We always want to be there for our friends when they need our help.
Most of the time, we don’t have a second thought about saying yes when a friend asks for help or assistance, on the understanding that they will likewise be there for us.
Of course, when one friend constantly asks another for help, and offers nothing in return, it’s not unreasonable to question if maybe boundaries need to be set.
Or if this individual is even a friend.
The husband of Redditor Matushka_19 was excited to hear that his childhood friend was coming for a visit, even asking to stay with him and the original poster (OP).
The OP, however, did not share their husband’s excitement at this friend’s upcoming visit, owing to some disappointing behavior in the past.
Indeed, the OP held such a large grudge that they even urged their husband not to let this friend stay with them.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to host my husband’s best friend and his family?”
The OP explained why their husband’s friend was “persona non grata” in their eyes:
“My husband has a childhood friend, both the same age.”
“This friend had his wedding during COVID in 2020.”
“Strict measures, you know the drill.”
“At that time, we were living abroad, so crossing borders was nearly impossible.”
“When he got the invite, we had only been together for a few months, so it was a fresh relationship (they invited him alone).”
“I was working in a COVID ward and managed to get him across the border as a worker in a private car (about an 8-hour journey), and I also got him a PCR test 2 hours before departure (I mention this because the whole arrangement wasn’t easy).”
“He attended the wedding with a gift (stayed with his parents, wedding was nearby).”
“Four years later, we were getting married in chateau (about 4 hours from both my family and his, so halfway) and invited the friend along with his wife and child.”
“They said they’d come and make a trip out of it, exploring the area.”
“He was the only friend for whom we paid accommodation right at the venue, just like for family (5* hotel).”
“I was already struggling with this, as we had agreed not to cover accommodation for friends.”
“It’s also worth noting that this friend is a teacher and the wedding was on a Saturday, a week before the end of the school year.”
“A few days before the wedding, they called to say they wouldn’t come because he didn’t get leave for Monday and it wasn’t worth the trip for just a few days.”
“We ended up paying for the room since it was too late to cancel.”
“We didn’t receive a gift or even a congratulatory card from them.”
“Today, they wrote saying they want to visit because they’re going to an event in our city and would appreciate accommodation for them and his sister.”
“I’m against it because I don’t see a reason to take leave, pick them up from the train station, and host them when I don’t view them as friends anymore (no contact throughout the year, no birthday or name day wishes).”
“My husband disagrees, saying it’s his best friend and I’m preventing him from seeing him.”
“My husband’s friend wouldn’t have been fired if he decided to come to our wedding; it just would have been more challenging for him because he would have had to travel 4 hours on Saturday (the ceremony was at 4:00 PM, as is customary here, followed by dinner and celebrating until morning) and then travel back around noon on Sunday.”
“He didn’t get leave because it was a week before the end of the school year.”
“I don’t know his sister, and my husband knows her only briefly, from occasional meetings.”
”They RSVPed yes, so we paid for and reserved the accommodation, but later called to say they couldn’t come because they didn’t have leave.”
“Where I’m from, it’s customary to pay for everything for the guests.”
“For example, I’ve noticed that if a bride wants bridesmaids, she typically pays for their dresses and accessories (though good friends often offer to pay for themselves to keep costs down, but it’s not expected).”
“So usually, guests don’t even ask about accommodation; they automatically expect it unless told otherwise.”
“I don’t think this is ideal, as it creates various situations.”
“I didn’t smuggle him across the border.”
“We were both medical workers ( but me in covid ward), and one of the ways to cross the border was by transporting medical supplies, which happened every Friday.”
“I was responsible for selecting people, and I listed him so he could go that weekend.”
“He had to complete training and paperwork for this.”
“Long story short, it required a lot of arrangements not only on my side but also his side.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their husband that their friend and his family couldn’t stay with them.
Everyone agreed that the friend of the OP’s husband seemed to be taking advantage of him, feeling that he wasn’t really looking to visit them but instead just looking for a free place to stay, making the OP completely valid in their refusal to host them:
“Surely your husband can see his friend without you having to host him?”
“NTA.”
“But sometimes it is hard to see when old friends are letting us down and using us.”- RMaua
“NTA.”
“Your husband can see him, but that doesn’t mean that you have to host all of them.”
“They don’t want to see you or your husband: they want free accommodation, preferably with transfers.”- diminishingpatience
“NTA.”
