Everyone has their own preferences about how to be comfortable in their own home. Those preferences are totally personal and okay in that space.
But when a friend is staying over, their comfort has to be taken into consideration, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Agitated_Minimum9238 didn't think she was wrong to continue wearing her usual clothes while a friend was visiting.
But when the friend expressed discomfort, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was actually wrong.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for asking my friend to move out when she told me to put a shirt on?"
The OP was comfortable with the human body and with nudity.
"I (24 Female) grew up in a household where nudity was never really seen as that big of a deal."
"I saw both the men and the women in my family walking around shirtless sometimes, and if you happened to walk in while someone was changing their clothes or showering, you'd just say sorry and move on with your life."
"Nudity was never seen as something embarrassing or taboo in my family, nor was it ever sexualized."
"And I guess I grew to view it the same way, as I don't think there's anything weird or shameful about looking at a human body."
A friend recently came to stay with the OP.
"Now, I live in a small apartment in the city, and about a week ago, I agreed to let a good friend of mine (23 Female) stay with me for a while."
"She's in her last year of university but recently got kicked out of her university's dorms. And since the rent prices in our city are pretty ridiculous, living with me was her best option."
The OP typically wore as little as possible at home.
"The thing is, I sleep without a shirt on at night, and when I get up in the morning and go to the kitchen to make breakfast, I don't usually bother to put a shirt on."
"I pretty much walk around the house naked from the waist up for about 30 minutes while I go through my morning routine (brush my teeth, feed the dog, eat breakfast, etc.)."
"I do eventually put a shirt on when I start getting ready to go out, but there's still 30 minutes or so of boobs every morning."
Her friend was uncomfortable with this routine.
"This bothers my friend a lot. She's always nagging me to put a shirt or a bra on and says it weirds her out how I can just walk around naked where she can see me."
"I explained the whole situation to her and assured her that there's really nothing sexual or strange about it - it's just what I'm used to and how I feel most comfortable."
The OP made a joke her friend didn't appreciate.
"She kept insisting though, and today I jokingly told her that if she doesn't like it, she can just move out."
"I made it clear that I don't actually intend to kick her out, but I guess she still got really upset by that comment since she hasn't said a word to me since this morning."
"I know it's a bit petty, but it's also my apartment. How are you gonna live in someone's apartment rent-free and complain about something as stupid as them not putting a shirt on when you want them to?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about the OP giving her friend proper consent.
"Soft YTA - I say this as a massive feminist and someone comfortable with nudity BUT you are forcing nudity on her without her consent."
"Yes, you are doing her a massive favor, but did you pre-warn her that a condition of that generosity was daily nudity?"
"I have a best friend who is very uncomfortable with bare breasts and several who aren't. I don't force her to see my naked breasts because I love and respect her and want her to be comfortable."
"Me covering up doesn't make me uncomfortable or inconvenience me - I just make sure I've got my bra or top on by the time she comes over or make sure I change in a different room when we travel together. It's a very small change that doesn't hurt me but means a lot to my friend."
"It's your house and your hill to die on, however - is it really worth making a friend homeless because you don't want to chuck a t-shirt on, for a friend? I'm an old lady and I just don't see the point in ruining a friendship for a small compromise."
"Do you have to? No. Could you, to be kind and accepting to someone who is meant to mean something to you? Yes." - sally_marie_b
"If she practiced nudity, she should have made that clear before she agreed to stay with her."
"I get saying sorry if you walk into the bathroom and see somebody nude when they didn't lock the door, but not streaking around the place in full view. That is not something that is typical, and people don't want to see that."
"It makes them uncomfortable. Women should not be told to sit down and shut up when they are uncomfortable when a boundary is being crossed. You expect to see things in a locker room, not the living room or where you eat." - Own-Tie-802
"YTA, this actually makes it even worse because the girl is a guest in her home and now has to unwillingly consent to something that makes her uncomfortable."
"If you're raised to be comfortable with the human form in all its glory, that's wonderful, but there are still a ton of puritanical ideals that govern today's society and not everyone is raised to be so open."
"If OP were a man with his junk swinging in the breeze, we would be labeling it sexual aggression, even though the penis has more than one biological function. Maybe breasts shouldn't be sexualized, but they are, and until we can treat the underlying misogyny involved, it's going to continue to be a problem."
"OP, you said you get that not how this works, but you're wrong, in this instance, you've invited her as a guest in your home, and as such you have an obligation to not go out of your way to make her uncomfortable, right now what you're doing is invalidating her feelings."
"You have every right to walk around however you please when it's just you, but you have no right to demand that anyone else be subjected to something they're not comfortable with."
"Right now, you need to seriously consider what's more important, helping your friend or being naked. Literally, the easiest thing in the world to throw in a robe or t-shirt, is this the hill you're willing to kill this friendship on?" - randomusername71175
"You do not force a friend to experience sexual/sex tangential discomfort because their options are be exposed to breasts or find a new housing arrangement."
"I can think of no faster way to close minds and hearts than refusing to acknowledge the feelings, whether or not they are built on a valid foundation, of sexual discomfort of a friend. This isn't a campaign for some lofty high-minded ideal world."
"OP can even have talks with her friend about that discomfort and why she might be feeling it and where those thoughts come from if the goal is to change her perception of toplessness, but until that changes this is just taking advantage of an unbalanced power structure to force your friend to experience discomfort every day." - Skelechicken
Others agreed and said a simple compromise was in order.
"Just because you're indebted to someone doesn't give them permission to violate your consent/boundaries." - wanderlustlost
"That even more of a reason that YTA. She's can't wear a shirt for a short while to make her guest more comfortable?" - Repulsive_Cranberry4
"I think what they communicated BEFORE the friend moved in is really what's key here. Roommate nudity is not an expected norm in most places: it can be fine, but ya gotta talk about it."
"If OP spelled out this routine and friend said ok but is now trying to change the terms, OP is in the clear and friend is the a**hole."
"But if OP never discussed this (which is what it sounds like from the post), the friend has been confronted with surprise boobs every day and had to fear becoming homeless if she pushed the issue. Not cool." - scatalogicalhumor
While the subReddit could agree that the OP had every right to wear the clothes she wanted to wear in her own home, they questioned her continuing the practice while a friend was staying with her.
Giving her friend a place to stay wouldn't really count as helping her out if it also included daily discomfort, invalidated feelings, and a lack of consent.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.