It's pretty safe to say we've all had at least one bad group project experience.
The difference is, some of us didn't want to do the work, while others of us found ourselves doing all the work.
One young woman found herself in a tough spot when she wasn't sure what to do about the distribution of work tasks in her group, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor no_seas_carepicha wondered if she would be in the wrong for doing something about it.
The Original Poster (OP) reached out to the group and asked:
"[Would I be the a**hole (WIBTA)] for going to my professor and causing a classmate to fail a project?"
The OP was struggling with the classmates in her group.
"I (21[Female]) am in my last semester in college and will hopefully graduate this May. I'm a first generation college student and genuinely care about getting good marks."
"This semester I'm in a class that involves a group project of 4 people analyzing and proposing policy, which is a large portion of our grade."
"The project proposal is due on Friday and my group is seriously slacking."
"Normally I'm very understanding because things come up, life is busy and tiring, people have to juggle internships and jobs and school and mental health etc. but this is a huge project and I'm tired of carrying the group."
The group improved, but the OP was still struggling with one classmate.
"I made a group chat with my group members and assigned them roles because I figured it would be easier to set it apart and get it done. I was fine with taking the bulk of the project as long as I got some help on the other aspects."
"Two of my group mates really stepped up and went above and beyond on their portions but the last member hasn't touched it."
"One group member pointed out that she's never in lecture so I reached out just to make sure she was doing okay."
"She thanked me for the concern but just explained that where she lives (class is all online), [social distancing] restrictions have lifted, so she's been enjoying her time out at clubs, bars, restaurants and will try to get to the project this week."
"I asked her to have her portion done by yesterday so we can fine tune it before it's turned in."
"She didn't touch it, so I asked her to get it done by today instead. Still nothing."
"I messaged her this morning about it and she snapped at me telling her to get off her back and that she'll get it done by tomorrow instead."
The OP was considering doing something else about the situation.
"I'm not entirely trusting of her that she'll get it done and even so, that leaves one day to review the proposal and get it fine tuned and finish up the conclusion, which is cutting it close for such a large portion of the grade."
"Evidently another group had a similar problem, so our professor asked us to speak up if we encounter anything similar so that she can give us individual grades instead of a group grade."
"I have all the screenshots from our discussions and the editing history on our documents to prove she hasn't done work and why."
"WIBTA for sending an email to my professor and having her failed for this portion?""Am I overreacting and should I just wait it out for this girl to do the work?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the classmate should have done the work if she wanted the credit.
"OP gave her teammate enough rope to hang herself and she did. If any more rope is given, OP is liable to get their legs tangled up and get strung up too." - tylerchu
"NTA. When I was in nursing school (recently graduated), we had a group project where one member didn't do anything."
"We tried and tried to get her to do the work. She had the easiest part of the project. We gave her all the info and sources, all she had to do was literally type it into the paper."
"We had proof that all she did on the project was add her name onto it (shout out to google docs). We showed the Professor and she received a 0 for the grade."
"We felt bad, but it's not fair for us to work hard and for her to get the credit for our hard work. She eventually dropped out of school. You did the right thing!" - aries1255
"Agreed, NTA."
"OP, you are not a life jacket, it is not your job to keep her afloat. Let your professor know what's going on." - tsh87
Others couldn't believe her reasons for not contributing.
"NTA. She's not doing her part because she's enjoying her time at clubs and bars?"
"If she was undergoing an actual problem and that was the reason she wasn't doing her part, then understandable."
"But her getting drunk and partying is putting more load on you and your teammates."
"Talk to your prof - this kind of thing happens all the time, that's the thing about group projects. You have to deal with people of all kinds."
"In this case, report her to the prof. I've done this before, the prof would understand and maybe even help you out." - heywhatsupitsme1
"NTA- It would make sense, although it wouldn't be ideal, if she wasn't doing the project because of mental health or because she doesn't have good wifi or something."
"If she's just going out and clubbing? That's her f**kin problem. She's in college, she should know about consequences already." - iamthegreenestfield
"Absolutely agree. 'I can't get my work done because I'm too busy living it up' is not an excuse. NTA op. Send your professor everything and ask for individual grades. It's her own fault if she fails." - PaddyCow
A few professors also agreed to the OP letting their fellow professor know.
"As a prof who used to assign group projects, I always wanted students to let me know if a peer was not fulfilling their responsibilities."
"I would set up checkpoints for large projects, that way I could intervene earlier to encourage that student to step up."
"I would then also grade the team separately. Letting them get carried by the group undermines the educational value for all and isn't practical."
"Even outside of education, you would go to your manager if a coworker wasn't submitting information needed for a client project." - TigerJackalope
"My husband is also a prof and explicitly asks students to let him know if a group member is doing no work."
"He also includes an individual section that everyone does on their own (and generally can gauge how much work a group member will do based on the individual portion)."
"He's also been known to include part of the grade as group assessment where each member says what percentage of the project was done by each student and give a mark according. (So if 4 students each did 25% then he'll give them an equal grade, but if one student did 50%, one did 40% and another did 10%, he might do 10/10, 8/10, 1/10)." - yellowchaitea
We've all had our share of tough group projects, but this must be a headache, especially with having to do everything at a distance.
But the subReddit seems to be in agreement that something needs to be done about the group's work, and how everyone earns their grades.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.