“Tell them that, unfortunately, your house is unavailable to stay at. However, hubby would love to catch up for a meal while they’re here somewhere out.”
“Be interesting to see if he’s worth their money to spend a meal with or they’re just using him for the convenience of where you live.”- DotObjective2153
“NTA.”
“They aren’t coming to visit you and your husband; they just want to use your home as a free Airbnb.”
“‘Unfortunately, we’re unable to host you at that time due to other commitments’.”
“‘We’d love to meet up for dinner one evening to catch up, though, if possible’.”
“‘Can you let us know what days you’te available?'”- teresajs
“NTA.”
“Your husband is holding onto good memories.”
“But these days, their friendship isn’t the same.”
“This friend, is only friends, so they won’t have to pay for hotel and car rental.”- Alfred-Register7379
“NTA.”
“But the friend sounds like a moocher.”
“So this friend’s accommodation was paid for so he and his family could attend your wedding but he canceled a few days before the wedding because he couldn’t turn it into a free mini vacation?”
“Nice friend.”
“Not even sending a gift or a card as a wedding gift should really tell your husband what a low-rate friend this is.”
“I mean 4 hours drive is not that far so even if they drove up on the Saturday for the wedding, they still had a place to sleep and shower in the morning and explore the area after breakfast but again, they wanted a mini vacation so bailed on the wedding.”
“What sort of friend does that?”
“BTW, we drove 4 hours just to spend a day with friends and then drove 4 hours back on the same day because these friends were kind enough to invite us to a celebratory lunch.”
“The second clincher is the fact that they haven’t contacted you throughout the year, but now that they need free accommodation in your city, they suddenly remembered your number.”
“GTFOH.”
“I understand where you are coming from because we used to have out of town visitors all the time but most were cheapa** jerks just looking for free room and board.”
“Once we realized that they only contacted us when they’d be passing through our area, we closed our ‘hotel’ and would then say ‘Cool, would you like to meet up for lunch/dinner?'”
“People stopped coming after that.”
“Unfortunately, it seems that your husband values this friendship more than his friend does and he will need to see for himself that this friend is indeed a moocher.”
“Let your husband know that you don’t appreciate your home being used for free accommodation but, as he is your husband’s friend, he can play host because you won’t be taking time off or cooking/cleaning and you won’t be giving up your room for them either (not sure how much space you have in your home but taking in a married couple with a child and his sister is a huge imposition).”
“Your husband may see things very differently when he realizes he has to do everything.”
“The other solution is to offer to help find them cheap accommodation close to your home and meet for dinner.”
“If the friend dances around this, then you and your husband will know they only reached out so they could stay for free.”
“Also, how many days will they be in your city?”
“How will they get around the city?”
“Do they expect you and your husband to take time off work to transport them around?”-Ok_Smoke_1056
The OP later returned with an update, sharing that they took the advice of some of the Reddit community and where things currently stood between their husband and his friend:
“I followed the advice of the majority of you.”
“I suggested the idea to my husband, and although he was hesitant, he agreed.”
“We called his friend and proposed that we reserve a hotel for them and then go out for dinner together.”
“Unfortunately, we explained that we couldn’t host them at our place because we are busier than we would like, but we would be very happy to see them and even visit them in their area, or welcome them for dinner.”
“The friend, however, seemed disappointed and hinted that they might not be able to see each other after all since they would have to pay for a hotel and were unsure if they could afford restaurant expenses in our area, as it’s a bit more expensive here.”
“He said we would figure it out closer to the time, but I got the feeling that they might not end up meeting.”
“My husband was a bit disappointed but didn’t say much and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“I feel bad that he’s sad about this, but I still believe that he can put his energy into people who truly appreciate how selfless and kind he is.”
“I’m also very grateful for all the responses.”
“Many comments made me see things differently.”
“I will never stop him from seeing his friend; that was never an option.”
“I will update you all when the trip happens.”
“Thank you all very much.”
The response of the OP’s friend heavily indicates the speculation that the friend of the OP’s husband was, first and foremost, looking for free accommodation and not so much a chance to catch up with his oldest friend.
Let alone apologize for missing his wedding, and the financial cost his doing so cost them.
One can only hope this isn’t how he behaves with all his friends, as that will eventually lead to him having no friends.