a girl in a wheelchair. Talking about how our son doesn't know what he's getting himself into and blah, blah, blah."
"I called my husband silly and he got mad at me."
"Am I the a**hole?"
The OP later added:
"It's my son's 1st girlfriend. My husband is concerned that she's in a wheelchair."
"My husband's younger brother met his wife in high school. According to them, they told each other they loved the other in less than a month after meeting."
"They never dated anyone else after that and my husband is worried our son will do the same thing. Which is silly to worry about at this point—our son is 13, soon to be 14."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to call her husband's concerns over a first love silly (NTA).
"My daughter has a significant disability and striking facial differences. When parents tell me they had no idea because their kid only talked about how cool and nice she was.... it's pretty heartwarming and a strong indicator the friends are kind, good people."
"Your son is one of those kind, good people. Be proud. Challenge your husbands perspective on this." ~ unlikely_branches
"Don't let your husband's prejudices and insecurities ruin a good thing for your kid. Or ruin your kid."
"Your son knows exactly what he is getting himself into. While he does not focus on it, I am sure he is fully aware that she uses a wheelchair. Doesn't mean they can't date, hang out with friends, or go participate in activities."
"Sounds like you have raised a kind, caring, friendly, secure kid who sees people for who they are and not their abilities or differences. Look at the qualities and opinions he has shared so far, nothing but positive and appropriate. Whatever you did, you did right. Thank you for raising up a great human." ~ Scorp128
"I get the dad having some concerns when it comes to limitations to plans and costs associated with being a wheelchair user and needing adapted infrastructure, but they're still kids, neither of them is going to have to worry about having to get an adapted car and put a little ramp on their dream house scenario anytime soon."
"They'll hang out at school, at one another's house, and maybe go to a mall or to the movies every now and then. They're also probably capable of easily pushing her to the backseat so she can climb in and folding the wheelchair to put in the back with total ease at this age too. She's not a 95-year-old granny with zero upper body strength."
"Kids don't care about a 30 second extra step here and there on their way to do something they enjoy, unless it causes them some pain."
"If the relationship lasts long enough for these lifestyle adaptations to be a primary concern, then things are seriously working and the wheelchair means nothing compared to the kind of relationship they've formed."
"The dad's probably getting worried about stuff that's just a non issue for now. It should settle after they meet if that's what got him to say that, when he realizes the girl isn't necessarily Stephen Hawking levels of mobility impaired." ~ TactlessTortoise
"NTA. Unless your husband can articulate why he's concerned beyond general anxiety about disability, yeah, that's silly." ~ shyfidelity
"Your son looked straight through the disability and only sees her. Your husband could learn something from that." ~ alien_overlord_1001
"NTA. It's just his first love. No need for your husband to plan their wedding just yet. But..."
"It's great your son doesn't look at Yuki and just see 'wheelchair girl', but there are a couple things you should speak to him about. He needs to recognize Yuki's needs and accommodations when they hang out together."
"My roommate in college was deaf and had cerebral palsy. I'm autistic. It was great when guys asked us out, but some would then try to take us to typical date spots."
"Like guys would ask my roommate to go to the movies. This was long before theaters had any accommodations for deaf people, making it a miserable experience for her because she couldn't follow along with the plot or dialogue."
"They'd plan a concert date for me, but with that many people and that much noise, I'd be literally vomiting from the sensory overload."
"Teens typically enjoy dates at the movies, or concerts, or the beach, or amusement parks. Yuki can do all of those things IF the place is accessible and accommodating."
"That means more than just a ramp or elevators. Is there wheelchair seating in the theater or concert venue? You can purchase wheelchair seating tickets."
"Are their sand wheelchairs available at the beach? Does the amusement park have rides that someone in a wheelchair can ride?"
"And vitally important, do all of them have adequate wheelchair accessible bathrooms? No one wants to go on a date then have to leave early because there's nowhere for them to go to the bathroom."
"As long as your son is keeping these things in mind, dating Yuki shouldn't be all that different than dating any other girl. Your husband can unclench." ~ MohawMais
The OP provided an update:
"Even though the majority said I'm NTA, I did agree with those who said I was dismissive of my husband. So yesterday, I wanted to really hear him out."
That's when he reminded me of the situation about his brother and sister-in-law. How what is going on with our son reminded him of what happened with his brother.
"I got new information about our son, that when I wasn't in the room, Lucas told my husband that he's in love with Yuki. My husband repeated that our son doesn't know what he's getting himself into."
"He made more points saying that our son barely acknowledging that Yuki uses a wheelchair meant that our son has an immature and unprepared attitude towards Yuki. I let my husband finish."
"He mentioned how our son is an athlete and Yuki has different interests, like video games and cartoons. My husband said he's worried that our son will morph himself into someone else to impress Yuki."
"Two of my questions really stumped my husband. 1st when I asked him if he can name anyone else he knows personally, our generation or younger, who married someone they started dating in high school."
"He couldn't think of anyone else besides his brother. If Lucas and Yuki are still dating when they're seniors, then we can revisit his concerns."
"Then the question of when he and I met in college, if he would have chased me if I was in a wheelchair. He said he probably would and he said he got my point."
"I talked to Lucas separately. He was surprisingly excited to share with me his feelings about Yuki. He told me that he's in love with her. About how she's the coolest, most interesting, and prettiest girl he's ever met."
"He talked about wanting to do something for her for Valentine's day, but he doesn't know what yet. He mentioned that, even though Yuki is fluent in English, he's watching videos to learn basic phrases in her native language. How he's listening to love songs in her native language. How he's learning all about her native country."
"I only gave him two pieces of advice. To avoid promising Yuki anything major, to avoid ending up disappointing her. And that really, really big, grand gestures can make a girl feel overwhelmed."
"Right now, I'm not too concerned about my son's relationship with Yuki. Back when I was in high school, I had a male best friend who managed to be 'in love' with 5 different girls in just 4 years of high school."
"As for my husband, I think he's coming around after our conversation last night. So things seem okay to me."
"Right now, my son and Yuki are out together. As far as I'm aware, her parents are responsible people."
"So the fact that she's allowed to hang out with a boy alone after moving to a new country should tell my husband something about their trust in her, her ability to navigate life with minimal assistance, and their trust in our son."
"Yuki is in many ways, just living the life of the average high school student in America."
"And I do appreciate that my son is taking genuine interest in her personality and background, instead of just treating her like a pretty face to look at or just 'that girl in a wheelchair'."
Hopefully OP's husband will relax now.
