It is important to give credit where it is due.
No one individual should be recognized for an accomplishment in a team effort.
Rather, every member of the team who helped make it a success should be acknowledged.
Of course, when only one person did all the work, then they really should be the only one being honored.
No matter how deserving others may feel.
Redditor Routine-Shirt6500 recently helped a former colleague earn a position at her new company.
While the original poster (OP)'s colleague was grateful for their new job, they also felt they deserved more.
Something the OP strongly felt she was the only one deserving of.
Concerned she may have been selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for not sharing my referral bonus with a new hire?"
The OP explained why she was in a less-than-sharing mood with her colleague:
"I (29 F[emale]) recently referred an ex-coworker to the company I currently work for, and I'd appreciate a second opinion on something that's been bothering me."
"For context: I used to work remotely with Mike at a previous company."
"We were in the same department, got along well, and were both consistently praised for our work, but we weren't close—just friendly colleagues."
"I left that job 8 months ago due to poor management, and thanks to a referral from another coworker, I landed at my current company, which I really like."
"Four months ago, I saw an opening that Mike would be a great fit for, so I referred him."
"He got the job."
"Two months in, he messaged me asking about a referral bonus, which I honestly didn't even know existed."
"He mentioned someone from HR told him I'd be getting one and suggested maybe I should share it with him."
"That felt a bit off to me for a few reasons:"
"Why is HR discussing my bonus with someone else?"
"If the company wanted to reward both of us, they could've split it upfront."
"The person who referred me didn't share their bonus with me, and I didn't expect them to."
"I kind of brushed off the comment with a joke and moved on."
"But today, Mike messaged me again, saying the same HR person suggested I should take him to dinner with the bonus."
"For the record, I still haven't even received the bonus yet."
"The truth is, I don't want to share it."
"I have home repairs and other personal expenses, and honestly, I find it a bit inappropriate that HR is making suggestions like this and that Mike keeps bringing it up."
"I'm planning to make another joke and move on, but it's been bothering me."
"Would I be an a**hole for not sharing the bonus?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to share her referral bonus with Mike.
Everyone tough that the OP was the one who referred Mike to her company, then she, and no one else, was worthy of the referral bonus.
Others asked if it was safe for the OP to stay at this company if HR told Mike, and not her, about this bonus, which not everyone believed was the case:
"NTA."
"And be clear that you never received the bonus and that thanks to your referral, he was able to get a new and (probably better paying) job."
"Also, I would quietly consider finding out who at HR is sharing that information as it is generally considered to be improper."- positmatt
"NTA."
"Mike is an AH, the JOB is his bonus."
"I'd ask him directly who in HR is telling him this because you'd like to discuss it with the head of HR if that is company policy."
"If he's telling the truth, he'll have no problem, right?"
"Stay away from Mike."
"He's got questionable ethics."- OverRice2524
"NTA."
"If anyone owes someone a dinner, it's Mike who got his new job because of you."
"Call HR and ask them why someone is sharing information about a mythical bonus that you have not received with a new hire."- Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA."
"I seriously doubt HR actually suggested that, as it would be inappropriate."
"Pretty sure he's lying."
"Guess that'll be the last time you recommend him for a job."- Suspicious_Juice717
"NTA."
"It's your bonus for the referral."
"Mike's bonus is a job, which may or may not have a salary increase."
"He had the opportunity to negotiate a signing bonus, which I suspect he would not have shared with you."- Homer4598
"NTA."
"I have a friend who has referred me to 3 different companies, and they all hired me."
"She got a bonus from each one."
"I never asked her for part of her bonus because I got a job from it."
"That's how it works."
"If he wants a referral bonus, he needs to recruit someone."- Dizzy_Emotion7381
"NTA."
"I don't think the HR person is suggesting this. I think Mike is suggesting this."
"But I would check in with HR to see who is telling him tales about referral bonuses and maybe talk about the harassment of Mike demanding dinner or a split."
"I would very much regret my referral at this point."- PreviousPin597
"NTA."
"I see a referral bonus that way."
"I am vouching for someone with my good standing in that company, and if that person f*cks up?"
"It falls back negatively on me."
"A referral bonus is the carrot dangling in front of you to take that risk."- UnhappyCryptographer
"NTA."
"'suggested maybe I should share it with him'."-
"FFS, why would you?"- StAlvis
"NTA."
"Ask Mike if he's going to be sharing his salary with you for helping get him the job."
"HR said he should."
"F*ck Mike!"
"Send an email to all of HR, cc'ing your boss stating what Mike has told you and state you haven't received any referral bonus (they are generally paid after the new hire has been there for a specific amount of time), but that it has been said to Mike that he should receive a portion of it."
"You'd like to know where in the employee handbook it states that, and if this is the case, you expect a portion of the referral bonus the employee who referred you received."
"Also, at the end of the email, ask Mike to inform everyone who the HR person was who told him this in case they need additional employee handbook training."-
Right-Breadfruit-662
"NTA."
"You got him a job."
"That salary is more than any bonus."
"As you said, they'd give him a bonus if they wanted to."
"Are you sure HR is suggesting these things to him, and he isn't lying?"
"Seems very un-HR."- DanCynDan
"NTA."
"Don't forget that you'll pay taxes on this money, too, so giving half would mean that'd you'd get less than half."
"Whoever in HR is suggesting to split/share the bonus is way off base."
"That needs to be reported to the head of HR and the Ombudsman's Office."
"Tell Mike to remove you from his reference list as you won't be making the mistake of referring him again."- KatzAKat
"NTA."
"You never promised Mike that you'd share the bonus."
"It's pretty presumptive of him to ask about it."
"The purpose of referral bonuses is to reward employees for bringing good people to the job."
"If they wanted to entice new hires, they'd offer hiring bonuses, which Mike would be entitled to."
"You should contact HR to find out what, if anything, they've told Mike and if such a bonus truly exists."
"He may be operating off false information or flat out trying to extort you."- Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA."
"It's your incentive to refer people for jobs they want to be filled."
"I would make sure the bonus hits my bank account before saying anything to HR."
"They could have, potentially, created a poor work environment for you with the information they shared."
"Nor should they be setting his expectations that the bonus would be shared with the new hire, or that you 'owe' him some nice dinner for referring him for the job."
"Tell Mike that if he wants a referral bonus, he should get busy and refer someone himself."- LaLunaLady1960
"NTA."
"You already gave Mike a bonus by referring him in."
"Without that referral his CV would be sitting in a pile with hundreds of others."
"It might not be a huge boost for him, but it's definitely a boost that most in the pile don't get."- tosser9212
It's hard to imagine why Mike thinks he's worthy of a referral bonus when the OP was the one who did the referring.
If anything, Mike should be the one to take the OP out for a nice meal as a thank-you gesture for helping him get the job.
Ironically, this seems like a discussion the OP needs to have with HR.
If only to determine if everything Mike told her was true.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.